Beyond Expectation
by Ta1u1a
Summary: A bit of an AU where Tara's concerned. Journey with Buffy and Tara through the ups and downs of friendship, trust and love. BuffyTara pairing. Character Death. Set in season 5 with several changes which you can find explained in the first chapter.
1. B with an Itch

Summary: This is in response to a challenge based off the previous revelation that Buffy had been a lot like Cordelia before she was called to be the slayer. Tara and Buffy were classmates at Hemry before Buffy got expelled, and Buffy treated Tara like dirt. Now Tara and Buffy meet up at UC Sunnydale, and Buffy needs to figure out how to make it up to Tara. But as they work together, Tara finds that Buffy's not just becoming her friend as she starts to develop feelings for the slayer.

Timeline/Plot Alterations: Takes place in season five, making Tara, Buffy, Willow and Oz college sophomores. Dawn is really Buffy's sister, and she's not the key. That means no Glory. Joyce isn't sick…yet. Oz is still around with Willow. None of the Veruca stuff ever happened. Xander's with Anya. There was no Riley or Initiative. Spike never came back to Sunnydale after losing the Gem of Amara to Angel; therefore, he never got the chip put in his head. Giles still runs the Magic Box and Anya works there.

Disclaimer: The characters and locations of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the property of Mutant Enemy Productions. No infringement intended. I do this for fun not profit. Some dialogue is borrowed from the beginning of the fifth season episode "The Body" for Christmas scenes. I have also quoted passages from the novels Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.

* * *

"Okay, so everybody has the project," Professor Garvin said after his TA completed passing out the assignment description to the students. "Pair up and I'll expect your completed assignments by next Tuesday. Then you'll do peer reviews on how the project went. Dismissed."

Buffy was wasting time reading the assignment while everybody else was pairing off. She was oblivious as the lecture hall started to clear. When she finished reading, she looked up to find the room was almost empty except for a few stragglers.

"Oh crap, I still need a buddy."

She was wishing Willow had opted to take this contemporary literature course with her. But Willow's schedule had already been packed with other courses. Buffy looked around and saw a blonde girl up in the corner who was just starting to gather her things. She put on her best introductory smile and approached the girl. They almost collided when the girl didn't notice Buffy. She was walking with her head down and seemed very shy. Buffy was up for that. Willow was quite the wallflower when they had first met. _And look at her now_, Buffy thought.

"Uh, hey, looks like we're the only ones left without project partners," she said. "If you want, we could pair up. I'm Buffy Summers."

"Great," the girl said. Buffy noticed the tone in the girl's voice was more sarcastic than enthusiastic. The girl sighed and rolled her eyes. "You know, I-I'll just do the project, put both our names on it and we-we can both lie on our peer reviews next week. It'll save us both a l-lot of trouble."

"Um, okaaay," Buffy said as the girl pushed past her. She was a little confused about that reaction and definitely wanted to find out what was going on. She followed her out the door into the hall. "Or we could work on it together and both put our own work into it."

"R-right. Your own work," the girl said. Her tone was moving into pure bitter territory.

"Obviously, we haven't got off to a great start here," Buffy said in confusion. The girl stopped walking and glared at her. "Did I run over your puppy in a previous life or something? I don't even know you."

"You d-don't remember," the girl said, not surprised in the least.

"Remember what? I don't even know your name."

"Tara Maclay," the girl replied. She waited for a reaction and watched as Buffy's eyes widened and the recognition light bulb came on.

"Oh geez," Buffy said, her surprise changed to guilt. "You went to Hemry. God, I should've remembered with the stutter."

Tara rolled her eyes and turned, trying to retreat from this unwanted situation. Buffy hurried after her and stepped in her path again.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that," Buffy said apologetically. "Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain. You remember that, right?"

"Right," Tara scoffed, not comforted by Buffy's attempt at levity. "I-I remember you making fun of me every chance you-you got. You and your sh-sheep."

"Okay, yeah, I was a bitch to you. I freely admit that," Buffy said. She remembered what she was like at Hemry, what she called her Cordelia Era. She was prom queen incarnate and a pure nightmare for anyone who didn't have an in with the popular crowd. Tara was one of those kind of people. "But I have really, _really_ changed since I left Hemry. I mean, really. I don't think I can say really enough."

"You've changed?" Tara asked skeptically. She remembered all too well how Buffy treated her in high school. She had been ready to throw a party when she found out Buffy was expelled. Of course, she didn't have any friends to invite to that party.

"Yeah, seriously, and you know, I think this project is a good way for me to make it up to you. I feel really bad about how I treated you," Buffy said.

"I don't w-w-want your pity," Tara said sharply.

"Okay, no pity. Sure. Pity's bad," Buffy said, frantically trying to think how she could get on Tara's good graces. "But let's just try this project together. I really am a totally different person now. I do my own homework and everything." Tara smirked slightly, and Buffy noticed that Tara genuinely seemed amused by that comment. "Well, that's a start. So can we start over here? Clean slate?"

Tara looked reluctant. Buffy tried to think of something else she could say to convince her. She was digging through her memory for anything about Tara that might help her. Something personal to try and get on her good side. She thought of all the things she used to tease Tara about. Her clothes, her stutter, her shyness. Then it hit her.

"Witchcraft," Buffy blurted out. Tara looked confused.

"What?"

"We used to tease you. We called you a witch because of the way you dressed," Buffy said.

"Yeah, w-what's your point?" Tara said, not fond of the memories Buffy was digging up.

"Sorry, I'm getting there. Are you really into witchcraft?" Buffy asked. Tara was too stunned to answer. "Because if you are, I know a guy. He runs a magic shop here in town. A real magic shop, not one of those hokey shops that deals in love spells and henna tattoos. If you're interested, we could work on our project there. I could introduce you to him. So are you really a witch?"

Tara was hesitant. She wasn't thrilled with revealing such personal information to someone she had hated as long as she had known her.

"I also have a friend who's a witch," Buffy said. "You could meet her, too. She helps out at the shop sometimes. I bet she'll be there." Tara was still hesitant. Buffy tried even harder. "Okay, so what do I have to do? Do I have to buy you presents? Because I will. Do you like chocolate? Or coffee? I can do bribery. I'm all over it."

Tara couldn't stop from chuckling. Buffy certainly was trying her hardest. So she gave in.

"Okay, we can w-w-work at the shop," Tara said with a smile. Buffy smiled, happy with her success.

"Well, I got a full smile," Buffy said. She turned, and the two of them began walking. "I'd say we're getting somewhere."

* * *

When they arrived at the shop, Tara was pleased to find that Buffy had described it accurately. It wasn't hokey at all. It was the real deal, and as far as she could tell, the owner knew his stuff. Buffy introduced Tara to him, and the young witch was slightly surprised by his British accent.

"Tara Maclay, this is Rupert Giles," Buffy introduced. "We all just call him Giles."

"How do you do," Giles said with a nod and smile. Tara smiled shyly back.

"Nice to meet you, M-Mr. Giles," she said timidly.

"Mister?" Giles said in surprise. He shot a pointed glare at Buffy. "Well, that's a refreshing change of pace. Perhaps you could learn a little respect from her, Buffy."

Buffy just rolled her eyes and led Tara over to the large table where they would do their work.

"Tara's a witch. Or do you prefer Wicca? I know Willow prefers Wicca," Buffy said, not wanting to offend Tara. She had worked so hard to get her to agree to do the project with her, she was afraid to spoil it.

"Um, either is f-fine," Tara said. Giles became curious.

"How experienced are you?" he asked.

"W-well, I've practiced my whole life, or ever since I w-w-was little, I mean," she offered. "I-I don't really do much anymore."

"Why not?" Buffy asked, wanting to learn more about this girl she remembered tormenting in high school.

"I don't know many other w-w-w-witches," Tara said.

"Yes, witchcraft—well, white magick rather—is a very communal practice, Buffy," Giles explained. Buffy recognized lecture mode, but she was very used to it by now. "That's why there are entire covens with anywhere from two to forty witches. Solitary practitioners tend to lose focus and they begin to stray into the dark magicks. It can be dangerous to practice alone."

"Well, how come you don't tell Willow that?" Buffy asked innocently. Giles scowled and removed his glasses.

"I have told Willow that numerous times. She chooses not to listen," he said. "Something I'm afraid she may have picked up from you."

"I listen," Buffy said defensively. "I listen all the time."

"Right," Giles said dismissively.

"So, W-Willow is the friend you were talking about before?" Tara asked. She was definitely interested in meeting another witch. Her shy nature tended to get in the way of her meeting other witches, or anybody, for that matter.

"Yeah, she's the one," Buffy said. "Has Will been in yet today, Giles?"

"Not yet," he said. "Actually, it's Tuesday. She generally doesn't come in on Tuesdays."

"Oh yeah, she's got chemistry lab on Tuesdays. Takes up all her time," Buffy said. She looked apologetically to Tara. "Sorry. I really wanted to introduce you two. Will's always wanting to meet other witches. I think you two would hit it off. She was a lot like you in high school, except she was a computer nerd instead of a literature nerd." Tara scowled at Buffy, and the slayer looked up to see that Giles was offering the same scowl. "God, I'm sorry. Ask Giles, I have chronic foot in mouth disease. I didn't mean to…well, I'm just going to change the topic to our project."

"You mean our project on contemporary _literature_?" Tara asked pointedly.

"Wow, I really suck at making up for being a bitch," Buffy muttered. The bell over the shop door clanged and Buffy looked over, hoping it would be Willow making a surprise Tuesday visit to the shop. The person she saw was almost as good as Willow.

"Xander, hey!" she said happily. She stood, went over to Xander and hugged him. "I'm so glad to see you. You know I love you, right?"

Xander looked at Buffy confused. Then he looked worried. "Is somebody dying? Am I dying? What's going on?"

"Nobody's dying," Giles said dryly. "Buffy just insulted her new friend and is trying to awkwardly get out of the hole she's dug herself into."

Tara smiled. She knew there was a reason she liked Giles already. She could definitely get used to being around him.

"New friend?" Xander asked, now curious. Tara looked up at him shyly. He smiled broadly, trying to play it cool. It was his "there's a new, pretty girl" smile. "Hi, I'm Xander. If Buffy has told you anything about me, the good stuff is true and the rest is all lies."

"I'm T-Tara," she introduced herself. Xander nodded and sat next to her at the table. Buffy returned to her seat, glad that there was a distraction to get Tara to forget the unintended insult.

"So, Tara tell me all about yourself, starting with favorite restaurants and what you look for in a guy," Xander said. Buffy shot a look at him.

"Xander, you're dating Anya!" she said. He pointed at her and spoke in his defense.

"Having a girlfriend does not mean I can't flirt," he said. He looked back to Tara and noticed she was blushing. "You and Buffy go to UC Sunnydale together? You do the whole matriculating thing?"

"Yeah, Buffy and I are w-working on a project together," Tara said.

"Well, good. That means we'll see more of you then, right?" he asked. Tara smiled and nodded her head. Xander stood and turned to the counter where Giles was looking through some receipts. "I'm actually just here to pick up Anya's paycheck."

"Why didn't she come herself?" Giles asked. Xander shrugged his shoulders.

"The line's really long at the bank. She figured by the time I got back with her check, she'd be up to the counter," he explained. Giles opened the register and handed over Anya's paycheck.

"Tell Anya if she wants her precious money so badly, she needs to start picking up her own checks," Giles said. Xander nodded his head and turned toward the door.

"Okay, I'm off to make Anya happy. With the check, not…" Xander trailed off, feeling slightly awkward having slipped up like that around Tara. "Bye ladies…and Giles."

Once Xander was gone, Tara turned to Buffy.

"Okay, w-we need to get started on this," she said. "How far h-have you read?"

"Um, well, I've read most of it, or some of it," Buffy said. Tara just looked at her, waiting for a clear and honest answer. "Okay, I read the poem."

"I guess that's more th-than I expected," Tara said. Buffy shot her a pointed look and Tara smiled innocently.

"It's a long poem," Buffy said defensively. "A 36-page poem."

"What are you reading?" Giles asked. The former librarian in him always came to life when books were the topic of discussion.

"Pale Fire by Vlad…Vlad…Vladimmer Nabo…" Buffy said as she looked at the book, struggling with the foreign author's name.

"Vladimir Nabokov," Tara said, pronouncing it perfectly without even her typical stutter slipping through.

"Ah, yes, Nabokov," Giles said. "I haven't read that particular book, but Lolita was not really to my tastes."

"Pale Fire's better. It has such an-an interesting style. It's so unique," Tara said. Buffy felt left out so she started reading the first page. Then she looked up after reading a few lines.

"I thought this was a novel," she said in confusion. Tara nodded her head. "It's looking like a review of that poem."

"It's a novel," Tara said. She pointed further down the page. "Keep reading."

Buffy did as Tara said and then scowled. She quoted the book. "'There is a very loud amusement park right in front of my present lodgings.' What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"You'll figure it out w-w-when you read more," Tara replied. "That's what I w-was talking about, with the style. Nabokov wrote the book in the style of a literary critique. The main character, Ch-Charles Kinbote, is critiquing this poem, b-but the more you read, the more you realize that Kinbote's, um, not quite right in the head."

"Sounds interesting," Giles said. Buffy pouted.

"Sounds confusing," she said. She sighed. "Well, I guess I've got some reading to do before we start on this project. Sorry. I'm Miss Not Prepared."

"That's okay," Tara said. Buffy noticed that Tara had lightened up considerably since they had arrived at the shop. "I-I can work on some outlines tonight, kind of, um, get things going."

"Okay, well, I'll give you a call and we can figure out when to meet again to work on this," Buffy said as they packed up their things. "You're in the campus directory?"

"Yeah, I-I am," she replied. She smiled at Giles before she left. "Goodbye, Mr. Giles."

"Goodbye, Tara. Pleasure meeting you." Once Tara was gone, Giles went about his business in the shop while talking with Buffy. "She's a pleasant girl. You went to high school with her? I don't remember ever seeing her."

"No, she didn't go to Sunnydale High," Buffy replied. "We went to Hemry together before I got kicked out."

"Oh, you two were friends then?"

"Not so much," Buffy replied. Giles looked confused. "I'm sure she had plenty words for what I was to her. One starts with b and ends with itch. She was Willow. I was Cordelia."

"Good lord, and she agreed to work with you?" Giles asked, remembering how Cordelia had treated Willow.

"It took a lot of arm twisting and promises that I had changed," Buffy said. Giles looked concerned and Buffy realized why. "Not literal arm twisting. But anyway, we were the last two in the class who hadn't paired off for this project. We got stuck together."

"I suppose it's fate's way of allowing you to redeem yourself," Giles suggested.

"Maybe. I mean, I'm glad that I'm getting this chance. I do feel bad about the way I treated her," Buffy said sincerely. "I kinda wish I could apologize to everybody I tormented at Hemry. Although, that would take a while."

"Long list?" Giles asked.

"Entire student body, excluding the cheerleaders and football players," Buffy replied. Giles raised an eyebrow at her. "Yes, that was me. Just call me Cordelia's twin."

Giles chuckled and went back to his work around the shop. Buffy began reading the book, hoping she would understand it enough to make valuable contributions to the project. The last thing she wanted to do was make Tara feel like she was using her for a good grade.


	2. Withholding Information

Buffy left the Magic Box and went home. Joyce was surprised to see Buffy on a weeknight, but Buffy didn't stop to chat. She went up to her bedroom closet and dug around until she found her freshman yearbook from Hemry High School. She flipped to the back index and scanned the names until she found the one she was looking for—Maclay, Tara. There was only one page number next to Tara's name. Buffy flipped to it and found it was simply the freshman class pictures. She looked through the rows of students whose last names started with M, but she couldn't find Tara's picture. Then she got to the end of the freshman class and saw Tara's name.

Tara Maclay – Not Pictured

"God, she's not even in the yearbook," Buffy muttered to herself. Then she flipped to the S list in the index. Summers, Buffy. There were 20 page numbers next to Buffy's name. She sighed and shook her head. "No wonder she hated me."

Meanwhile, in her dorm room, Tara was doing the exact same thing. She skimmed the index and found Buffy's name. She marked that page in the index and turned to the first page listed. She already knew her picture wasn't in the yearbook. She had missed photo day, and she never participated in extra curriculars. She never made the candids. Only the popular kids made the candids. She sighed as she made her way through Buffy's pages. Homecoming court, cheerleading squad, prom court—the list was extensive.

She flipped to the front of the yearbook and started looking at the few signatures. There were a few people who wrote little messages to her. There were a few from a couple teachers she liked. The rest were the typical signatures of the people who didn't even know whose yearbook they were signing. "Have a nice summer." She looked toward the bottom of the first page and saw what she had been looking for.

Have a nice summer! Buffy Summers

She turned to the picture of the Homecoming court and just stared at Buffy's face. It appeared that Buffy had changed like she said. But Tara wasn't quite sure she trusted that yet.

* * *

Buffy had asked Tara to relocate their project planning to her house because Buffy's mom had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to stay at the house with Dawn. The younger Summers girl resented it, of course, and had locked herself away in her room to sulk. Buffy and Joyce were used to it. Buffy introduced Tara. Much like Giles, Joyce had taken an instant liking to her.

Once Joyce was gone, Buffy gathered popcorn and sodas, and the two of them sat in the living room discussing the novel, which Buffy had finished in record time. She had never completed a required reading assignment so fast in her academic career. She was very impressed with herself. Tara appeared impressed as well.

"So you think Kinbote is gay?" Tara asked with a raised eyebrow when Buffy presented her views on the relationship between Charles Kinbote and John Shade in their reading assignment.

"You don't?" Buffy asked. Tara shook her head. "I mean, just the way he talks about Shade, and then there's all the young students he invites over to his house. Guy students. Those twins and the ping pong tables…"

"But you have to keep in mind that Kinbote m-might not be real. He might be a figment of Shade's imagination," Tara said.

"Nah, this guy's no figment," Buffy said. "He's real, he's insane and he's gay."

"Who's gay?" Dawn asked as she entered the room.

Buffy didn't notice, but Dawn saw the expression on Tara's face in reaction to that question. Tara looked flustered, as if the question was about her personally. The teenager filed that expression away for future investigation.

"Nobody," Buffy said, the annoyed older sister tone saturating her voice. "Don't you have homework that you could be doing? In your room…away from here."

Dawn ignored Buffy and turned to Tara. "I'm Dawn. I hear you hate Buffy."

"Oh, I-I don't hate her," Tara stammered with a nervous smile. "I-I just…we, um, didn't get along in-in high school."

"She was a bitch," Dawn said with a nod, trading a sharp gaze with Buffy. "Thought maybe you and I could talk some time."

"Dawn, we're kinda busy here," Buffy said. Dawn picked up Buffy's copy of Pale Fire and looked at the back cover, reading the brief summary.

"So, Buffy says you're a witch. Do you do spells and stuff?"

"N-not really. It's dangerous to do spells alone," Tara said.

"Magic's so cool. Sometimes Willow shows me stuff," Dawn said. "Have you met Willow yet?"

"Not yet."

"She's way cooler than Buffy," Dawn said with a smirk. She tossed the book into Buffy's lap and backed away. "I guess I'll leave you guys alone then. I'm feeling major evil eye in here."

Dawn left and Buffy shook her head in frustration. "Sorry about that."

"No, it-it's okay," Tara said with a smile. "I used to wish I had a little sister sometimes."

"I used to wish I didn't have one," Buffy said with a chuckle. "Nah. She's okay, I guess. But what would sisterly love be without us being major pains in each other's asses, right?"

Tara smiled and nodded her head. She had a feeling Dawn had noticed her reaction to the 'Who's gay?' question. She just hoped Dawn wouldn't draw anything off that reaction and tell Buffy. She wasn't ready for that. Not yet.

* * *

They made their way back to the dorm and that's when Buffy found out from Tara that they lived on the same hall. They had lived on the same hall for a year. Buffy tried to apologize for not talking to Tara already. She thought she had met everybody on their floor. Tara brushed off Buffy's apology, stating that she had kept to herself a lot.

"It's not your fault," she said. Buffy wasn't quite sure about that, but she accepted it as they arrived at her door.

"We can get together tomorrow night," Buffy said as she opened her door. She saw Willow in the room with Oz and motioned for Tara to come in.

"Hey, Buffy," Willow said with a smile.

"Hey guys," Buffy said. She smiled and gestured at Tara. "Guys, this is Tara. Tara, this is Willow and Oz."

"Hi," Tara said quietly.

"Hey!" Willow said excitedly. She stood from the bed and stepped toward Tara. "Buffy's told me all about you, including the parts that weren't so nice. She's definitely not like that anymore. I mean, when she first got to Sunnydale she stuck up for me and she's saved our lives _so_ many times…"

Buffy's eyes widened and she gave Willow a look that said she was revealing too much. Willow got the hint and frantically tried to cover.

"Figuratively speaking, of course. She didn't literally save my life because there's never any reason to save my life literally," she said.

"Yeah, same here," Oz said in a calmer manner than Willow.

"Did she-she tell you to talk her up?" Tara asked, only half-serious. Buffy and Willow exchanged a nervous look, and Willow shook her head.

"Oh! No, no she didn't. I was just…just over-compensating," she explained. She looked flustered. "So…Buffy says you practice witchcraft."

"Yeah, not much now, but I used to b-before," she replied.

"Why'd you stop?" Willow asked curiously. She noticed Tara's expression change. She looked sad. So she changed the subject. "Maybe we could get together sometime and do some spells or something. I mean, right now I'm mostly floating pencils and putting my friends in mortal danger. Might help to have a secondary or vice versa for you."

"Yeah, that'd be cool…sometime."

"How about tonight?" Buffy said. She shot a glance at Willow. It was highly suggestive. She hadn't asked Willow to talk her up with Tara, but right now it didn't sound like a bad idea. "I mean, the only reason we're not working on our project is because I have pat…political science homework."

"And it's a full moon, so I'm busy," Oz said.

"Full moon?" Tara asked. Oz realized he had slipped this time.

"Oh, my band rehearses when there's a full moon. It's like this…tradition thing," he covered. Tara appeared to accept that.

"Are you sure?" Willow asked Oz. "You don't want me there for…rehearsal?"

"Nah. It's cool. I'll manage," he replied. Willow turned to Tara with an eager smile.

"What do ya say?" she asked.

She smiled and nodded her head. "Sure. Do you wanna meet here or my place?"

Willow noticed Buffy nodding her head to Tara behind Tara's back. "Oh, your place would be good. There's this spell with a rose that I think will be cool to try."

"O-okay. I'm just down the hall in two-nineteen," she said, gesturing toward the door in the direction her room would be. "What time?"

"Say seven?" Willow suggested. Tara nodded her head and turned for the door.

"Nice meeting you guys," she said with a wave. "I'll see you."

"See ya," Buffy said. They watched Tara leave and then Buffy flopped down on her bed. Willow returned to her spot next to Oz.

"She seems really nice," she said.

"She is," Buffy said. She pouted a little. "Just makes me feel all the more like a moron."

"She's kind of quiet," Oz said. Buffy and Willow looked to him with raised eyebrows.

"Says the pot," Buffy commented with a smirk. "You know, I think that's the problem though. You were in her shoes, Will. The smart, quiet ones are the ones who get treated like crap and deserve it the least."

"Sure, but you're not like that. You've got all this perspective now from risking your life every night to save the world," Willow assured Buffy.

"Well, I can't tell her that," Buffy said. "Giles is still pushing the secret identity thing."

"You don't trust her?" Oz asked.

"It's not really about trust," she replied. She sighed and shook her head. "I have to know, for one thing, that it won't freak her out royally. And if she's going to actually forgive me enough to stick around. What if we just work on this project together and that's it? It's obvious that if she doesn't want to be found she can find a way to not be found. We've lived on the same hall for a year and we never met up."

"Do you want her to stick around?" Willow asked. Buffy shrugged her shoulders. "You just gotta show her the new and improved Buffy, minus the slayage. Once she gets to know what you're like now, she won't run off and hide. Then you can tell her what you really do at night. And once she finds out that she can run off and hide with the rest of us."

"In the meantime, I lie."

"Not lie. Fib. Embellish," Willow said.

"Translation—lie."

"Withhold information," Oz added. "She'll understand. We've all been there."

Buffy wasn't so sure about that. She knew Tara would be a little more receptive than most people due to her involvement in witchcraft, but she still wasn't sure how well Tara would take the fact that demons and vampires were real. And she wasn't sure if Tara would be around long enough to find that out.


	3. Just Good Friends

Willow arrived at Tara's dorm room that night with a rose and some other supplies for the spell she had told her about. Tara let her in and Willow started setting up as she explained what the spell was supposed to do.

"We attune our minds and pluck the petals off one by one," she said.

"Sounds cool," Tara said with a smile. "Buffy says you've been practicing witchcraft for a couple years."

"Yeah, I got into it in high school," Willow replied. "How long have you?"

"Um, since I was little," Tara said quietly. "My mom…she taught me a lot of stuff. Everything really."

"Wow. All my mom ever taught me about witchcraft was the psychological ramifications of personal identity on society," Willow commented. "You must know way more than me. Plucking rose petals is probably like witchy kindergarten for you."

"No, it's cool," Tara said. "It-it's been a few years since I've, um, done anything more than your basic spells."

"Yeah, why is that?" Willow asked. Tara hesitated and Willow stumbled a little. "I mean, I guess you have your reasons and it's none of my business. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay. I was just being nosey. That's me. The cat curiosity killed. I think we're almost ready here."

Tara watched Willow, slightly amused by the breathless babbling. She could see why Buffy liked Willow. Or why anybody with eyes and ears would like Willow. The babbling was very endearing.

"What about you? How'd you get into witchcraft?"

"Oh, well there was this girl Amy and she taught me a bunch of stuff," Willow explained.

"Does she live on campus?"

"Uh, yeah, she does," Willow said. It wasn't a lie.

"It'd be cool to-to, you know, meet her some time," Tara said. Willow nodded her head and smiled.

"I'm…sure you will…eventually," Willow said. She thought to herself, _Maybe you can help me make her human again._ "So, you ready?"

Tara nodded her head and sat cross-legged across from Willow. They took each other's hands and then closed their eyes, concentrating on the task at hand. The rose began to float in the air between them. It turned until it was vertical. After a moment, the two opened their eyes and focused on the rose. Nothing happened at first, but slowly the first petal peeled away, floating gently to the floor between them. Each petal peeled away one by one until the two of them had their own little pile of rose petals. Then they lowered the empty stem to the floor back where it had started. They gasped as they released their hands and then smiled at each other.

"Very cool," Tara said with a smile.

"Definitely worked better than some of my other spells," Willow said with a smile.

Tara grabbed the rose petals in a fistful and sniffed them. Willow snatched one of the petals out of her hand and examined it intently.

"I used to love studying the parts of stuff," Willow said. "Everybody else hated dissecting in biology."

"I always believed insides should stay on the inside," Tara said with a grin. "Buffy said you were, um, kind of…"

"The nerdiest of the nerds," Willow said with a smile. "It's okay. When you can calculate the square root of 1089 in your head, you have to come to terms with your nerdiness."

Tara stared at her skeptically with a raised eyebrow and contemplated getting out a calculator before Willow realized what she was waiting for.

"The answer's 33," she said with a chuckle. She stood and dropped the rose petal, letting it flutter down to the floor in front of Tara. She scanned the spines of the books on Tara's bookshelf and pulled out a text on ancient pagan rites. As she flipped through the pages a strip of paper slipped out and drifted to the floor. Before Tara could grab it, Willow picked it up to put it back where it had fallen from. She noticed it was a strip of black and white photos much like those taken in photo booths at the mall. It was Tara and another girl. "Who's this?"

In the first picture they were smiling and trying to take a nice picture. In the second picture, they stuck their tongues out at the camera. In the third, they were pouting their lips and trying to 'sex up' the camera. Tara stood and took the strip away just as Willow got to the fourth and final picture. In it Tara and the other girl were kissing, much like the way Willow would kiss Oz. Or the way Buffy would kiss Angel. Or the way Xander would kiss Anya before Anya dragged him off amidst the announcement of pending sexual intercourse.

"Oh," she said, her eyes widening in surprise. "So she's your…uh…"

"She-she's, um, she's m-my ex. I mean, ex-girlfriend. She's…" Tara paused and laughed a little. "What other kind of ex w-would she be, huh?"

"Well there's ex-employers and ex-teachers and ex-doctors," Willow suggested. "Of course, I don't usually kiss any of those exes so…I guess ex-girlfriend is the only one that fits. So you're—"

"Don't tell Buffy," Tara interrupted suddenly. She gripped the strip of pictures in her fist and crossed her arms across her chest, looking down at the floor. "I-I, uh…she would freak out. She-she would…I can't trust…"

Willow's surprise disappeared and was replaced with understanding. She closed the book and put it back on the shelf, resting her hand gently on Tara's arm. The two made eye contact and Tara forced a smile.

"I know I've only known you for…well, less than a day, and you don't have much reason to trust me," Willow said. "But you don't have to worry about Buffy. It takes a lot to freak her out. If a giant snake tries to eat the entire UC Sunnydale student body, she wouldn't bat an eye."

"Me being gay is-is a lot different than a giant snake," Tara said. She smirked. "It actually involves the total absence of s-snakes." She noticed the uncomfortable expression on Willow's face and apologized. "Sorry. Bad joke."

"It's okay," Willow said, trying hard to wipe away her discomfort. She smiled sympathetically. "I won't tell Buffy, but you should. It'll be okay. You can trust her. I promise." Tara nodded her head nervously. Willow felt very awkward as they remained in silence. "We could, uh, talk about something else. Or do another spell. Or I could conjure a little hole for one of us to crawl into and then we can fight over who gets to crawl into it."

Tara laughed finally and loosened up a little. She glanced at the pictures and hid them away in a desk drawer, deciding she could trust Willow. And if she could trust Willow, maybe—just maybe—she could trust Buffy.

* * *

Moonlight and the bedside lamp were all that lit Buffy and Willow's dorm room. Tara and Buffy had spent the entire night putting the finishing touches on their literature project. Willow was staying over at Oz's place for the night, so the two didn't notice as midnight approached.

Their project had been set aside for quite a while, and they were simply chatting about various things. They talked about music and movies, and finally they began talking about Hemry. Tara couldn't believe how comfortable she had become talking to Buffy. The feeling was mutual. Buffy was just glad that Tara had set aside her grudge against her so quickly. She hadn't expected them to get along so well.

"Did you really burn down the gym?" Tara asked curiously. "Ev-everybody said it was you."

"Yeah, that was me," Buffy said sheepishly. Then she became defensive. "But that gym was a death trap. Honestly, I did the school a favor. Asbestos everywhere."

Tara chuckled and looked back down at her notes. Buffy decided to ask a few questions of her own. It was time to really do the heart to heart.

"So, you really hated me, huh?" she asked. Tara looked up. Now that she knew the new and improved Buffy, she didn't like dwelling on how much she hated her.

"Yeah, I guess I did," Tara admitted. Then she shrugged her shoulders. "But you w-weren't the worst. You just got me for the superficial stuff. Liz Lopez was worse."

"Oh yeah, I remember her. She and I were kind of opponents in the Queen Bitch of the Universe contest at that school," Buffy said. "She really knew how to hit a person where it hurt."

Tara nodded her head, remembering some of the things Liz would say and do to her in school. Buffy noticed the sullen look on Tara's face.

"She really hurt you, didn't she?" Buffy asked.

"She pretty much took over when you got kicked out," Tara replied. She sighed. "You weren't there w-w-when she found out about me."

"Found out what?" Buffy asked, not understanding.

"W-when she found out I'm, um, gay," Tara replied. She looked to Buffy to gauge her reaction. She had dropped the bomb. Time to see the fallout.

"You're…oh…" Buffy said, trailing off. She wasn't sure how to respond to that. She did remember some people teasing Tara about never getting guys, but Buffy just assumed that was because Tara was unpopular. "Well, hey, you know, that's great. I mean, it's okay to be gay. Lots of people are. Not many that I know, but my circle of friends is small and I don't get out much anymore. Busy all the time. So I don't meet people. But it's cool."

"I'm sorry. I d-didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Tara apologized, looking down at her hands and letting her hair hang in her face. Buffy sighed, realizing her reaction wasn't very comforting. Tara was putting a lot of trust in her and she was being a spaz.

"No, I'm not uncomfortable," Buffy said. She nudged Tara on the arm to get her to look up. "I'm okay with it. I was just surprised." Tara nodded her head and smiled a little. "Liz really used that against you, didn't she? I can only imagine what she'd do."

"Does spray-painting d-dyke on my locker come to mind?" Tara asked Buffy.

"She really did that?" Buffy asked in shock. Tara nodded her head. She felt bad that Tara had never had a friend at that school to stick up for her like Buffy would stick up for Willow if someone teased her. "I'm really sorry. I hope you know that even at my bitchiest, I never would've done that to you."

Tara nodded her head. Then she made eye contact with Buffy. "What would you have done?"

"What?" Buffy asked, not understanding what Tara was asking.

"If you had, you know, still been at Hemry when that happened, what would you have done?"

Buffy thought about it for a moment and she hated the answer she was about to give. She decided to lead in with some reassurance that she had changed.

"Well, if Liz did that to you now, I would kick her ass into next week," she said. Tara didn't smile. Tara knew as well as Buffy that there was a 'but' coming. As Buffy would phrase it, she had 'but-face.' "But honestly, the way I was back then, I wouldn't have said anything. I would've stood back like the insensitive bitch that I was and done nothing. I wouldn't have risked tarnishing my _precious_ reputation to stick up for you."

Tara looked away again and blinked back the hint of tears stinging her eyes. Buffy shook her head. She hated that she had ever been the way she had been.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't want to lie to you," Buffy apologized. Tara nodded her head and then started gathering her things. Buffy felt worse by the second. She heard a waver in Tara's voice when she spoke.

"It's late," Tara said once she had her books gathered. "I should go. I-I have an early class tomorrow. We can meet before l-lit tomorrow to double check everything."

Buffy followed Tara to the door. As Tara stepped out into the hall, Buffy touched her shoulder and Tara turned.

"I am okay with it…you being gay," Buffy assured her. "And I would never let anybody hurt you like that. Not now. I promise."

They held eye contact for a long moment and then Tara turned, heading down the hall to go back to her own dorm room. She had just willingly revealed one of the most important aspects of her life to Buffy, and she couldn't believe it. She rarely revealed that to anyone, not after what had happened in high school when Liz Lopez found out. She was afraid to put herself through that again. Willow had been an accident.

She knew it was more than just her newfound trust in Buffy that got her to reveal it. She was feeling something more than friendship between the two of them. She was certain Buffy didn't feel it. She was almost certain that Buffy was straight. But Tara couldn't get over the attraction she was starting to feel. It scared her. She didn't want to fall for Buffy and find out Buffy didn't feel the same way. It would ruin their blossoming friendship, and it would hurt too much. Tara vowed at that moment that she would do everything she could to keep herself from feeling that way about Buffy. They were just friends, and that was how it would stay.

* * *

The next day Buffy noticed that Tara was a little stand-offish. When Buffy sat next to her in class, Tara simply offered a small smile before turning back to proofreading their report one last time. Buffy stared at the blank page on her notebook, wondering how she could get Tara to loosen up. She had a feeling that what she had said the previous night had caused Tara's current mood.

"Hey, about last night—"

"Well, attendance is down today," Professor Garvin interrupted Buffy when she had finally decided to say something to Tara. She scowled and turned to face forward. Tara glanced at her, relieved that the professor had interrupted. "Thank you to those of you who actually decided to come today. I can only assume that the rest of the class is willing to drop their project grades a letter grade for being a day late. Those of you who are here will turn your projects in at the end of class. But let's discuss the question I posed to you."

As Professor Garvin continued, Buffy glanced over at Tara, who was dutifully taking notes. Buffy uncapped her pen and scribbled a short sentence quickly before nudging Tara and holding up her notebook.

'I'm sorry if what I said last night upset you.'

The two made eye contact and then Tara took the notebook to respond.

'Forget it.'

Buffy noticed a small smile on Tara's face and took that as an apology accepted. She turned to begin taking notes. The professor continued talking about Kinbote and Shade. Every time he would ask a question, he would answer it himself rather than allowing one of the students to answer. Buffy looked to her right when Tara poked her with a pen. She was gesturing to the top of her notes.

'I thought discussions involved more than one person. Do you think he likes to hear himself speak?'

Buffy smiled and wrote her response.

'Only when he's awake.'

Tara giggled and then threw her hand up to her mouth in a belated attempt to cover it up. It was definitely too late as it drew the attention of the professor.

"Is there something you'd like to share with us, Miss…?"

Buffy and Tara exchanged a look. They both hated the 'something to share with the class' routine. It was like it was in the college professor handbook. Tara stood and looked down to the professor in embarrassment.

"M-Maclay. Tara Maclay."

"Do you have something to add to what I've said about Kinbote's personality, Miss Maclay?" the professor asked, his tone extremely condescending. Buffy wanted to throw something at him, like a battleaxe.

"Oh, I w-was just saying how-how Kinbote's very arrogant and-and, you know, long-winded," Tara said. Buffy leaned forward and hid a smile with her hand. "He-he liked to, um, hear himself speak."

"Very true," Professor Garvin responded. He turned and returned to pacing, continuing his lecture. Tara sat down next to Buffy and the two of them did their best to stifle their laughter.

At the end of class, Buffy and Tara made their way out of the lecture hall after Tara quickly turned in their project. Once they were out in the hallway Buffy turned to Tara and released the laughter she had been holding back.

"Oh my god, that was classic," she said through her laughter. Tara laughed with her. "He was all 'Do you have something to share?' and you were totally awesome."

"I wasn't that good," Tara said modestly, laughing along with Buffy. She turned when one of their classmates tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey Tara," the girl said. "That was hilarious what you said in there. I thought I was the only one who noticed what a pompous ass Professor Garvin is."

"Oh, you know, somebody had to say it," Tara said with a smile. The girl nodded her head and started to head off.

"You should say it again," she commented. "See you next class."

They watched the girl walk off and then they began heading down the hall. Buffy sighed.

"Well, the project's done," she said. "It's out of our hands and in the hands of fate."

"Actually it's in the hands of Garvin," Tara said.

"Oh, that's slightly worse," Buffy said with a scowl. Tara chuckled and Buffy's smile resurfaced. "I say we celebrate."

"Celebrate? We don't know what our grade's gonna be."

"This is just a post-project stress release celebration," Buffy said. "One thing you'll learn is that I like the celebration. As long as it's not in my honor."

"Why not in your honor?"

"Parties in my honor end in mayhem and…lots of mayhem," Buffy said, trying not to give too much away. "Anyway, this is just a mini-celebration. I was thinking the campus café and highly caffeinated goodness."

"You thought this through," Tara said.

"What can I say? I'm a thinker."

* * *

When they arrived at the café, Tara was grateful to see that Willow and Oz were there. She was finding already that it was difficult to be alone with Buffy and think of her in only a friend sort of way. She had wanted to say 'no' to the stress-relief celebration, but she couldn't resist. It was like a psychological impossibility. They each got a coffee and then joined Willow and Oz at their table.

"Hey, so your project's all handed in, right?" Willow asked. Buffy nodded her head and Willow wanted to encourage Buffy with the fact that Tara hadn't run screaming after their project was done. "Awesome."

"Yep. We're just indulging in a little post-project jolt," Buffy said. "What's up with you guys?"

"Spending a little quality time together. Oz has rehearsal tonight," Willow said.

"Hey, when are the Dingoes playing the Bronze again?" Buffy asked curiously. "I haven't gotten my Dingoes quota this month."

"We're playing Thursday and Friday," he replied. Buffy smiled.

"Perfect. We should be getting our project back on Thursday, and if all goes well, we'll have something to celebrate," she said. Tara nodded her head in agreement. "Then we can both get our groove on on the dance floor."

Tara had been taking a drink of her coffee, but she took what Buffy said the wrong way and sucked in a breath, inhaling the hot liquid and causing herself to choke and sputter. The others looked concerned as she coughed.

"You okay?" Buffy asked, resting her hand on Tara's shoulder. She spoke between coughs.

"Yeah…just…coffee…hot," she gasped. It took her a moment until she could finally clear her throat and breathe normally. She stood quickly and grabbed her bag and coffee. "I, uh, just remembered I have study group for ph-philosphy…in like ten minutes. I'll see you guys."

They watched Tara leave and then Willow's eyes widened as her mind played the last couple minutes in instant replay. Buffy's commented had surprised Tara, and then Tara left. She looked from Tara's retreating form to Buffy and back to Tara. As she put two and two together, Tara was already out the café door.

"Oh! I just remembered…something…about a spell. I wanted to ask Tara about it…you know, to help Amy," she said. "I better go…I'll be right back."

Willow then rushed after Tara, leaving Buffy and Oz confused. The slayer looked to the werewolf for some kind of explanation. "What'd I say?"

"Tara!" Willow called as she jogged after her. Tara didn't stop, but Willow caught up to her and walked beside her. "Hey, wait a minute."

"What's up?" Tara asked, trying to hide her embarrassment. She was already scolding herself for her reaction to Buffy's completely innocent comment. She had taken it completely the wrong way.

"Back there, when Buffy said that—"

"I just sucked the coffee down the-the wrong pipe," she interrupted.

"Yeah, but the speedy exit wasn't exactly subtle," Willow said. "And I bet you don't have a study group."

"You're reading into this when there's n-nothing to read," Tara said sharply. "I've gotta go."

"Do you like Buffy?" Willow asked. Tara looked over at her with an annoyed scowl.

"No," she said. "Well, I mean, not the way you think. She's a friend. That's it. I don't like her th-that way."

"Are you sure?" Willow asked. "I mean, with the choking and leaving…"

"I'm telling you, I-I just inhaled the coffee accidentally, and-and I do have a study group," Tara said, her tone adamant. Willow didn't look like she fully believed that, but she decided to accept it.

"Okay, I guess I'm just imagining things," she said. She smiled. "See ya."

"Bye," Tara said. She watched as Willow returned to the café and then she continued on her way back to her dorm room. She didn't have any study group. She wasn't even taking philosophy that semester. She walked with her head down and chided herself. "Stupid. Stupid."

* * *

Tara had reluctantly agreed to join Buffy and her friends at the Bronze. The young witch had never been much for crowds, and the way Buffy talked about the Bronze, it sounded like a crowd place. Buffy had insisted that they celebrate their fabulous success on their literature project, which they had received back with a perfect score. As Buffy had said on Tuesday, with the Dingoes playing the Bronze they were due for celebration.

"All work and no play makes Buffy cranky," she said with a smile. Tara chuckled. "And I just have this feeling you're a social butterfly. Get you around the right people and we won't be able to contain you, right?"

Tara smiled at Buffy's playfulness and nodded her head. "Sure, I'm very much like a butterfly."

"That's the spirit."

When they arrived at the Bronze, the Dingoes had already begun their set. Buffy quickly spotted Xander and Willow on the dance floor. Xander saw her and the two joined the newcomers.

"I still can't believe you've never been to the Bronze before," Buffy said. "It's the only place to be in Sunnydale. Otherwise, you're stuck at home playing checkers with a foreign exchange student or something."

Tara cringed at that comment, but Buffy didn't notice her expression as Xander and Willow arrived.

"Hey! You guys made it," Willow said excitedly. She gestured to the dance floor. "Come on. Come dance with us."

"Come dance with _her_," Xander said. "I'm danced out. I've danced till I can't dance no more. And I'm saying no more."

Tara and Buffy laughed.

"How long have you guys been dancing so far?" Buffy asked.

"We got here an hour ago," Xander said. "The Energizer Bunny here is a dance machine."

"I like to boogie. There's nothing wrong with that," Willow said defensively.

"But there is something wrong with you using the word boogie," Xander joked.

"I could use some dancing," Buffy said, taking Willow's side. She turned to Tara. "What about you?"

"Oh, I've got this warm-up process," Tara said with a shy smirk. "It involves w-watching other people dance first so I know how much of a spaz I'll look like compared to them."

"All right, but I'm giving you ten minutes and if you're not out there, I'm dragging you out," Buffy said. Tara nodded her head.

While Buffy and Willow retreated to the dance floor, Xander noticed the expression on Tara's face. He recognized it. It was one he had worn in high school for the several months after he had first met Buffy. He also noticed where Tara's glance shot for a moment. It was a little lower than most people's gaze fell.

"Nice view, huh?" he asked with a wry grin.

"Yeah," Tara said absently. Then she realized what she was saying and looked over at him in shock. "I mean, no. I w-was, um…I-I w-w-was just…admiring her…pants."

She sighed in embarrassment from her lame excuse. He simply smiled and motioned for her to join him at one of the tall tables. They each took a stool, and Tara's gaze fell directly on the table's surface and didn't leave it.

"I recognize that look you're sporting there," he said. "I saw it in the mirror for a long time after I met Buffy. And besides, she told us you're not much for the Y chromosome."

"She told you?" Tara asked, looking up in shock. She hadn't exactly told Buffy to keep that fact a secret, but she hadn't expected her to rush off and tell her friends either.

"I'm sure she just told us to warn us in case it came up somehow. She said her reaction wasn't exactly calm and collected," Xander said, noticing he had seemingly made a big faux pas. "It's not a problem anyway. We're all cool with it."

"You're not freaked out?" she asked.

"Tara, I'm a man. Man doesn't get freaked out when thinking about two women together. Man gets the exact opposite of freaked out. Man gets a video camera and makes a movie that plays late at night on cable," he explained. Tara looked at him with a raised eyebrow and he smiled sheepishly. "And I really should think about these things before I say them."

She smiled and then looked out to the dance floor. She watched Buffy move and couldn't keep herself from admiring every curve on Buffy's body. She watched her move and twist, her body flowing in perfect rhythm with the music. There was such energy in her movements. She radiated heat and veracity.

"So, I'm trying to gauge exactly how deep in it you are here," Xander said. "You look like you're past the 'construction worker howl' stage and into the 'I wanna take her to a double feature and make out' stage."

"It's n-not like I'd have a chance with her anyway," Tara commented with a resigned sigh. Then she looked to Xander curiously for confirmation. "Right?"

"Well, Buffy's never mentioned liking girls. Believe me, I would remember if she did," he explained.

"She's, um, had boyfriends though," Tara said, fishing for Xander to continue.

"A few. Only one really serious one. His name was Angel. But he left," Xander explained. "It was all angsty and depressing with the whole loss of soul if he experiences one true moment of happiness. Well, Buffy made him happy and he had to take off."

"Oh," Tara said. Then she caught a confusing phrase in Xander's story. "Loss of soul?"

"Metaphor," Xander said with a nervous smile. "Figurative loss. They were all about the drama."

"What kind of a name for a guy is Angel?" Tara asked. Xander nodded his head vehemently, jabbing his index finger forward for emphasis.

"My question exactly," he agreed. "But yeah, he was the big, dramatic guy in Buffy's love life."

"So you think she likes only guys?"

"I guess. I don't know. She's never mentioned it, but lots of people keep that kind of thing a secret. Or sometimes they don't even realize it themselves," he answered. He gave her a comforting nudge on the arm. "Couldn't hurt to try."

"Did you ever try?" Tara asked.

"Yeah, I did."

"And did it hurt?"

"Only in the worst way possible," he admitted. Tara looked down at the table. "But only for a little while. Then she saved the world from hell, and we're still friends."

"Oh," Tara said. Again something Xander said confused her. "Saved the world from hell?"

"Did I say that?" he asked with a smile that was too big. Tara nodded her head. "When I said world, I meant the school. And when I said hell, I meant…a bomb."

"A bomb?" Tara asked. She didn't quite know how Buffy could save the school from a bomb. After all, she was just a teenage girl at the time she allegedly saved the school from this bomb.

"Yeah. Big bomb threat during the spring fling," Xander said, spinning a story as fast as he could. "I was using more metaphor. Like the loss of soul thing."

"Metaphor," Tara said, skeptical of Xander's story. Something seemed a little odd about the way he was trying to cover up his word usage. He simply nodded his head. "You like metaphor, huh?"

"I sure do," he said. Then he grabbed her hand. "Come on. Let's go dance."

"Okay," she said as she let him lead her to the dance floor near Buffy and Willow.

She tried to ignore her curiosity over Xander's supposed metaphors. She also tried to ignore how great Buffy looked with the stage lights illuminating her face and her hair and her body. She was suddenly very self-conscious about where her gaze fell for fear of Willow, Xander or, worst of all, Buffy catching her. But she couldn't keep from looking.


	4. Tis the Season

Buffy was walking down the hall with Willow, both of them carrying their duffel bags to head home for Christmas break. They dodged students rushing down the halls in celebration of the end of the semester. A nerf football flew past their heads and they barely ducked out of the way in time. Near the end of the hall they started to pass Tara's open door. Buffy noticed Tara inside and the two of them stopped. Tara looked up when Buffy knocked, surprised to see her there.

"Hey," she greeted them. She stood from her bed, where she had been reading. Buffy looked around and noticed there were no signs of packing for the holidays.

"Hey, I thought you'd be long gone by now," Buffy said in surprise. "Everybody's clearing out for break."

"Oh, I'm not," Tara said.

"You're not going to spend the holidays with your family?" Willow asked curiously.

"I don't really get along with my family," Tara said. "The only one I ever cared about was my mom and she's…"

"What?" Buffy asked when Tara trailed off. Then she saw the sadness in Tara's eyes, and she had a pretty good idea. Willow did, too. "Oh, I'm sorry. When did she…pass away?"

"W-when I was 17. After that I couldn't wait to go to college and get out of there," Tara said.

"So you were just going to spend Christmas alone in your dorm room?" Willow asked, suddenly shocked that anyone could spend Christmas like that.

"Yeah," she said. "I did it last year. It-it's okay."

"No, it's not okay," Buffy said resolutely. "You're spending Christmas with us."

"I don't want to, you know, impose," Tara said.

"I know it seems like a last minute pity invite, but I just assumed you were going home for Christmas," Buffy said. "I would've invited you a long time ago if I had known you were doing Christmas solo."

"We're all getting together for dinner on Christmas," Willow said, trying to help encourage Tara to come. "It'll be fun."

"Come on. Pack some stuff. You can stay at my house," Buffy said. "You shouldn't be stuck in the dorms alone."

"Are you sure it's okay? Your mom w-won't mind?" Tara asked.

"Are you kidding? My mom loves you and she only met you twice," Buffy said with a laugh. "Sometimes I think she wishes you were her daughter instead of me."

Tara chuckled a little and nodded her head. "Okay."

Buffy and Willow waited while Tara packed her things. Tara couldn't help the delighted smile that had spread across her face. In all honesty, her last Christmas break had been horrible. Christmas dinner had consisted of chicken flavored ramen noodles, and the only person she had spoken to in the dorms was a foreign student named Deepak who hadn't been able to afford a flight back to visit his family in India. The two of them spent New Year's Eve playing chess and watching the ball drop while sharing a bottle of champagne he had snuck into the dorm. Deepak was a nice enough guy, but they didn't have a whole lot in common to build any kind of friendship. They hadn't spoken since that holiday break. In the back of her mind, she hoped Deepak had found a way home this year. Her smile widened as her mind wrapped around the concept—she was spending Christmas with Buffy.

* * *

Tara walked down the hall to find Buffy pulling a door down from the ceiling. The ladder slid down and she realized Buffy was headed for the attic.

"What's up?" Tara asked. Buffy turned and smiled.

"Oh, I'm on the great wrapping paper hunt," she replied. "Rumor has it there's some hiding in the attic."

"Want some help?" Tara offered. Buffy nodded her head and the two of them climbed up into the darkness. Buffy fumbled around till she found the light bulb hanging from the rafters. She pulled the chain and the dim light illuminated most of the attic. Tara looked around and spotted an old rocking horse.

"This is kinda cute," she said, surveying the old toy.

"Yeah, that's my inheritance," Buffy commented as she sifted through boxes. Tara looked confused and she explained. "It's an antique. Mom says it's been in the family for, like, forever. It'll be passed on to me."

"Oh, well, that's good," Tara commented as she moved to look for the wrapping paper as well. "Family heirlooms are good."

"What about you? Any weird centuries old stuff that you get to inherit?"

Tara paused for a moment and then spoke quietly. "My mom left me something. It was a Herkimer Diamond. Been in her family for, um, pretty close to forever, too."

"Herki-what?" Buffy asked.

"Herkimer Diamond. It's a crystal. Kinda rare. It has mystical properties," Tara explained. She sighed. "But I couldn't find it when I was packing to go to college. I don't know w-what happened to it."

"You lost it?" Buffy asked.

"Maybe," Tara said. She stopped looking for the wrapping paper and looked down at the floor. "My-my dad…he took a lot of my mom's stuff before I left for school, and he sold it. He always said witchcraft was bad. He-he would yell at her for it. And me. He might have…"

When Tara trailed off, Buffy looked up and couldn't believe what Tara was implying. "Your dad stole your mom's crystal?" Tara said nothing. "You think he did, don't you?"

"He wasn't exactly a Norman Rockwell f-father," Tara said with a sardonic smile. "He never liked me. He had his own opinion about women and Wicca. M-made sure we heard it loud and clear."

"That chauvinistic jerk," Buffy said angrily. Then something else crossed her mind, something that chilled her to the core. She had read things about abuse. She had seen plenty of movies. Tara fit the perfect profile of the shy, timid victim. Buffy hoped it wasn't true. "Did he hit you, Tara? Did that pig hit you?"

"No," Tara said quickly, looking to Buffy in surprise. There was also a hint of anger and apprehension in her gaze. "He didn't."

"That's the truth?" Buffy asked, not entirely convinced.

"Yes, it's the truth," Tara replied.

"Tara—"

"He n-never hit me. Okay? Can-can we just drop it?"

Buffy was taken aback. She had never heard Tara raise her voice like that. It worried her. Something that could get the shy witch so riled up had to be pretty serious. Buffy nodded her head and tried to shrug it off, forcing a smile.

"Sure. Sorry," she said. Then she pointed past Tara and moved toward the box she was looking at. "Hey, I think that's the wrapping paper."

Tara sighed as Buffy passed her and turned. "Buffy—"

"It's okay," Buffy said, looking over her shoulder and giving a reassuring smile. "I was being pushy gal. You don't want to talk about it. That's fine. I understand."

She grabbed the wrapping paper and tossed it down to the hallway through the attic entrance. They climbed down the ladder quietly and then Buffy picked up the box. Before they headed their separate ways Buffy turned back.

"If you ever do wanna talk about it, I'm all ears," she said. Tara nodded her head and then went down the stairs while Buffy headed for her room. Buffy just couldn't shake the feeling that Tara hadn't told the whole truth up in the attic. Something wasn't right. Whether it was simply verbal abuse or also physical, Buffy worried about whatever Tara's father had done to her. She just hoped Tara would feel comfortable enough to open up about it. Something told Buffy that opening up was exactly what Tara needed.

* * *

Willow and Buffy sat in the Magic Box, and Buffy was at a loss for what to get Tara for Christmas. Willow was attempting to help, considering she knew what a witch would like.

"I mean, I had actually planned on getting her a present anyway," Buffy said. "But then I couldn't think of anything, and I thought she was going to visit her family. I'm totally clueless here, and it's Christmas Eve."

"Don't worry, Buffy. I'm sure between the two of us we can come up with something," Willow assured her friend as they stood to start browsing the merchandise.

Buffy browsed the shelves and came upon a crystal that was about the size of a ping pong ball in a glass case with several others. It was transparent but when it caught the sunlight just right it sparkled beautifully. She liked it and had a feeling Tara would, too. She turned to Willow.

"Hey, Will, what about this?" she asked her friend's opinion. Willow came over, caught one look at the label by the crystal and her eyes widened.

"A Herkimer Diamond? Giles didn't tell me he had a Herkimer Diamond," she said in surprise.

"A diamond? That's a big diamond," Buffy said, staring at the crystal. Willow shook her head and explained.

"It's not really a diamond. It's actually a rare kind of quartz. It's just called a Herkimer Diamond," she looked disappointed. "Man, I would really love to have one of those."

"What does it do?"

"It helps provide focus," Willow explained. She had a very excited look on her face. She was like a little kid who was eyeing a shiny new bike that she wanted. "They're supposed to be really great for spells."

"Well, if you want it, I can get Tara something else," Buffy said. She looked at the tag. "It is a little pricier than I expected to spend anyway. I just thought it looked like something she'd..."

Buffy trailed off and Willow looked curious. "What's up?"

"Herkimer?" Buffy asked. Willow nodded her head. Realization kicked in and Buffy's eyes widened. "Ooh, we were talking about family stuff. You know that antique rocking horse my mom has up in our attic?" Willow nodded her head, knowing exactly what Buffy was talking about. "We were in the attic looking for wrapping paper. I told her about that rocking horse and how my mom's going to pass it on to keep it in the family. Tara mentioned that her mom had passed on a Herkimer Diamond to her, but when she was packing for college, she couldn't find it."

"She lost it?" Willow asked, appalled that Tara could be so careless with something so important.

"She's not sure. She doesn't believe that she lost it, but I think she's afraid to say what she really believes," Buffy said. Just the thought of what little she knew about Tara's father made her seethe.

"What's that?"

"That her dad sold it."

"Oh my god," Willow said. "He would just take her stuff and sell it like that? That's horrible. My parents neglected me, but they would never sell my stuff."

"Yeah, well, from the teeny tiny bit of info she's told me about her dad, Tara had good reason not to go home for Christmas," Buffy said.

"Get it for her," Willow said seriously.

"I don't know. Are you sure? You can have it," Buffy said. Willow shook her head.

"She should have it," Willow said. She and Buffy walked toward Giles to get him to open the case to get the crystal. "Besides, she and I are a coven now. It's all about the sisterhood and sharing."

"Sisterhood and sharing? Why isn't my sisterhood like that?" Buffy asked sarcastically. Willow simply smiled.

"See, it only took ten minutes and you already found the perfect present."

"Yeah, I guess I did," Buffy commented. "And Giles says I don't listen."

Willow prepared to get serious as they approached Giles. He looked up and saw Willow's scolding face.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a Herkimer Diamond? You're supposed to keep me in the loop," she said. Giles feigned ignorance.

"I thought I had told you about it," he said.

"Not a peep," Willow said. "I would've snatched that baby up right away."

"Let me guess. You'd like to buy it now?"

"Actually, Buffy's buying it," Willow said, trying to hide the slight twinge of disappointment in her voice. "Turns out it's the perfect present for Tara."

"Really? How so?"

"She used to have one, but she either lost it or her dad sold it," Buffy explained. Giles looked stunned by the latter possibility. "I'm thinking her dad's behind it."

"Buffy, do you honestly believe that girl's father could do something like that to her?"

"I believe he did worse," Buffy said solemnly. "So are you gonna sell me the Herki-thingy or not?"

"Well, you're in luck. This one has a slight imperfection," Giles said. "Nothing too serious to affect its mystical properties, but I had to reduce the price a bit because of it."

"Lucky's my middle name," Buffy said as she followed Giles over to the display case. "Well, actually it's Anne, but it should be Lucky."

* * *

Meanwhile, Tara and Dawn walked through one of Buffy's favorite stores—according to Dawn—in search of a suitable present from Tara to Buffy. Dawn held up a silver cross on a thin silver chain. There was a garnet set in the center of the cross.

"Here, this would be perfect. It's Buffy's birthstone," she said. Tara looked apprehensive.

"Is Buffy, um, religious?" Tara asked. Dawn shrugged her shoulders and replied with a cryptic smile.

"Only around certain people."

"I don't know. I mean, it's jewelry and that's really…I-I don't want her to think that I'm trying to-to…"

Tara trailed off and Dawn looked curious. "Trying to what?"

"Nothing," Tara said nervously. Dawn smiled.

"I know you like her, Tara," she said. Tara tried to play innocent.

"Well, yeah. We're friends."

"No, I mean in a more than friends way," Dawn said. Tara looked away. "You're afraid if you give her jewelry she's going to think you want to date her."

"Yeah," Tara admitted.

"I don't see anything wrong with her thinking that," Dawn said with a shrug of her shoulders. Tara shook her head.

"There's lots of things w-wrong with that. If she doesn't feel the same way it'll mess up everything," Tara said. "And she's n-not like me. She likes guys."

"It's not about her liking guys or girls," Dawn said. "It's about her liking the person. If the person happens to be a girl, that shouldn't be a problem. I always thought she and Faith kind of...well, nevermind."

"I don't know," Tara said with a sigh. She knew Dawn was right, but she still feared Buffy's reaction. Then she scowled. "Who's Faith?"

Dawn ignored the question, took Tara's hand and placed the cross in it. Then she closed Tara's hand into a fist around it.

"Give her that. She'll love it," Dawn said. "I promise."

Tara opened her hand and stared at the cross. This was it. She was taking the leap. She hoped that it would be subtle enough to the point where if Buffy didn't feel the same way, she would just see it as a nice gift from a friend. The last thing she wanted was Buffy to freak out about it. So she purchased the necklace, trying to will the knot in her stomach to untie.


	5. In Love With a Superhero

Tara split up from Dawn after their shopping trip, wanting to pick up something from her dorm room that she had forgotten. By the time she was leaving the dorm, the sun was almost completely set. She became nervous as she walked down the street past one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries. She paused when she heard something. It sounded like a growl. She began walking faster. She cried out when someone jumped over the cemetery fence and landed directly in front of her. It was a man, or someone who resembled a man. His eyes were yellow and his face was very disfigured. Tara saw his fangs and had a good idea what he was, as hard as it was for her to believe. She turned to go back the other way, but another vampire jumped in front of her. She looked around and saw two more vampires coming her way.

"Looks like we've got ourselves an appetizer boys," the lead vampire said. He was the first one who had jumped in front of Tara. He was wearing black jeans, a white t-shirt and a Sunnydale Razorbacks letterman jacket. It appeared he had been turned in high school. Tara guessed that they all had. They were all wearing some type of Sunnydale High School memorabilia.

The lead vampire lunged forward and grabbed Tara, causing her to drop her belongings and scream. He threw her over the short wrought iron cemetery fence and the four vampires leapt over, landing all around her. She struggled to get to her feet. She wanted to run, but the moment she made it to her feet, one of the other vampires grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"We drew straws for first taste," the lead vampire said. He pointed at the vampire holding Tara. "Mark won."

Mark started to go in for his taste as Tara cried out and struggled. Suddenly she felt Mark's grip release and she heard a sound that was sort of a combination between a screech and a hiss. She turned when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Mark won all right," Buffy said. "He won a first class ticket to Dustville, but I'll be charitable and let you guys tag along."

Tara watched in awe as Buffy hurried past her and took on the lead vampire and one of the others. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Buffy fought with all the skill and power of a martial arts expert. Tara was so distracted by the fight she didn't notice the third vampire coming toward her. She cried out as the third vampire pinned her up against the outer wall of a crypt. She couldn't struggle free as he sank his teeth into her neck.

Buffy was almost twenty feet away from Tara when she dusted two of the three remaining vampires. She was horrified when she saw where the third vampire was, but she didn't hesitate. She pulled a stake out of her jacket and hurled it expertly, watching it pierce the vampire through the back, hitting his heart and turning him to dust. When he disappeared, Buffy watched Tara slide down the wall of the crypt to the ground. She was clutching the right side of her neck and leaning back against the crypt.

"Tara!" Buffy called worriedly as she rushed over to her friend. She knelt beside Tara who looked very pale.

"Vampires," Tara muttered. Buffy could tell she was in shock. Then Tara looked Buffy in the eyes. "How d-did…? W-w-what are you?"

"I'll explain all that later," Buffy said. She put her arm around Tara and helped her stand slowly. "Let's take care of you first."

Tara didn't disagree as Buffy led her out of the cemetery and back toward her house on Revello Drive. When they arrived at the house, Dawn and Joyce were waiting, deeply concerned when they saw Tara was hurt. Joyce helped Buffy get Tara up to Buffy's bedroom while Dawn retrieved the first aid kit. Buffy quickly went to work on bandaging Tara's neck wound. Joyce excused herself to make Tara some tea.

"When Dawn told me you went back to the dorm alone and the sun set, we all got a little worried," Buffy said. "It's not a good idea to be out alone after dark in Sunnydale."

Tara didn't respond. She just sat there, staring blankly at the dried blood on her right hand while Buffy finished with the first aid. Joyce returned with the tea and handed it to Buffy.

"I made you some chamomile tea," Joyce said. "It always calms my nerves when I get involved in one of Buffy's slayer situations."

Tara took the cup from Buffy with both hands, but Buffy took it back quickly. Tara's hands were shaking so badly that some of the hot tea had spilled over onto them. Buffy set the tea on the bedside table and wiped off Tara's hands with a towel.

"Maybe we'll wait on the tea," she said, offering a sympathetic smile to Tara. She turned to her family. "Why don't you guys let me talk to Tara? I've got some explaining to do."

Joyce and Dawn left the room and Buffy turned back to Tara. The young witch was still very pale. Buffy knew that was partially due to the blood sucking and partially due to shock. Finally she spoke.

"W-w-w-what h-happened?" she stammered.

"You were right," Buffy began. "Those were vampires. Vampires, demons, ghosts, werewolves. All of that stuff is real."

"A-and you…" Tara said, trailing off.

"Short version. I have super human strength and fight all of those things," Buffy replied.

"And the l-long version?" Tara asked. The word 'slayer' that Joyce had said earlier was sticking in her mind.

"The long version is that I'm a slayer," Buffy answered. She began spouting out the words Giles had first said to her five years before. "In every generation, a slayer is born. One girl with the strength and skill to fight evil. Blah-ditty-blah, it's my sacred birthright."

Tara stared at the bed for a while, mulling over this information. _Vampires are real?_ It was hard for her to grasp, even though she had first-hand proof that they were real in the form of the bite mark on her neck. She blurted out the first thing that crossed her mind.

"Wow," she said. "That must really mess up your s-social life."

That comment elicited first a smile, and then quickly the smile turned into full-on laughter from Buffy. Tara chuckled a little, not fully realizing how amusing her comment had been. Buffy nodded her head.

"Yeah, it really does. Actually, it's why I got kicked out of Hemry. I was fighting vampires when the gym caught on fire," Buffy admitted as her laughter subsided. She used a wash cloth to wipe the blood off Tara's right hand, and then she just held her hand gently, feeling that she had stopped shaking. "Are you okay?"

"I-I think so," Tara said, looking down at their hands and blushing. She pulled her hand away and touched the bandage on her neck gently. "I'm still kind of f-freaked out."

"Understandable. When I saw my first vampire, I was totally wigged," Buffy said. Then she smiled. "Plus, when I staked my first vamp, I didn't get the heart on the first try. I think it was more like his kidneys."

Tara smiled slightly. Buffy could tell she wasn't quite comfortable with the casual discussion of staking vampires.

"And you do this all the time?" Tara asked. Buffy nodded her head.

"Yeah, fighting evil's a 24-7 gig," she replied.

"Do the rest of your friends know?" Tara asked, suddenly feeling like she had been left out somehow.

"Well, yeah, they do," Buffy said, knowing she had to explain why she hadn't told Tara yet. "Giles is actually my watcher. Well he's not officially my watcher anymore, but he, you know, trains me and guides me in the whole evil fighting thing. Willow and Xander found out by accident when I first came to town and I saved them from some vampires. And then Oz and Anya are part of the group by extension. I'm really supposed to have this whole secret identity thing. Giles says it's supposed to help with the slaying if not so many people know."

"Oh," Tara said quietly.

"I was going to tell you eventually," Buffy said. Then she looked embarrassed. "I probably should've told you before I invited you to stay at my house."

"N-no, I understand. You had to keep it secret," Tara said. "It's okay."

"You sure?" Buffy asked. She smiled when Tara nodded her head. "I'm glad you know. Now I don't have to lie to you anymore. I hate lying to people about evil. Honestly, I don't know why I have to be so secretive. I think people would be a lot more careful if they knew demons and vampires were real."

"I know I'll reconsider w-walking alone at night," Tara said.

"If you ever need a late night escort, let me know," Buffy said with a smile. Tara nodded her head and Buffy stood. "Okay, you should get some rest. We were worried so we didn't have dinner. Mom's gonna order some pizza. I'll let you know when it's here if you're up for it."

"Okay, thanks," Tara said. Buffy started to leave and close the door when Tara called after her. "Buffy."

"Yeah?"

"You saved my life," Tara said quietly, the reality of what had occurred earlier truly sinking in. Buffy just nodded her head. "Thank you."

"Any time," Buffy responded.

She closed the door behind her and Tara laid back on the bed. She had a lot of thoughts running through her mind. Vampires were real. Buffy was a super hero. As she drifted off to sleep, one thought occurred to her. She was falling in love with a super hero.

* * *

Later Buffy knocked lightly on the door as she opened it to let Tara know the pizza had arrived.

"Tara," she said softly as she entered the room.

She saw that Tara was sound asleep, curled up on her side. She had obviously been exhausted from her encounter with the vampires. Buffy smiled and grabbed a blanket off the back of her desk chair, gently draping it over Tara.

Buffy stood back and watched Tara sleep for a minute, thinking how she couldn't understand what had been going through her head when she had teased and cajoled this sweet, gentle person in high school. She had thought being popular was so important in high school. Being the slayer had really opened up her eyes to what was really important. Her family, Giles, Willow, Xander, Oz and even Anya. And now Tara. They were the most important people in the world to her, and she knew she would keep all of them safe no matter what.

* * *

Tara awoke and was disoriented at first. It took her a moment to remember that she was in Buffy's room and why she was in Buffy's room. It was still pretty dark in the room. She looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after six in the morning. The sun hadn't risen yet. She pushed back the blanket, not remembering how the blanket got there in the first place, and she looked around the room. She looked at all the pictures—Buffy with Willow and Xander, Buffy with Dawn, Buffy with her whole family. She picked up Mr. Gordo and smiled at the little stuffed pig. Then she turned and quietly made her way out of the room. As she crept down the stairs she noticed Buffy asleep on the couch and felt guilty that Buffy gave up her bed for her. Tara watched Buffy sleep for a moment and then headed for the kitchen where she saw a light on. Joyce looked up from the newspaper when she heard Tara approaching.

"Oh, good morning, Tara," she said. A concerned smile appeared on her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Thanks," Tara replied. She sat on one of the stools at the kitchen island. "You're up early."

"So are you," Joyce shot back. Tara smiled.

"I've slept enough. I was dead to the world. Except I w-wasn't," she stammered, realizing the irony of her phrasing. "Thanks to Buffy."

"I'm just glad you both made it back alive," Joyce replied. She pulled another mug out of the cabinet. "Coffee?"

"Yes, thank you," Tara replied. She watched Joyce move about the kitchen. It reminded her of when she and her mother would get up early. Her mother would have coffee and Tara would have hot chocolate. It would be their time before her father and brother woke up and stole the rest of the day away from them.

"Milk or sugar?" Joyce asked, pulling Tara out of her thoughts.

"Oh, sugar, please."

"I've always been an early riser," Joyce said as she set the sugar and cup of coffee in front of Tara. She picked up her own coffee and sipped it. "There's something about watching the sunrise that just makes me feel like I'm getting a fresh start. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah," Tara said. She spoke softly, and Joyce could hear both nostalgia and sadness in her voice. "I'm a morning person, too. M-my mom and I would watch the sunrise every morning. It-it was our special time."

"I was sorry to hear about your mother. Buffy told me she's passed on," Joyce said sympathetically. Tara nodded her head and stared into her coffee. "You know, I actually think I met her once or twice. When Buffy told me your last name was Maclay it rang a bell. I believe we met at parent-teacher conferences at Hemry. You and Buffy had the same English teacher. Your mother's name was Olivia, right?"

Tara nodded her head.

"She was a lovely woman, and she was so proud of you. While we were waiting, all she could talk about was what a wonderful writer you were and how she had high hopes for you." Joyce noticed Tara's eyes starting to tear up and she apologized. "And I am treading into very personal territory. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"N-no, it's okay," Tara said. She wiped at her eyes and managed a smile. "I like talking about my mom. E-even if it makes me sad. It helps me remember her. Sh-she died of cancer. She got really sick for a while and they did the treatments, but it was no good. One day she just couldn't fight anymore."

"I'm sorry," Joyce said. Tara stared into her coffee and Joyce reached across the island, touching Tara's hand gently. "She would be proud of you. I know it."

Tara smiled in embarrassment.

"Well, you must be proud of Buffy," she said, wanting to change the subject off of her. "She's out saving the world from nasty monsters every night."

"Oh, I'm proud…and terrified," Joyce admitted with a smile.

"H-how do you deal with it?" Tara asked.

"How do I deal with the absolute fear of losing one of my daughters?" Joyce asked. Tara nodded her head. "Well, when I first found out, I was in pure denial. Things didn't work out so well. But after a while I started getting used to it. Rupert assured me that Buffy is the best slayer he's ever known. So, I try to think of it like she's a police woman."

"And that works?" Tara asked as she sipped her coffee.

"Most of the time," Joyce said. "But even if she was really a police woman and not a vampire slayer, I'd still be worried. All part of being a mother I guess."

"She's lucky to have you," Tara said. Joyce could see the sadness in Tara's eyes. She was curious about the rest of Tara's family. She wanted to ask why she wasn't going home for the holidays but knew she shouldn't pry. She had already gone too far with the talk of her mother. So Joyce decided to try to lighten the mood.

"So what do you hope for in the new year?" she asked. Tara thought about it for a moment and smiled slightly.

"To be happy. And n-not alone."

"Well, we've got the not alone part more than covered," Joyce said.

Tara looked up and smiled. She wished she had family like this. She wished that for once she had someone who truly cared for her. Then when Joyce motioned for her to join her in the back yard with their coffee to watch the sunrise, she realized that she did. Whether Buffy felt exactly the same way about Tara as Tara felt about her or not, Buffy and her family and friends genuinely cared about Tara. It was the kind of caring she hadn't felt since her mother died. It felt good, and Tara didn't want to lose that.


	6. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

_Osiris – Try hitting refresh on Chapter 5. It shows up fine for me. In full._

_A/N: The Christmas scene from the beginning of "The Body" was such a perfect Christmas scene. The dialogue about the reality of Santa was too perfect to try to write something else. I love that scene and have humbly borrowed it from Joss. I rarely use scenes from the show unless they're used in flashbacks, but this time, I couldn't resist._

* * *

Wrapping paper littered the living room floor of the Summers' household as the holiday celebration commenced in full swing. Dawn played Santa Claus, complete with a red Santa hat, as she periodically disappeared under the tree for another present to hand out. The entire gang was there, having a fun and evil-free time for once. Tara couldn't have been happier. This was what families were supposed to be like. It had been a long time since she had been this happy at Christmas.

"Okay, this one's for Tara from Buffy," Dawn said, handing over the box. Tara pulled at the ribbon and tore off the blue and white snowflake paper. When she opened the box beneath the paper she was stunned. She couldn't believe Buffy had remembered. She pulled it out of the box and stared at it.  
  
"Oh my god," she said. She held the crystal up and examined it.  
  
"I have it on good authority that those are kinda rare," Buffy said with a smirk. "I remembered what you said about the one you used to have. I know it's not the same one that belonged to your mom, but I thought you'd still like it."  
  
"Where did you get it?" Tara asked, her voice twinged with disbelief.  
  
"At the Magic Box," Buffy replied. She saw tears forming in Tara's eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you."  
  
"No, you-you don't understand," Tara said with a smile. Buffy realized they were happy tears. "I think this _is_ the same one that belonged to my mom."  
  
"What makes you think that?" Willow asked, not having a clue how Tara could tell this specific crystal from any other of the same type.  
  
"See this little imperfection?" Tara said, holding the crystal out to Willow. She and Giles both moved over to look at it. "The one m-my mom left me had it, too. Same shape and size. Everything. Where did you get it, Mr. Giles?"  
  
"My supplier said he bought it off a man in Los Angeles about three years ago," Giles replied. Buffy and Tara exchanged a knowing look and Tara laughed, wiping at her tears.  
  
"That was my dad," she said. "Your supplier got it from my dad."  
  
"Extraordinary," Giles said in amazement.  
  
"This is like that six degrees of separation game," Xander said with an incredulous smirk.  
  
"All the fun but without Kevin Bacon," Oz added in his usual deadpan tone.  
  
"What a coincidence that that crystal ended up in your shop, Rupert," Joyce said.  
  
"I thought you knew by now, mom," Buffy said. "There are no coincidences in this town."  
  
"Thank you so much," Tara said to Buffy.  
  
"You know I thought it was a little pricey at first, but now I know it was worth every penny," Buffy said with a smile. She couldn't have asked the gods to drop a better present out of the sky.  
  
Dawn headed under the tree again, digging for more presents. Xander received a collection of Monty Python videos from Giles. Willow's present from Dawn caused Anya to scream and insist that the present be hidden in another room until she and Xander left for the evening. The pink bunny slippers were placed in one of the kitchen cabinets upon that request. Anya received a book about wise investing from Buffy. Oz received a set of vintage guitar picks from Xander. His simple 'Cool' was taken as an expression of deep gratitude. Giles received a first edition Hemingway from Joyce, courtesy of one of her contacts with her gallery. According to Anya, Dawn's squeal of excitement upon opening the present from her mother was at a volume only dogs and bats could hear. It was a leather jacket she had been hinting at for over a month. Joyce was wearing a mother's ring that Buffy and Dawn had gone together to buy. It had Joyce's birthstone in the center and then Dawn and Buffy's birthstones on either side. She assured them that she loved it.  
  
Finally Dawn sifted through all the discarded wrapping paper and found the last present. It had fallen to the back and, being so small, had gone unnoticed until now. Dawn passed it over to Buffy.  
  
"Ooh, saved the best for last," Buffy said with a grin.  
  
"I-I don't know about that," Tara said nervously, recognizing her present to Buffy. The slayer read the tag and looked over at her newest friend.  
  
"From Tara. Let me guess. It's a car," she said with a smirk, holding up the small box. Tara smiled sheepishly. Buffy pulled off the bow and tossed it to Willow, who had been decorating her sweater all evening with discarded bows. Buffy tore off the paper and looked surprised by what she found inside the small box. She picked up the cross and pulled the chain out of the box. "Wow. Tara, it's beautiful."  
  
"D-Dawn helped pick it out," she said nervously. Then she smiled. "I, um, asked if you were religious, and she said only around certain people. I didn't get that at first." The others chuckled at that. "I probably should've bought one for myself, too."  
  
"It's perfect," Buffy said as she latched the chain around her neck. She looked Tara in the eyes with genuine gratitude. "Thank you."  
  
Tara nodded her head shyly and smiled.  
  
"So, I guess that's all the presents," Joyce said as she stood. "Anybody want more nog while I get the pies cut?"  
  
"I think I'm nogged out," Willow said.  
  
Joyce and Giles headed for the kitchen to serve the pies. Everybody else stood to return to the dining room to have pie.  
  
"My nog tasted funny," Dawn said, looking down into her glass. "I think I might've had one with rum in it."  
  
"That's bad," Willow said.  
  
"Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by. Naughty booze hound," Xander joked. Dawn chuckled at his comment.  
  
"Santa always passes me by," Willow said, feigning disappointment. Oz rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. "Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah."  
  
Xander turned to Dawn then. "What'd you ask Santa for, Dawnster?"  
  
"Um, puberty, Xander. Sorta figured out the whole no Santa thing," Dawn said with a smirk.  
  
"That's a myth," Anya said. Dawn nodded her head in agreement but Anya shook her head. "No, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus."  
  
Everyone looked over at Anya in surprise. Xander smiled broadly.  
  
"Benefits of having a thousand year old girlfriend. Inside scoop," he said, turning to Anya.  
  
"There i-is a Santa Claus?" Tara asked. It was hard enough grasping vampires were real and that Buffy fought them. She had also been informed that Oz was a werewolf and Anya was an ex-vengeance demon. Lumping on a real Santa Claus was putting her into mind-reeling territory.  
  
"Been around since, like, the 1500s," Anya explained. "He wasn't always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney—all true."  
  
"All true?" Dawn asked, suddenly excited to know Santa was real.  
  
"Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children, but otherwise..." Anya said. Everyone suddenly looked very alarmed.  
  
"Th-the reindeer part was nice," Tara said quietly. The group retreated to the dining room. Tara lagged toward the back and Dawn noticed. She whispered in Tara's ear.  
  
"See. She didn't freak out."  
  
Tara smiled slightly and was relieved to realize Dawn was right. Buffy genuinely liked the gift. No freak out and no assumptions. She looked at the Herkimer Diamond in her hand and relaxed, deciding to just enjoy the rest of the evening.

* * *

Outside the Summers residence someone lurked in the shadows. A small stream of smoke wafted up away from him as he watched. He tossed his cigarette away and stepped closer to the house.  
  
"You have your merriment, slayer," Spike said bitterly. "But when your fa la las are done, we're gonna have a go. Count on it."

* * *

Later on Christmas evening, once everyone was gone, Tara sat on Buffy's bed while Buffy gathered some of her things to take downstairs for the night.  
  
"I can sleep on the couch," Tara said. She had understood Buffy giving up her bed the previous night because of the vampire attack, but she felt guilty about it now. "You shouldn't give up your room."  
  
"It's not a problem. The couch is actually comfortable…if you contort your body just right," Buffy said with a smile. Tara chuckled. Buffy was about to leave when she stopped and closed the door. She turned to Tara, nervous about what she was going to say. "Look, I know I said that you could talk about your dad whenever you felt like it, and I probably shouldn't push it. But I can't stop making up scenarios in my head of what happened to you. Some of them turn into fantasies of me kicking his ass at the end. I have to know if he hurt you."  
  
Tara looked down at the Herkimer Diamond, which she was still holding tightly in her hands. She wasn't sure how to proceed. This went deeper than her sexual orientation. It was a topic she hadn't talked about to anyone. It was something she wanted to forget. It was why she had run from Los Angeles to Sunnydale.  
  
"He-he didn't really hurt me physically…much," she said finally. "He slapped me a couple times and pushed me around. Like shoving me against walls and-and stuff. Mostly he, um, just yelled at me a lot. Mental stuff. Called me worthless. Called me a-a whore."  
  
"A whore? Why?" Buffy asked. She sat on the bed next to Tara, but her friend didn't look up. She was staring at the crystal, ashamed that she had put up with what she had put up with.  
  
"He said it after he found out…that I'm-I'm gay," she explained. She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat. "He wasn't as bad as D-Donnie."  
  
"Your brother," Buffy said. Tara nodded her head. "What'd he do to…? Hey, what's this?"  
  
She looked down at Tara's wrists. It had never occurred to Buffy before, but Tara always wore long-sleeved shirts. Buffy had never seen her wrists. Now she was wearing a t-shirt. Buffy grabbed Tara's right hand and turned it palm up. Tara tried to pull away, but she couldn't pull out of the slayer's firm grasp. Buffy ran her finger along a pale scar that ran up the length of Tara's forearm. She had an identical one on her other arm.  
  
"What is this?" she asked. She knew what it was, but she didn't want to believe it. She looked to Tara in shock. "Did you…?"  
  
"No-no, I didn't," Tara said. She finally pulled her arm free and hugged her arms around herself. "I d-didn't do that."  
  
"Who did?" Buffy asked. She was so confused and scared of what Tara was going to tell her. Buffy could deal with the pain demons and vampires inflicted. She could handle that. She couldn't handle humans that inflicted the same kind of pain, or sometimes a worse kind of pain.  
  
"Donnie and his friends attacked me a-after school one day," she explained. Her voice shook as she spoke. She was talking about one of the worst experiences of her life. She had only repeated this story twice—once for the police and once for the court. "They-they tried to make it look like s-suicide. He said dykes kill themselves all the time."  
  
"Oh my god, your own brother would do that to you?" Buffy asked. Tara nodded her head and continued. Buffy wasn't sure if she wanted to hear more, but she didn't stop her. She had a feeling that Tara needed to do this.  
  
"They were stupid. They couldn't make it look like suicide because I w-wouldn't hold still long enough. So they beat me up, and then when I was pretty much f-fought out, they cut me."  
  
Buffy moved closer and rested her hand on Tara's shoulder. She could see the pain in the young witch's face. There was so much she had been through, more than Buffy could comprehend.  
  
"One of Donnie's friends s-stuck around after everybody left me there," she continued. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. "He, um, said he w-w-was gonna turn me straight."  
  
"Oh god, no," Buffy said. Her eyes were wide with fear. She didn't want to hear this. It was more than she wanted to know. She didn't want to even imagine it.  
  
"One of my teachers s-stopped him before he…"  
  
Buffy relaxed slightly, glad that Tara had been spared at least a little pain. Not much, but it was a start.  
  
"Please tell me those bastards are in jail," she said. Tara nodded her head.  
  
"Donnie and one of his, um, friends got twenty years for attempted m-murder," she replied. "The others got five years for assault, but I think most of them are, um, already out on p-parole."  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Tara was sniffing back tears. Buffy waited for Tara to say something else or give some kind of signal that she was finished. She began talking again.  
  
"I almost died. Spent two weeks in the-the hospital. I'd never seen my dad so concerned about me before," she explained. "Then I realized he was worried because he was afraid Donnie would get put away for murder if I died. He didn't w-want his precious son to get the death penalty."  
  
"So this was after your mom…?" Buffy asked, trailing off. Tara simply nodded her head. Buffy could feel her hatred for Tara's brother and father boiling within her. "I've never truly wanted to kill a human till now."  
  
Tara shook her head. "They're not in my life now. I left while dad w-was sleeping. I didn't tell him where I was going. I just had to-to stay long enough to finish high school and get a scholarship."  
  
"He hasn't tried to find you?" Tara shook her head. Buffy exhaled and shook her head in frustration. "God, Tara…how are you still sane?"  
  
Tara chuckled and finally looked up at Buffy. "That could be up for debate."  
  
"But all this stuff you've been through and you're here," Buffy said in amazement. "Sure you're kinda shy, but still. You're a good student. You're making new friends. Nobody would even know—"  
  
"That was kind of my plan. For people not to know," she said. "I'm trying to start over. To move on."  
  
"You can move on, but bottling this stuff up and not telling anyone will make it that much harder for you," Buffy said. "Believe me, I've tried running away before. Didn't work."  
  
"I guess," she muttered. She shook her head. "It's just...I know he probably doesn't know where I am, but sometimes I still think I might turn a corner and run into him. Or e-even both of them."  
  
"You shouldn't have to be afraid like that," Buffy said. She reached up and wiped a stray tear off Tara's face with her thumb. Tara closed her eyes and exhaled, trying not to react too much to Buffy's soft touch. She realized that for someone so strong, Buffy could still be just as gentle. "If you do see them again, you just have to show them that you're not the same girl they cut down. They're just pathetic excuses for men that cut you down to make themselves look strong."  
  
"I know. But it's hard n-not to be afraid."  
  
"You know that if they ever did anything to you again, I'd—"  
  
"Kick their asses into next week. Yeah, I know," Tara interrupted with a smirk, remembering what Buffy had said about Liz Lopez. She sighed and looked at the clock. It was well past midnight. She also knew that if Buffy touched her again, she would simply melt in the slayer's arms. "Look, Buffy, thanks for listening to all my baggage. I'm sure I've really impressed you w-with how emotionally scarred I am."  
  
She smiled, trying to make sure Buffy knew she was joking. The slayer took this as a signal and stood. She guessed that Tara had had enough share time for one evening.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Buffy said. "I can deal with scars. Got a few of my own. But I'll have to tell you about those some other time because it's later than late."  
  
Tara nodded her head as Buffy gathered her things again and headed for the door. "Buffy." The slayer turned. "Merry Christmas."  
  
Buffy smiled and returned the sentiment. "Merry Christmas." As she headed down the stairs, Buffy's mind kept running what Tara told her over and over on repeat. She hadn't dealt with very many humans that were what she would consider evil. Faith was one, although she was on the road to redemption. Buffy assumed Mayor Wilkins had been human at some point. Ethan Rayne was on the low spectrum of evil. He was more of a nuisance than anything. But Tara's father and brother really sounded like evil. _What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with them_, she thought.  
  
As she settled in on the couch, Buffy couldn't get her mind off of Tara. It amazed her how important the young witch had become to her in such a short time. It wasn't just about redeeming herself for her Cordelia Era. She had befriended Tara so quickly. She remembered buddying up with Xander and Willow fairly quickly, but that was different. There was a dynamic between her and Tara that Buffy didn't quite understand. Tara was on her mind a lot, even when they weren't around each other. It was something that puzzled Buffy and she wanted to put the puzzle together. 


	7. When the Ball Drops

_A/N: I have quoted The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Beautiful, beautiful book. Fabulous writing. I recommend it to all._

* * *

The afternoon of New Year's Eve, Tara was curled up in one of the deck chairs in Buffy's back yard reading when the slayer joined her. Buffy leaned over to get a good look at the cover of Tara's book.

"The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold," she read off the cover. When she leaned over, the cross necklace that Tara had given her dangled from her neck. Tara was internally overjoyed to see Buffy was still wearing it. "That's what you literature buffs call leisure reading, huh?"

"Yeah," Tara replied. Buffy sat back in the other chair and sighed, enjoying the sunlight on her skin. "It's really good. You should read it."

"Nah. Call me a Cosmo girl. I have a hard enough time finishing the required reading for class."

"You don't like reading much," Tara observed. Buffy shrugged her shoulders.

"It's not so much that I don't like it," Buffy replied. "I just don't get much time for reading. My leisure activities tend to require less brain power and more dancing."

Tara smiled and nodded her head. She placed her bookmark to save her page and set her book down.

"Oh, speaking of dancing. The Dingoes are playing the Bronze tonight," Buffy said. "We're all gonna be there. It's the big New Year's Eve bash. You joining us?"

"I guess I could," Tara replied shyly. "I don't have m-much else going on."

They sat and enjoyed the sun and silence for a moment. Then Buffy looked back to Tara. "So what's the book about?"

"Huh?" Tara asked, caught off guard by the break in the silence. Then she realized what Buffy had asked. "Oh, it-it's about this girl who was murdered and the way that everybody deals with it. The way the author wrote it, though, was from the perspective of th-the murdered girl in heaven as she looked down on everyone on Earth."

"Sounds morbid," Buffy said with a grimace. Murder stories weren't really appealing to her. She dealt with enough killing in her own life.

"It does until you start reading it," Tara replied. "The writing style is just-just so captivating."

"Read me some," Buffy said, gesturing to the book. Tara looked apprehensive. Buffy continued prodding with a smile. "Come on, read me this captivating stuff."

Tara reluctantly opened the book to the page she had marked and chose a paragraph.

"'Wet laundry. The snap, the yank, the wet heaviness of double- and queen-sized sheets. The real sounds bringing back the remembered sounds of the past when I had lain under the dripping clothes to catch water on my tongue or run in between them as if they were traffic cones through which I chased Lindsey or was chased by Lindsey back and forth. And this would be joined by the memory of our mother attempting to lecture us about the peanut butter from our hands getting on the good sheets, or the sticky lemon-candy patches she had found on our father's shirts. In this way the sight and smell of the real, of the imagined, and of the remembered all came together for me.'"

When Tara looked up, she saw Buffy just staring, listening attentively. Buffy smiled, but she didn't say anything.

"What?" Tara asked, wondering why Buffy was smiling at her like that.

"Nothing, it's just…" Buffy trailed off, hoping she wouldn't embarrass or insult Tara with what she was about to say. She didn't intend it that way, but she knew Tara was particularly self-conscious about it. "You didn't stutter when you were reading that. Not once."

"Oh," she responded. She looked down at the book, blushing. "W-what'd you think?"

Buffy smiled. Tara thought for a moment—before dismissing it as wishful thinking—that she heard a flirtatious lilt in Buffy's tone of voice.

"Definitely captivating."

* * *

Once they walked Dawn to her friend's house for the night, Tara and Buffy met Xander, Willow, Oz and Anya at the Bronze to begin their own New Year's fun. Tara felt slightly uncomfortable at first. But after some time and a couple drinks, she loosened up a little bit. The dance floor was very crowded, and she felt embarrassed at first when she and Buffy were dancing due to how close they were forced to be. After a while, she got used to it, and Buffy didn't seem to mind.

It started to near midnight, and the group was at the table they had claimed early on. Oz was on stage with his band in order to play once midnight came. The four girls sat at the tall table while Xander stood with his left arm wrapped around Anya's waist.

"Oh, I'm on empty," Buffy said, looking down into her cup. "I need something for midnight."

"Me too," Willow said.

"I'll get drinks. Anyone else?" Buffy asked. Anya and Xander shook their heads and Tara stood with Buffy.

"I'll go with you," Tara said. "I'm out, too."

"Okay," Buffy agreed.

"Hurry back," Willow said. Then she turned to look up to the stage and shoot Oz a smile.

Buffy and Tara made their way through the crowd and up to the bar. It turned out everybody was getting a refill for the big moment. They couldn't get the bartender's attention.

"What? Do I have to take my top off to get some attention around here?" Buffy asked as she fruitlessly waved at the bartender. Tara blushed slightly and just laughed. Then the Dingoes' lead singer, Devon, announced that it was one minute to midnight. Everybody cheered.

"Maybe we should just go back to the table," Tara suggested. "We don't need drinks."

They turned and found that they were trapped.

"Man, we're packed in here like cattle," Buffy said with a frustrated pout.

"Think people would move if we mooed?" Tara asked. Buffy laughed.

"I doubt they'd even hear us," she shouted over the noise of the crowd.

As the two of them tried to find a path away from the bar, Devon counted down and the crowd joined in.

"Nineteen…eighteen…seventeen…"

"Well, we're stuck," Buffy said, turning to Tara. The bartender had finally come over to them. "Drink?"

Tara smiled and nodded her head. Buffy quickly placed their orders.

"Ten…nine…eight…"

"You got your resolution?" Buffy asked. Tara thought about her resolution, but she couldn't say it out loud. Not to Buffy, and not here.

"Four…three…two…one. Happy New Year!"

The crowd erupted in cheers and confetti flew up in the air as everyone celebrated. Tara wasn't sure what came over her. She had had a few more drinks than she was used to, but she didn't feel _that_ drunk. Maybe it was the crowd. Maybe it was the noise. But without any warning, she leaned forward and kissed Buffy. The slayer was caught off guard and her eyes widened. For a brief moment, though, she closed her eyes and didn't break away. Tara thought she felt Buffy kiss back. Soon, though, it was over as Buffy pushed Tara back.

"Tara!" she said. The look on her face was one of shock. The pessimist in Tara felt Buffy looked disgusted as well, and that's the feeling that Tara believed. She shook her head and looked very hurt.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry. I d-d-didn't…" she stammered. Then she turned and pushed her way through the crowd, wanting to get as far away from Buffy as she possibly could. She had disappeared into the cheering crowd amidst the singing of 'Auld Lange Syne' before Buffy even managed to shake away the shock.

"No. Tara! Wait!" she shouted in the direction Tara had gone. She pushed against the crowd and shoved her way through. She couldn't see Tara anywhere. She made her way back to the table where Willow, Xander and Anya were.

"Hey! Happy New Year!" Willow shouted, jumping out of her chair and giving Buffy a hug before Buffy could say anything. When Buffy half-heartedly returned the hug, Willow stepped back and finally saw the worried look on her friend's face. "What's wrong?"

"Did Tara come by here?" Buffy asked.

"No, we haven't seen her since you guys went up to the bar," Xander said.

"We…had a misunderstanding," Buffy said, not sure she wanted to tell her friends yet that she and Tara had kissed. "She got upset and took off. You're sure you didn't see her?"

"We didn't see her," Willow said. "What happened?"

"I'll explain later," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I'm afraid she might have left the Bronze. Will, I need you to stay here. Check the bathroom and just kind of look around. Xander and Anya, can you guys go to Tara's dorm room and see if she went there? Maybe you'll even catch up to her on the way."

"Sure," Xander agreed.

"I'll go home and see if she went back there," Buffy said. "If you find her, call my house."

The group split up and went in search of Tara. Buffy felt more and more guilty by the second. She just hoped she would find Tara safe and unharmed, and then they could talk about what happened.

* * *

She hadn't brought the key to her dorm room with her to the Bronze so Tara had to go back to the Summers house to get her things. She hoped that Joyce was asleep so she could get out quickly and quietly. She walked nervously down the street. Her previous encounter with vampires left her on edge at night. She felt stupid for leaving the Bronze, but she felt even more stupid for what she had done.

_Insane,_ she thought. _I went insane._

As she made her way up the front walk, she saw a light on in the living room and wiped at her tears. She had a feeling that wouldn't really keep Joyce from noticing that she was upset, but it was all she could do as she entered the house. She was even more disappointed when she saw Joyce wasn't alone. Apparently, Giles had decided to keep Joyce company on New Year's Eve. They were sitting on the sofa watching an old movie. They looked over and were surprised to see Tara back already and alone.

"Tara, what are you doing back?" Joyce asked.

"I-I don't feel w-well," she lied. "I, um, think I'm coming down with something. I-I'm just going to go back to the dorm."

"Nonsense. If you're sick, you shouldn't be alone in some drafty old dormitory," Joyce said. Giles sat up and Joyce stood, moving over to Tara. Joyce did the typical mother temperature gauge by feeling Tara's forehead with the back of her hand.

"I-I don't wanna get anyone else sick," Tara said.

"You feel warm, but not feverish," Joyce said. She finally noticed the tear stains on Tara's cheeks and had a good idea of what was going on. "You're not sick, are you?"

Tara crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the floor. "I c-can't talk about it," she said quietly. Joyce rested her hand gently on Tara's shoulder and turned to Giles.

"Rupert, I think Tara and I need to have a girls' talk," Joyce said. Giles nodded his head and stood.

"Of course, it's late anyway," he said as he grabbed his coat and moved to the door. "Good evening, ladies." He gave Tara's arm a gentle squeeze. "Take care, Tara."

Once he was gone, Joyce led Tara over to the sofa and got her to sit down. Tara leaned on her knees and stared at the floor. Joyce sat beside her.

"M-Mrs. Summers, I can't—"

"Did Buffy say something to upset you?" Joyce asked, interrupting Tara's protest. Tara shook her head.

"N-no, it wasn't Buffy's fault. It w-was me. I'm s-so stupid," Tara said dejectedly.

"You are not stupid," Joyce said, resting her hand on Tara's shoulder again. "What happened?"

"I-I…" Tara said trailing off. She couldn't force herself to tell Joyce that she was in love with her daughter. She had a feeling Joyce would be even more appalled than Buffy was.

"Did you tell Buffy how you feel about her?" Joyce asked. Tara looked over at her in shock. She smiled back at her. "I may be a mom, but I'm not _that_ old, Tara. I do notice things."

"Am I that o-obvious?" Tara asked in shock and frustration. "Willow saw it. Xander and Dawn saw it. You s-saw it."

"I don't think Rupert knows," Joyce tried to reassure her. Tara scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Buffy sure didn't know. She does now."

"Sweetie, what happened?" Joyce asked, putting on her best sympathetic mom face. It was the face she had perfected when Dawn came home from a bad day at school. Except in Dawn's case, the sympathetic mom face was usually accompanied by cookies. Joyce had a feeling Tara would find cookies a little patronizing.

Tara sighed and looked away from Joyce again. "I kissed her."

Joyce was surprised, but she remained silent. She knew there was more Tara had to say.

"At midnight. We w-w-were by the bar and I-I just did it."

"You sure did it," a male voice said. The two women looked over at the foyer in surprise. Then they stood. Joyce stepped protectively in front of Tara when she recognized him. "I thought the bleedin' slayer was going to throw you across the bar."

"Spike, how did you get in here?" Joyce asked.

"Funny thing, Joyce," he said as he stepped into the living room toward them. The two women backed up until they were backed against the fireplace. "Remember when Buffy invited me in a couple years ago? We had that whole truce thing going to keep Angel from destroying the world. Seems your daughter forgot to revoke the invitation."

"She'll kill you," Joyce said.

"She'll try," he said smugly. "Truth is I'm not here for her. Not yet."

He lunged forward and grabbed the two women. They struggled, but he was too strong. He threw Joyce across the room, sending her crashing into the desk. Tara watched in horror as she fell unconscious. Then Spike held Tara up against the fireplace and looked her up and down.

"You're a vampire," Tara said, stating the obvious in her panicked state. He smiled.

"I'm not just _a_ vampire, pet," he said. He leaned forward until their faces were barely an inch apart. "I'm _the_ vampire. The one that's going to kill the slayer."

He stepped back and then quickly punched Tara, causing her to fall into darkness.

* * *

Giles saw Buffy walking quickly down the street and he stopped. He assured her that Tara had made it safely back to her house and then offered Buffy a ride home. When he pulled back into Buffy's driveway, they were both alarmed to see the front door wide open.

"I only left them ten minutes ago," he said. The two of them got out of the car and hurried inside. Buffy's heart sank when she saw the mess by the desk and the pictures that had fallen off the mantle. She saw a slip of paper stuck to the wooden mantle with one of Buffy's own daggers. She pulled out the dagger and read the note.

"Got Joyce and your girlfriend. Come and get it. Spike."

"Spike's back in town?" Giles asked as Buffy handed him the paper.

"Where would he take them?" Buffy asked.

"He could be anywhere," Giles said, admittedly at a loss.

"No, he'll take them someplace where he knows I'll find him," she said. "Either the factory or the mansion on Crawford street."

She moved to her weapons trunk and pulled out some stakes and an axe, handing them to Giles. She stuffed some stakes in her jacket for herself and then pulled out a small crossbow.

"I'll take the mansion. Call Willow and Xander before you go, and check the factory," she said. "Call my cell phone if you find them."

"Buffy, you shouldn't go alone," Giles said.

"I'll manage," she said. "Spike's worn out his welcome in this town. He's dust."

She hurried out of the house on foot before Giles could protest. She vowed she would see Spike turn to dust, or she would die trying.


	8. Resolutions

Joyce regained consciousness to find she was chained up on the floor in a very large room. The furniture was dusty, but she recognized the interior of the mansion that Angel had inhabited. She had only been there once. Spike had lit a fire in the fireplace and the glow lit Tara's still form across the room. Then she saw Spike leaning against the wall near Tara. He was smoking a cigarette and holding a long metal spike in his free hand. He saw her looking at him and tossed his cigarette away.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," he said. "Don't get used to it."

He turned and used the metal spike to poke at Tara. She stirred and then finally she sat up. Her eyes filled with terror when she saw the chains on her wrists and then saw him standing over her.

"And sleeping beauty makes two," Spike said. He reached down and grabbed the chain between Tara's wrist manacles, roughly pulling upward until she was forced to stand. He hooked the chain over a hook, stretching her arms above her head. When he stepped back she tried to pull her hands out of the manacles, but she had no luck.

"Don't you dare hurt her," Joyce said fearfully.

"I think I'll do as I please, Joyce," he said. He walked toward Joyce and tossed the spike between his hands. "Did Buffy ever tell you how I got the name Spike?" Joyce didn't answer. He turned back to Tara and smiled. "You see, when I was a young vampire, I liked to have fun. Angelus, being the fluffy ponce that he is, kind of dragged the fun right out of me over the years. But at first, I liked to torture my victims…with railroad spikes."

Tara looked absolutely terrified as her gaze fell on the spike in his hands. He took another step toward her.

"P-please, don't do this," she pleaded. She didn't know what else she could do or say. She couldn't get out of the chains.

"It's been a long time since I've had a good torture session," he said. He stepped toward Tara again and ran the point of the spike along the left side of her jaw. "I'm still debating on whether or not I should start with you, though. I saw how Buffy looked at you. I think I might be doing her a favor. Save her the trouble of trying to be all sympathetic about breaking your heart. She must not have told you about Angel. Nope. The slayer will never love you."

"Shut up, Spike," Joyce said. She hoped arguing with Spike would stall the inevitable. She didn't want to see Tara hurt. But Spike ignored her. He simply ran the metal spike from one side of Tara's neck to the other.

"If it weren't for that pesky gypsy curse, Angel would still be here. You wouldn't have a prayer in the world. Not that you do anyway," he continued. Tears formed in Tara's eyes. Part of her knew Spike was right, but the rest of her was too terrified to think about it. "Truth hurts. Kind of like this."

Tara's scream echoed in the nearly empty mansion as he ran the metal spike through her right thigh. Spike pulled it out and her knees buckled. She dangled from the chains above her head and she trembled from the pain. Her face was a ghostly shade of white and tears streamed down her face.

"No!" Joyce shouted. "Please."

"Don't worry, Joyce," Spike said. He licked Tara's blood off the metal and smiled. Then he shoved the spike into the same thigh just a little above the last spot and relished as she released another blood curdling scream. He turned to look at Joyce who had closed her eyes and turned her head away, unable to watch. "You'll get your turn."

* * *

By the time Buffy reached the mansion, Giles had called her. He and the others already checked the factory and found nothing. They were on their way in Oz's van to meet her. She told him she expected Spike to be dust by the time they joined her. Giles told her to be careful.

She heard a scream inside the mansion and went into attack mode. She rushed inside and found Spike standing in front of Tara, who was dangling from chains over her head. A metal spike was protruding from her left shoulder just below the collar bone. Her blood was quickly staining her shirt. The right leg of her jeans was nearly covered in blood. She screamed again when Spike yanked the spike out. He saw Buffy and smiled.

"Took you a little longer than I expected, slayer," he said. "Although I had hoped I would get to do some damage to your mum, too."

"I'm the only one who'll be doing any more damage here," Buffy said.

She raised the crossbow and fired, but Spike easily ducked out of the way. He leapt through the air. She fired again, but missed. He landed next to her and knocked the crossbow out of her hands. She immediately went into hand-to-hand mode as he swung at her head with the spike. She ducked and kicked him in the stomach. He backed away briefly and then threw the spike at her. She caught it and threw it back. He staggered backward as it embedded deep in his shoulder. He pulled it out and smiled.

"Too bad for you that's metal," he said.

He tossed it aside and did a flip over Buffy as she attempted to sweep his feet out from under him. She turned and threw punch after punch at him, being blocked every time. He grabbed her left wrist, then her right and head butted her. She staggered backward and took a kick to the jaw. He grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms to her sides. She threw her head back and caught him in the nose, getting him to release his hold. He staggered backward and fell over the back of the sofa, tumbling onto his knees near the fireplace. He grabbed the nearby fire poker and jabbed forward as Buffy jumped over the sofa. She barely side-stepped the poker before he spun and caught her in the side with it. She doubled over and he hit her across the back. She cried out in pain and then struck the back of his knee with her arm.

Spike fell to one knee and she grabbed the poker. She took it from him and stabbed him in the side with it. She twisted, pulled it out and stabbed him again.

"How do you like it, Spike?" she asked angrily, giving him a taste of what he did to Tara. She pulled the poker out of his side and he swept his arm out, knocking her away. He staggered to his feet as she turned toward him. She pulled a stake out of her jacket. She had to finish this now.

"I've killed two slayers," he said. "You're no different than them."

"Wrong. I'm very different than them," she said. She charged and they exchanged a few more punches. She spun with her back to him and pushed her stake behind her, getting him right in the heart. His eyes bulged in shock as he disappeared into dust. She looked down at his dusty remains. "I won."

With perfect timing, the rest of the gang burst into the mansion. They saw Buffy standing by the fireplace first.

"Where's Spike?" Willow asked.

"Right there," Buffy said, pointing to the dust on the floor. Then she looked toward her mother and Tara.

"Joyce," Giles said. He saw Joyce first and knelt to remove her chains.

"I'm fine. Help Tara," Joyce said. The others turned and got their first glimpse of the wounded young woman dangling from her chains. Buffy leapt over the couch and joined Xander as he worked to remove Tara's chains. They got them off her wrists and she fell limply into Xander's arms. Her eyes were closed and Xander felt for a pulse.

"She's alive," he said. Everyone else breathed a very audible sigh of relief. "She's just unconscious."

"Oh my god, what'd he do to her?" Willow asked, shocked by all the blood. She didn't think someone could bleed that much and still live.

"We need to get her to a hospital," Buffy said.

"I've got my van," Oz said. "Plenty of room."

Xander picked Tara up in his arms and they all hurried out of the mansion, the victory over Spike momentarily forgotten until they were certain Tara would be okay.

* * *

White. Everything was white and floating. She had vague memories of pain and then Spike and Buffy. The sounds of their fight echoed quietly in the distance, finally disappearing altogether. After that she simply floated in the white, weightless and unconcerned.

Soon, the white was broken by a face, which soon also revealed a body. Then the white changed and she was standing in a field of wildflowers. She recognized the field. She had played in it when she was younger. She would play hide and seek with her mother. At certain points in the season, the flowers would be so tall that she could simply sit down quietly in a random spot and virtually disappear. She would always give away her position with a little giggle or a moment of impatience when she stood to see where her mother was. And as she remembered her games of hide and seek, the face came into clear focus. It was who she had expected. As far as she knew, she was dead. There was no other person she expected to see.

"My sweet little girl," Olivia said as she took Tara in her arms. The two of them stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity. Tara wished it could be longer.

"I've missed you so much," Tara said. While filled with emotion, her voice was different than it was in the real world. There was no hesitation in her speech, no stutter. Olivia stepped back and held Tara back at arm's length. She smiled.

"I guess I can't call you my sweet little girl anymore," she said. Tara smiled shyly. "You've become quite the woman. Only three years and look at you. Being away from your father and brother did you well."

"Being away from you didn't," she said sadly. Olivia gently caressed her daughter's face.

"That doesn't matter," Olivia said. Tara nodded her head.

"Right, because we're here now."

Olivia shook her head. "No, because I've always been with you, and I always will be."

"What?" Tara asked, confused.

"You're not dead, sweetheart," Olivia explained. "You'll go back. You've got a new family waiting for you. Buffy's waiting for you."

"Buffy," Tara repeated quietly. Something told her Buffy wasn't eagerly awaiting seeing Tara.

"Don't underestimate her," Olivia said, seeing Tara's doubt. "Nothing's decided yet."

"The way she looked at me…"

"You didn't give her a chance to explain," Olivia said. "But now you need to go back. Do you hear me, Tara?"

Her mother's voice was mingled in with that of a man's voice. They echoed together and the field started to fade.

"Mom," she called. The field disappeared back to white and Olivia began to fade as well.

"Tara, can you hear me?" a man's voice said. The white went away and it was replaced with pain and confusion. There were people standing over her.

"Mom," she said again. Her eyes felt heavy and her whole body felt like one giant burning pain. She spoke in a whisper. "Buffy."

"Tara, do you know where you are?" the man asked. Her eyes closed and the medical staff continued to work on her as she fell unconscious.

* * *

In the waiting room, Buffy paced while Joyce, Willow and Anya sat. They had called Dawn to explain to her what had happened, and despite their assurances that Joyce was okay, Dawn had refused to back down until they picked her up. Giles had volunteered for that task. Meanwhile, Oz and Xander had gone in search of coffee.

"God, if I had just said something when she…" Buffy said in frustration, trailing off on her thought. Willow and Anya were confused. They still didn't know what had happened between Buffy and Tara at the Bronze. Joyce grabbed Buffy's hand to stop her pacing.

"What would you have said?" she asked.

Buffy shook her head. She didn't know what she would've said. She couldn't even imagine how what happened in the Bronze could have happened differently. She was shocked, and not just because of the mere fact that Tara had kissed her. She was shocked that, for a moment, she had kissed back. She had felt something she never thought was there. She just wanted to tell Tara that.

"I'm looking for the family of Tara Maclay," a doctor announced. Buffy stepped forward.

"We are…I mean…" she stammered. Technically they weren't family. The doctor approached anyway and looked to Joyce.

"Are you her mother?" he asked.

"Oh, no. Just a friend," Joyce replied.

"She was asking for her mother so I assumed…" he began.

"Her mom died three years ago," Buffy explained. The doctor nodded his head sympathetically. He had encountered plenty of disoriented patients who called out for dead relatives, lovers or friends.

"She also said something else. Buffy," the doctor continued.

"That's me. My name's Buffy."

"Are you her sister?" he asked.

"No, just…a friend. She doesn't have any other family. Her mom was it," Buffy explained. It wasn't entirely the truth, but as far as Tara considered it, it should be the truth. "I think we're the closest to family that she's got. Is she going to be okay?"

"Well, she suffered a great deal of trauma and blood loss," he began. "We had to do a transfusion. It'll be difficult, but overall, she'll make a full recovery."

They were all noticeably relieved. Buffy looked hopefully to the doctor.

"Can we see her?"

"In a little while. We've just moved her to a room and we've got a couple more tests to run," he explained. "I'll have a nurse let you know when you can see her."

The doctor left and Buffy sat down next to Willow. The red-head gave Buffy's shoulders a comforting squeeze. Then she said something none of them had dwelled upon at all.

"Hey, you beat Spike."

* * *

Buffy was extremely nervous when she entered the room. Tara appeared to be sleeping. Her left arm was in a sling and she could see the bandages peeking out from under the collar of the hospital gown. Her jaw was bruised where Spike had punched her, and there were white bandages wrapped around her wrists where the manacles had cut into her flesh. Buffy could imagine the thick bandages on Tara's leg, but they weren't visible under the layers of blankets. Slowly she approached the bed on the right side and rested her hand on Tara's right hand. Tara didn't move.

"I'm so sorry," Buffy said quietly, staring down at her hand holding Tara's limp one. "One week in my world and you've already been bitten by a vampire and nearly tortured to death. I'm not exactly the best girl you could be with."

Buffy looked up at Tara's face when she saw Tara's fingers start to move and bend around her hand. A brief scowl creased the young woman's brow before she opened her eyes slowly and stared at Buffy. She appeared to be having a hard time focusing her vision. Finally it cleared and she looked away from Buffy, closing her eyes.

"Tara, hey," Buffy said, happy to see her friend awake. Her happiness was soon drowned when Tara looked away from her. "Okay, I guess I'm not exactly the person you wanna see right now. I had to talk to you. I had to make sure you were okay. At the Bronze—"

"I disgust you," Tara said quietly, still not looking at Buffy.

"No, Tara, you don't," Buffy said. She squeezed Tara's hand reassuringly. "Hey, look at me."

Tara opened her eyes and obliged Buffy's request. Her blue eyes were filled with pain and disappointment.

"I don't know what kind of face I had on after you kissed me, but I'm guessing it didn't increase your confidence in your kissing skills," Buffy said. "What you saw was just surprise. I wasn't disgusted at all. I promise."

"It doesn't matter," Tara said. "You c-could never love me. Spike told me about Angel."

"Spike? You're taking the word of a 150-year-old homicidal maniac who tortured you within an inch of your life?" Buffy asked. Tara realized how silly it sounded now, but she saw the look on Joyce's face when Spike mentioned Angel. And she remembered what Xander had said to her. There was some truth to it. "I did love Angel…a lot. But even without the curse, he and I would've still gone our separate ways. There's no way it ever would've worked. He's in my past."

"Do you still love him?" Tara asked. Buffy sighed and looked away. That was all the answer Tara needed. She pulled her right hand away from Buffy's and looked in the opposite direction.

"I do. I love him in the way that someone always loves their first love. There will always be a part of me that loves him," Buffy said. "It doesn't mean I can't love someone else."

Tara didn't respond. Buffy still wasn't sure of everything herself, but she knew she had to find out one thing. She had to find out if she really did feel something when Tara had kissed her. She had to know. She reached over and gently placed her hand on the left side of Tara's face, turning her head to face her. Tara watched in confusion as Buffy leaned forward and then their lips met, softly at first. Tara was tense for a moment, but then she just let it happen. And Buffy knew.


	9. First Time For Everything

Tara's recovery was a tough one. She spent a week in the hospital. By the time she was out, the new school semester was about to start. She could barely walk with the assistance of a cane and she couldn't use her left arm. She had to go through physical therapy in order to get back to normal.

Through it all, Buffy was stumbling along with her, both of them trying to figure out what their relationship was turning into while Tara recovered from her injuries. This was all entirely new to Buffy. She didn't know what she was doing. She assumed Tara did, but she seemed just as nervous about it all as Buffy. Part of that nervousness surely came from Tara's fear of being rejected, but what Buffy didn't know was that it also stemmed from the torture session with Spike. It was the second time in her life that Tara had been brutally injured to the state of near death. If that was what she could expect simply by knowing Buffy, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stick around. She just couldn't bring herself to vocalize this fear to Buffy.

Tara wasn't alone in having fears. Aside from her inexperience in dating women, Buffy had not had much success in relationships. With Angel, the relationship had been a torrid love. It was all about the pain of loving a love that really had no hope. Every good moment was immediately followed by a bad one. The coy cat and mouse of their first encounters, followed by the revelation that he was a vampire and the encounter with Darla. Knowing that he was only interested in her and no one else, followed by the prophecy of Buffy's death to the Master. Finally, their one night of passion, Angel's moment of true happiness, and then came the worst of all—Angelus. Torment and torture. Sending Angel to hell. That relationship was the most passionate and painful love she had ever experienced, but somewhere inside, Buffy was still missing something.

Then came her ill-fated encounter with the mistake known as Parker. She had been reaching out, flailing about wildly to grab onto something or someone to cure the loneliness, to fill an emptiness Parker could never come close to filling. Since then Buffy had avoided relationships. She had concentrated on friends, school and slaying. It helped a little. Keeping her mind off having someone dulled the lonely ache. But still, there was that space. The dark empty that seemingly would never fill. Buffy didn't know if Tara could fill that space. She feared that she wouldn't.

* * *

After her sociology class, Tara found herself having issues getting her books in her bag. Her left arm was still in a sling, and it was very difficult to carry a bookbag on her right shoulder while using a cane with her right hand. She made her way out of the lecture hall, only to have her book bag slip off her shoulder, strike her right leg and nearly cause her to scream from the pain it caused. She slowly bent over to retrieve her bag when another hand grabbed it from her. She looked up to see Oz there.

"I'd hate to give anybody the wrong idea with the manly chivalry," he commented. "But want me to carry that for you?"

Tara smiled gratefully and nodded her head. Oz slung her bag over his shoulder and joined her in her slow walk to her next class.

"Thanks. Buffy's been helping me, but she has other classes in different buildings today," Tara explained. "I've been, you know, late every day since the semester started. I'd hate for her to be late for classes, too."

"Yeah, but she's got the slayer speed," Oz said. His face took on an expression of amazement. "She runs really fast."

"I guess," Tara said with a shrug. They walked in silence for a while until Tara broke it. "So, you've been a S-Scooby for a while now."

"A few years," he responded.

"Have you ever thought, um, about leaving Sunnydale? Like maybe when you became a-a wolf."

"I became a wolf because my cousin bit me," Oz said. "Being in Sunnydale really didn't have much to do with that."

"But you've-you've been in a bunch of dangerous situations because you're here and because you're part of the-the gang," Tara said. "Did you ever think it'd be better…safer, if you left Sunnydale, left Willow?"

"Not really," he said. "Sure, it'd be safer, but I don't know about better. Plus, when you're a werewolf it's handy to have people around who have easy access to chains and weapons."

"You're not scared that being with Willow might, you know, get you killed?"

Oz glanced at her briefly and realized where this was going. "I've been scared before. Pretty much every day when I first found out about the whole slayer thing. But I didn't let it chase me away."

"You don't think you'd be better off outside of Sunnydale?" Tara asked. Oz shook his head confidently.

"No. Safer doesn't always mean better," he said. "I love Willow. If it gets me killed, then at least I'll die happy. In theory."

"In theory?"

"Well, who really dies happy? Old people who die in their sleep. That's about it," he commented. Tara smiled and he continued. "I've never thought about leaving."

"Not once?"

Oz shook his head as they arrived at Tara's next class. He followed her to her seat and waited until she was comfortable before setting her bag in front of her.

"Life without Willow is scarier than all the demons I've seen," he said. He thought for a moment about his past experiences on the Hellmouth. "Although the band candy thing was fairly disturbing."

"Band candy?" Tara asked, wondering what could be so disturbing about that.

"Long story. Buffy can tell you," he replied. He gestured around the classroom. Students were still milling about and the professor had yet to arrive. "Looks like you're not late for this class."

Tara smiled and began to pull her books out of her bag. "Thanks, Oz."

"No problem," he said.

He walked away and Tara thought about what he had said. She had a feeling he was right. At this point she couldn't be sure if her fears were unfounded. But hearing Oz's perspective did help her.

* * *

Buffy sat at the table at the Magic Box, trying to study but only thinking about Tara. She thought about what kind of future she could have with Tara. She didn't want to lose Tara. She loved her friends. She loved her family. But she had never feared for them the way she was fearing for Tara. She had lost Angel, sacrificed him to save the world. She couldn't do that with Tara. She didn't think she could sacrifice Tara to save Sunnydale or a group of teenagers or one lone victim. If it was between Tara and anyone or anything, it would be Tara. She didn't get it, how she fell so hard and so fast.

"It's evil!"

"What? Who? Evil?" Buffy said as Anya's exclamation yanked her out of her thoughts. She looked over to the ex-demon who was reviewing invoices while sitting on a stool behind the counter.

"It's worse than evil. It's just…just bunny rabbits hopping around with little fluffy tails eating carrots and mocking those who have bad eyesight because they're hoarding all the carrots."

"Anya, what in God's name are you talking about?" Giles asked in annoyance, removing his glasses as he interrupted her tirade.

"Look at this invoice for the plumbing repairs," she said as she walked over to Giles. "How can they charge so much money when all they did was stick a stick with a rubber cup on the end into the toilet? I could've done that and you wouldn't have had to pay me nearly as much."

"Live and learn," Giles said in nonchalance as he took the plumbing invoice away. "And I will notify the Council of the evil plumbing demons."

"God no," Anya said, scowling at the mention of the Council. "Don't bring them into this."

"Yes, please don't," Buffy agreed. Giles shook his head and filed the invoice while Anya went to tidy a display that had been knocked over. Buffy stared at Anya for a while and then stood, approaching her. "Hey Anya, can I ask you something?"

"I suppose," she replied as she stood some pillar candles in a pyramid.

"When you…I mean, you're in love…with Xander, right?"

"Of course," Anya answered quickly. It was like it wasn't even a question. It was like asking her if she was alive or an ex-demon or a capitalist running dog. Like breathing.

"And before that you hadn't been in love for a really long time, right?" Anya nodded her head. "So, when did you first realize it? Was it like the hills are alive kind of falling in love? Was it fast? Or was it a slow thing?"

"It snuck up on me. I didn't ask to fall in love with him. I didn't want to fall in love with him," Anya explained. "Then he refused to leave with me when I ran away from the mayor's ascension, and I came back because I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had all these feelings that I didn't want floating around in my head and heart making me feel all sick without him."

"So it was fast."

"No."

"It was slow?"

"It was both," Anya replied. "I had all these feelings and I thought that if I came back and had sex with Xander that would get rid of them. In a thousand years, I've watched woman after woman sleep with a man, things went to hell, I reaped vengeance and the feelings went away."

"Um, Anya, is the point anywhere in there? Because I've got 20/20 vision and I'm not seeing it," Buffy said.

"The point is I fell in love with Xander right away and again months later and I do it over and over and over again," Anya explained, frustration evident in her voice. "That's the point."

"So you've always known?"

"I guess I have," she replied. "Why are you asking me all this anyway? You know more about love than I do."

"Don't be so sure," Buffy said quietly. She smiled and went back to her books at the table. "Thanks Anya."

"You're…welcome," she said, completely confused as she went back to stacking the candles, knowing she would never understand Buffy. The slayer was starting to think the same thing about Anya.

* * *

After a few weeks, Tara was finally up to it, so they agreed to have their first 'official' date. They were both extremely nervous. Buffy realized she hadn't been this nervous about a date in a really long time. She let Tara pick where they went for the date.

"After all," Buffy began. "My birthright has nearly gotten you killed twice in less than a month. You've earned the right to choose."

Buffy regretted saying that when Tara mentioned a Shakespeare review at the local repertory theater.

"Shakespeare," she said hesitantly. "So that's the where for art thou and lend me your ears kind of thing?"

"Yeah," Tara replied. "It's fun."

"Oh, I'm sure it is," Buffy said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"If you don't wanna—"

"No, I do," she replied. She ran her hand down Tara's right arm and grasped her hand. "It'll be great. Expand my horizons and all that good stuff."

In her dorm room before the date, she checked her outfit in the mirror. She was wearing an ankle-length tan skirt and a white peasant top. She turned to Willow anxiously.

"Do I look okay? Is this good for Shakespeare? Is this good for a first date? Should I change? I should change."

She headed for her closet, but Willow stood and grabbed her arm. The red-head smiled sympathetically at Buffy's nervousness.

"Don't change. You look great," she said. "Tara will love your outfit."

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked. Willow nodded her head. Buffy sighed and sat on her bed. "God, this is like Jason Archer all over again."

"Jason Archer?"

"First date ever," she explained. "He was a senior on the football team. I was a freshman. He asked me to the winter formal and I was so unbelievably nervous. I didn't even make it all the way through the date."

"What happened?"

"I threw up in the limo."

"Yikes…and ew," Willow said, cringing at the visual image that engendered in her head.

"Yeah, I was mortified. Luckily he was almost as embarrassed as I was so he didn't spread that all over school," she said. "He just had the limo driver drop me off at home."

"This is different," Willow said reassuringly. "Tara's probably just as nervous as you are. She might be the one to throw up. But hopefully…not."

"I doubt it. She's done this before."

"That's what you're all jittery about," Willow said in realization. "This is your first date with a girl."

"Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I know what girls want in other girls," Buffy said with a pout. "Now I know why guys complain about us all the time."

"Just be yourself. It's not like you have to make a first impression. You already know Tara," Willow said. "You two will have fun, no matter what you're wearing."

"So I should change into a t-shirt and track pants?"

"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed. She yanked Buffy up off the bed and turned her toward the door. Buffy quickly snatched her purse as Willow opened the door and shoved her along. "Go. Have fun. I order you to have fun. Away with thee!"

"I thought the thees and thous wouldn't start till I got to the Shakespeare fest," Buffy said with a smirk.

"See you later. Oh, and take good mental notes. I want a detailed play by play," Willow said. Buffy nodded her head and turned down the hall once Willow had closed the door. She looked down the hall, anxious about her short walk to Tara's room.

When she knocked on the door she heard Tara call through for her to a wait a minute. She glanced nervously down the hall and then looked back quickly when the door opened. Tara smiled in greeting and Buffy took a quick moment to observe Tara's appearance. She was very surprised. Normally she wore very covering and earthy clothes, not to say that her current outfit wasn't somewhat earthy. However, the revealing aspect was getting her attention, and Buffy's eyes caught at chest-level for just a moment.

Tara's dress was very appropriate for their date. The olive green bodice accentuated her breasts, which was a rare sight indeed. Buffy had never seen her in something so revealing. Once her eyes disengaged from Tara's breasts she surveyed the rest of the outfit. The sleeves were off-white and gauzy, tight from shoulder to elbow and then breaking off into flowing ruffles. The skirt was the same off-white material that flowed down to her ankles.

"Wow. You really take the whole renaissance thing seriously," Buffy commented. She internally scolded herself when her eyes caught at chest-level again before reaching Tara's face.

"Yeah, I don't wear this often," she confessed as she stepped backward, leaning on the antique cane that Buffy's mom had loaned her until she could walk without it. They had all agreed that the metal, hospital-issued cane was a little too geriatric for her to be sporting around campus. Buffy entered the room and Tara swung the door shut. Then she sat on the bed to get her shoes on.

"You look great," Buffy said honestly and emphatically, noticing that Tara seemed very worried about wearing something so revealing.

"You do, too," Tara responded quickly. "You look great, too."

"Great," Buffy said with a smile. Tara nodded her head and then returned her gaze to her shoes. Buffy sighed and decided to be completely forthright. After all, it seemed to work for Anya...sometimes. "Okay, so I'm trying to figure out why I'm so incredibly nervous right now. Think you could help with that?"

Tara looked up and smiled. She completely understood what Buffy was talking about. Tara had dated women before, but for some reason she never could avoid the first date jitters.

"I mean, you'd think we've known each other long enough," Buffy said. "Somehow the past few months doesn't seem to stop the nerves. So what does?"

"Shakespeare," Tara said with mock confidence. Buffy smiled and raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe for you."

"It will for you, too," she responded. She stood and took Buffy's right hand with her left. "You won't be disappointed."

Buffy walked with Tara out the door, starting to feel more comfortable already. "I'm holding you to that."

* * *

After the review, Tara and Buffy left the theater together, Buffy's right arm linked with Tara's left. Her therapy on her left shoulder had made great progress and she was glad for that, happily discarding the sling. With her right hand occupied with using the cane, had her left arm still been in a sling, Tara wouldn't have been able to have as much physical contact with Buffy as she would like. She hated being restricted by the sling and her injured leg.

"So, does anybody ever live in Shakespeare's plays?" Buffy asked. Tara chuckled.

"I told you, tonight was a review of the tragedies," she explained. "In Shakespeare's world, death equals tragic."

"Obviously. Of course, that equation works in the real world, too," Buffy commented. "Where to next?"

"We could, um, get some coffee, I guess," Tara suggested.

"Works for me. Espresso Pump is just down the street."

They walked and discussed the performances. Buffy conceded that she did enjoy Shakespeare, regardless of the massive amounts of death. As they neared an alley, Buffy paused and stopped Tara.

"Did you hear something?" she asked. Her slayer senses were suddenly on overdrive. Tara looked around and shook her head. Buffy could hear the sounds of a struggle. Then there was a scream that both of them heard. Buffy turned to Tara as she started to head down the alley. "Wait here."

"Buffy, wait…" Tara protested, but the slayer was already well down the alleyway. She looked around nervously and moved closer to the nearby streetlight, hoping it would protect her somewhat. She saw Buffy nearing the struggle down the alley. She could see five men attacking a woman. Tara was fairly certain the men were vampires.

"Is this a private party or can anybody join in?" Buffy asked. The vampires all looked over, growling at her.

"You're out of your league, girl," the largest of the vampires said.

"I'm actually in a whole league of my own. It's called the slayer league," she commented. That got their attention. "I'd ask you guys to join, but it's not a team sport."

The vampires abandoned their original prey and advanced on Buffy. She jumped and caught two of the vamps in the jaw with a split kick. The girl the vamps had been attacking took off running down the alley, but one of the vamps followed her and caught her, throwing her onto the ground near a dumpster. Buffy was distracted by the four remaining vampires that she was fighting.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked as he leaned over the terrified girl. She was sobbing and couldn't force herself to move. The vampire leaned down to sink his teeth in when his face took on expression of shock. The girl watched him turn to dust and scatter around her. She saw Tara standing over her, holding a cane in both hands like a weapon. She appeared just as shocked as the girl about what had just happened. Tara hopped slightly and then supported herself on the cane.

"R-run," she said to the girl. "Go!"

She didn't have to tell her again. The girl stumbled to her feet and sprinted out of the alley. Tara turned to see Buffy fighting the remaining vampires still. Two of them grabbed Buffy's arms while the other two advanced from the front. Buffy jumped, kicking the two vampires in front of her and back-flipping out of the other two vampires' grasp.

"Need a stake," she said. She ducked and dove past the vampires as they tried to grab her. Tara realized that Buffy needed a weapon. She looked to the cane that had served her quite well just a moment ago.

"Buffy!" The slayer turned and Tara tossed the cane to her. Buffy used it like a baseball bat, catching all four vampires off guard and knocking them to the ground. Then she quickly staked them one by one. When she turned back to Tara she saw her supporting her weight against the dumpster. She looked down at the cane and saw that it was partially broken.

"Thanks for the assist," Buffy said. She held the cane up and gave a sheepish smile. "Cane's kind of trashed. Mom's not gonna be happy about this."

"I'm sure she'll understand," Tara said with a grin.

"Yeah, the benefit of being the slayer is that it's kind of a permanent get out of jail free card with her," she replied as she wrapped her arm around Tara's waist and allowed her to lean on her as they walked. Buffy noticed that Tara was limping even more than when she had been using the cane. It appeared that her leg was really bothering her. "So, what do you say we skip the coffee and head back to the dorm?"

"That sounds like a really good idea," Tara agreed. They slowly made their way back toward campus and Buffy hated that their date had been cut short by her slayer duties.

* * *

Once they arrived back at the dorm Buffy helped Tara sit on her bed. Tara cringed as she tried to make herself somewhat comfortable.

"How's the leg? Still hurting?"

"Only when I'm conscious," Tara said with a chuckle.

"I'm sorry things got cut short," Buffy apologized, heading for the door. "I should probably let you get some rest."

"No, don't go," Tara said, cringing at how desperate she sounded when she spoke. Buffy turned back. "I-I mean, you don't have to go. I'm not really tired. Just, um, sore. You can, you know, stay…if-if you want to."

"You sure?" Buffy asked. She hadn't wanted to leave. She just figured Tara would want to get some sleep. Tara nodded her head.

"We could watch a movie or-or something," she suggested.

"As long as it's not Shakespeare," Buffy said. Tara smiled, realizing that Buffy was just teasing about her disdain for Shakespeare. "I've had enough death and lyrical prose for one night."

"No Shakespeare. Sure," Tara agreed. She looked down at her outfit. "I guess I should change first, though."

"Yeah, me too," Buffy said, figuring Tara wasn't quite ready to change in front of her anyway. She wasn't sure if she was ready for that. "I'll go change and I'll be right back."

Buffy went down to her room and was greeted by a very surprised expression from Willow. It was only nine o'clock.

"You're back already? The date was that bad? Tell me it wasn't that bad," she said frantically, fearing the worst. "What'd you do? You didn't throw up, did you?"

"No. There's been no vomit of any kind…yet," Buffy replied with a laugh. "The date's not over. We were gonna go get coffee after the Shakespeare. But there was impromptu slayage and Tara wanted to come back to the dorm."

"And you're here. How is the date not over?" Willow asked in confusion. Buffy moved over to her dresser to retrieve more comfortable clothing.

"We're gonna watch a movie in her room. Just changing into more comfortable clothes," she replied, holding up black track pants and a white tank top. Willow was noticeably relieved as Buffy started changing. She switched moods completely, an expectant smile spreading over her face.

"So, how's it going so far? Minus the slayage, of course."

"Even with the vampires, it's been great," Buffy replied. "Tara even dusted a vamp all by herself."

"Really?" Willow asked. Tara had only known about vampires for a little over a month and she had already slain a vampire. It had taken much longer before Willow got into that category of Scooby.

"Yeah, she caught him off guard and staked him from behind with that cane my mom loaned her, which, by the way, is not so useful anymore," Buffy commented. "But before that, it felt great. I really enjoyed the Shakespeare stuff and it was so comfortable, so familiar. Oh and her outfit was like…wow."

"Wow how?" Willow asked.

"Well, she was wearing this renaissance kind of dress with the corset type thing," Buffy said. She unconsciously held her hands palms up in front of her chest to suggest that Tara's outfit accentuated that particular area of her body. Willow chuckled and Buffy blushed, realizing what she was doing. "But anyway, she looked amazing. You would've been surprised."

"Sounds like it," Willow said. Buffy had finished changing and Willow motioned toward the door. "Well, you better get back. And remember. Details."

When Buffy got back to Tara's room, she was greeted simply by Tara's response for her to come in. She opened the door to find Tara had changed into brown velvet pants and a pink t-shirt that said 'Fabulous' across the chest with a picture of Betty Boop underneath. She was sitting back against the headboard of her bed with her right leg propped up on a pillow, and she had set up the movie.

"Back to my normal self," she said, referring to her clothing. "Nothing spectacular about this outfit."

"Well, there is the person wearing it," Buffy said with a coy smile. "Pretty spectacular there."

Tara blushed and shifted slightly to allow more room on the bed for Buffy. "Is The Breakfast Club okay? I don't have a whole lot of movies."

"Sounds good to me," Buffy replied. She sat on the bed next to Tara as she hit play on the remote. Buffy gestured to Tara's leg. "How's your leg?"

"I wish you'd stop asking me that," Tara said with an exasperated chuckle. Buffy looked confused. "It wasn't your fault I got hurt."

"I've been obvious with the guilt, huh?"

"Just a little," Tara replied with a smile. "I'm fine. I took some of the nice painkillers that the doctor prescribed. Pretty soon I'll be like, 'What leg?'"

"Okay, I'll stop asking," Buffy said. "Well, I'll still ask. Just not as much."

Tara chuckled as the movie began and they settled in. Buffy noticed Tara leaning slightly closer to her and smiled.

"You a Ringwald fan?" she asked. Tara shook her head.

"You probably won't be surprised by this, but I identified with Ally Sheedy's character most," Tara explained. Buffy nodded her head.

"Unfortunately, not surprised," Buffy said. Then she scowled and turned to look at Tara. "You aren't a klepto or a compulsive liar. I hope."

"No, I'm not," Tara said. Then she shot Buffy a mischievous grin. "Of course, I could be lying about that."

"Ooh!" Buffy exclaimed. "If you weren't injured you'd be getting a pillow upside the head right now."

"Is that an official slayer weapon?" Tara asked. "Slain by pillow?"

"You never know. Maybe I'll run into a demon allergic to down feathers," Buffy said. She laid back again, folding her right arm behind her head for support. "Now, shh! I'm trying to watch the movie."

"You started it!" Tara exclaimed defensively. She watched as a smile spread across Buffy's face, but the slayer remained silent. She shook her head and laid on her side next to Buffy, smiling contentedly. Timidly she moved her right arm until it was resting around Buffy's waist. The slayer looked down at Tara's arm briefly, slightly nervous. Then she smiled, looked back up to the movie and ran her left hand along Tara's forearm, allowing it to rest gently on top of it.

They watched the movie mostly in comfortable silence that was only broken by an occasional sarcastic comment regarding what was currently happening on screen. As it neared the ending, Buffy commented on the outcome of the movie.

"Now, how is that fair? The nerd gets stuck writing their essay _and_ he doesn't get a girl. So much for them breaking the stereotypes," she said.

When Tara was silent she turned to see why. She was lying on her left side with her left arm tucked beneath her head while her right arm was still resting across Buffy's waist. Her eyes were closed and her even breathing signaled that she was asleep. She assumed that the painkillers Tara had taken for her leg had knocked her out. Buffy smiled, used the remote to shut off the television and shifted until she was lying on her right side, nearly mirroring Tara's position. She didn't want to wake Tara up and she knew she wouldn't feel right about leaving without telling Tara that she was going. Even if leaving without telling Tara didn't bother her, Buffy didn't want to leave. She held Tara's right hand with her left and simply watched her until succumbing to sleep herself.


	10. Feel No Shame For What You Are

_MUSIC CREDIT: Chapter title is from Jeff Buckley's "New Year's Prayer" and the song at the end of this chapter is "Anywhere" by Evanescence._

* * *

Sunlight streamed in across Buffy's face and she scowled, annoyed by the unwanted natural alarm clock. She opened her eyes and squinted, confused by her surroundings. It took her a moment to remember that she was in Tara's room. She was alone in Tara's room. She stood and looked around at some of Tara's things, really surveying the room. Tara had several pictures taped to the shelf above her desk. Most of them were fairly recent ones of her with the Scoobies. Others were of Tara and her mother. There were none of her father or brother, not surprising Buffy in the least. She stopped at a framed picture of Tara and her mother that rested atop the shelf. It looked like it had probably been taken not long before her mother became sick because Tara didn't look much younger than she was now. Buffy loved how genuinely happy Tara looked in the picture. She figured that was probably a fairly rare thing for her when she was still with her family.  
  
Buffy was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. The clock showed that it was seven in the morning. She wondered who would be visiting Tara this early on a Saturday. After a second, more urgent knock, Buffy opened the door and was greeted by a man who appeared to be in his late forties. She didn't recognize him, and he was apparently confused by her presence in Tara's room.  
  
"Is this Tara Maclay's room?" he asked, his tone very aggressive and demanding. His confused scowl also held a hint of anger and frustration that was clearly noticeable to Buffy. She didn't know who this guy was, but she didn't like him already.  
  
"Yeah, but she's not in right now," Buffy replied, trying to keep her cool. "If you want, I can tell her you stopped by. What's your name?"  
  
"Oh, you must be the new slut," he said, his voice dripping with abhorrence. Buffy's eyes widened briefly before anger surfaced on her face.  
  
"I prefer to go by Buffy," she replied. "And I take that back. I'm not going to tell Tara you stopped by."  
  
"That's right. You're not," he said, stepping forward as if to enter the room. Buffy extended her arm and gripped the door jamb, glaring up at him as she blocked his path. "I'm not going anywhere until she comes back."  
  
"Like hell," Buffy said. "Who the hell do you think you are anyway?"  
  
"I'm her father, you disgusting little tramp," he said. He never could've known what a mistake that was.  
  
"You son of a bitch," Buffy growled. She threw the door back, grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him across the hall. She pushed him so hard that he was momentarily lifted off his feet until he came crashing into the wall, cracking the drywall behind him. Her voice was filled with fury as she spoke. "How dare you come here and think you have any right to even look at her."  
  
The noise woke some students, who stepped out into the hall to see what was going on. Willow stepped out of the room she shared with Buffy and her eyes widened in shock.  
  
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now," Buffy growled at him. Mr. Maclay was too shocked to speak. He wasn't entirely afraid, but the strength of this girl who appeared so tiny to him was overwhelming.  
  
"Buffy!" Willow shouted as she hurried down the hall. "What are you doing?"  
  
Before Buffy could answer, Tara emerged from the bathroom and was horrified by the scene she saw unfolding across from her room. She limped toward Buffy, using the metal cane more as a way to push through the crowd rather than for support.  
  
"Buffy, stop!" she called. She finally got to Buffy, who looked over to Tara, not releasing her grip on Mr. Maclay. "Let him go."  
  
"After what he did to you, somebody's gotta give this bastard a taste of his own medicine," Buffy said.  
  
"No, Buffy. He's not worth it," she said, her tone calm even though she was terrified on the inside. "Otherwise, I w-would've done something to him a long time ago."  
  
"What?" Buffy asked, confused. She never thought Tara would've ever considered hurting her father. It didn't seem like something that was part of Tara's personality.  
  
"Remember what you told me at Christmas? I-I'm not the same girl he knew," Tara said, not answering Buffy's confused gaze. Finally, Buffy obliged and shoved Mr. Maclay down the hall onto his back. Several of the by-standing students had to jump back to avoid ending up in a heap with the man. He quickly stood and brushed himself off, trying to regain some sense of what he considered dignity.  
  
"Smartest thing you've ever done, girl," he said, glaring at Tara. "Heaven forbid you show any respect to your father."  
  
"You...aren't my father," Tara said, setting her jaw and hitting him with an intense gaze. She was determined not to break down and concentrating even harder on controlling her stuttering. She couldn't let him win. This was the moment she had feared for two years. She had to do this right. "You have to earn that title. You-you were never my father. Now get out of here b-before I change my mind and let Buffy kick your ass."  
  
"This isn't over, young lady," he said. "I've been looking for you for almost two years. Did you think I'd just give up?"  
  
"It is over," Tara said. "You're just-just a pathetic old man. You can't control me."  
  
"Besides, if you come back here, I don't care what Tara says. You'll get to know my fist really well," Buffy added.  
  
"And Buffy's not the only one you have to deal with," Willow said. She folded her arms across her chest defiantly, doing her best to look intimidating in her pink and brown cow-print pajamas. "You don't wanna see what I can do."  
  
Mr. Maclay was fuming. He had lost. This hadn't gone as he had planned at all. He shot one last angry look at Tara before turning and pushing his way through the crowd of students that had gathered to witness the spectacle. As he rounded the corner, Buffy and Willow noticed Tara's resolve quickly fading. They both directed worried glances at the crowd before guiding Tara into her room.  
  
Once Willow closed the door, Tara deflated and sank to the bed, closing her eyes and allowing Buffy to wrap her arms around her. Buffy held Tara close, trying to calm her. She could feel her trembling and taking deep breaths, obviously trying to regain her composure.  
  
"It's okay," Buffy said as she stroked Tara's hair. "He's gone. You were great. You got rid of him."  
  
"I c-couldn't let him win," Tara said finally. She exhaled one last deep breath before sitting back away from Buffy. Willow sat on the desk chair across from the two of them. "I had to sh-show him he doesn't scare me anymore. Even if that's not, you know, true."  
  
"It is true. You stood up to him," Willow said reassuringly. "I think that proves that he doesn't scare you. At least, he doesn't scare you enough."  
  
"What you said about how you would've done something to him…" Buffy began, not sure how to ask Tara about that. Tara sighed, remembering all too well the times when she had thought about revenge against her father and Donnie.  
  
"Oh, there are spells," she said. "So many spells. There were, um, times when I considered using them. God, especially after what D-Donnie and his friends did to me."  
  
"I'm surprised Anya never came to you," Willow said in amazement. "Your situation was totally her turf."  
  
"Actually, I think Anya lost her powers before Donnie…you know," Buffy said. She turned back to Tara. "But you couldn't do it. You couldn't use the spells on them."  
  
"I wanted to so much," Tara explained. "But I remembered all the things my mom had taught me. About witchcraft. About the wiccan rede."  
  
Willow nodded in understanding and explained for Buffy. "An' it harm none, do what ye will."  
  
"I couldn't disappoint my mom like that. I couldn't be-betray everything she taught me."  
  
"If she could see you now, she would be very proud of you," Buffy said. She brushed Tara's hair away from her face. "I'm proud of you."  
  
Tara smiled and nodded her head, speaking softly. "I'm proud of me, too."  
  
"Well, everything seems okay here," Willow said abruptly as she stood. "I'll just go back to our room and, you know, get dressed and stuff. I've got a busy day and all. Gotta get cracking. Early bird catches the worm."  
  
"Will, it's Saturday," Buffy said with a smirk. Tara was smiling as well, both of them amused by Willow's less than subtle exit.  
  
"Oh, is it?" she asked, feigning ignorance. "Well, then I'm gonna go back to bed. Because Saturday is for sleeping in and what kind of college student would I be if I didn't live up to the stereotype and sleep to noon on Saturday?"  
  
"You'd be a slacker at being a slacker," Buffy remarked.  
  
"Can't have that," Willow said as she opened the door. "Bye."  
  
She made her exit, leaving Buffy and Tara alone. They sat in silence for a moment. Buffy simply stared at the interlaced fingers of their joined hands and smiled.  
  
"I was, um, surprised you were still here," Tara said. "You know, I figured you'd go back to your room."  
  
"Ah, but leaving without saying goodbye just isn't my style," Buffy said resolutely. Then she smiled warmly. "You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you."  
  
"I'm glad you stayed."  
  
"I am, too," Buffy said sincerely. "Plus, the thing with your dad. I would've hated for you to be alone for that."  
  
"You really made with the protective and defender-y stuff," Tara commented.  
  
"That's me," Buffy said. "Protective and defender-y is my specialty."  
  
"I couldn't have…" Tara closed her eyes and swallowed back the emotions that were threatening to rise back up. "If you hadn't been here, I don't think I could have done that."  
  
They made eye contact and just stared into each other for a long while. Tara's eyes spoke volumes to Buffy. Every emotion, every memory, every thought. Buffy could see a fire in those eyes that nobody else had ever seen. She was so much more than the shy young woman that occasionally stuttered when nervous or frightened. Buffy saw that in Tara as she leaned forward and their lips met. They had kissed twice before, but each time, one of them hadn't been prepared for it. During Tara's recovery period up until this first date, Buffy had been too anxious to try it again. Tara was too afraid of rejection still.  
  
This time, they both knew it was going to happen. They were both ready for it, as if they had known about it for days. And perhaps they did. On some level, they had both felt it coming.

* * *

A week later Tara sat at the Bronze, the music vibrating through her as she sat and watched Buffy and the others on the dance floor. They were having a group night out in celebration of Tara's first cane-free day. It occurred to Buffy after their arrival at the Bronze that dancing was probably not the best way to celebrate the success of someone who wasn't completely mobile with her legs just yet. But Tara simply kissed her lightly and promised that it was fine. Being out with friends was all that mattered to her. If she had to sit and watch them dance, she would sit and watch them dance.  
  
"Hey, Tara, you doing okay over here? One is the loneliest number," Xander said as the song ended and the group joined her at the couches that they had all claimed. He and Anya plopped down next to each other and retrieved their drinks from the table. Oz and Willow sat together on the other sofa. "Or so I hear."  
  
"I'm fine," she said with a smile. She looked up when Buffy grabbed her hand and tugged on it to get her to stand.  
  
"Come on. You've been lounging around here long enough," the slayer said, pulling Tara to her feet.  
  
"Buffy, I can't dance yet," she protested. But she heard the song as Buffy shook her head.  
  
"Slow song. You can do a slow a song. Minimal movement required."  
  
"I don't know, Buffy," Tara said, reluctantly moving along with Buffy out to the dance floor.  
  
Now her apprehension was less about her leg and more about the fact that she hadn't ever slow danced in public. Buffy didn't seem worried about it at all. It was just as if it was the most normal thing she could ever do. Tara was worried, probably because she knew what kind of backlash they could get from being so open. They had walked holding hands. They had stolen kisses here and there. But they had never done something so obvious as dancing together in front of strangers.  
  
Buffy turned to face her and moved her hands to Tara's waist, pulling her close. Tara slowly rested her hands on Buffy's shoulders and then rested her arms on them, linking her hands behind Buffy's neck. All the while she glanced nervously at the others on the dance floor.  
  
_Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me  
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free  
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you  
And at sweet night, you are my own  
  
Take my hand  
We're leaving here tonight  
There's no need to tell anyone  
They'd only hold us down  
So by the morning's light  
We'll be half way to anywhere  
Where love is more than just your name_  
  
"Hey, what's wrong? You're almost as tense as Giles gets when he runs out of tea...or scotch," Buffy said with a smirk.  
  
Tara chuckled lightly, but didn't seem to relax much. She noticed another couple—a guy and a girl—who were watching the two women together. The guy looked very interested and the girl looked uneasy. Then the girl saw how interested her partner was and shoved him back. She shot an angry look at him before walking off the dance floor. The embarrassed guy chased after her, realizing he had made a big mistake.  
  
"People are watching us," she said. There was another couple on the dance floor looking at them. There were a few people at tables elsewhere that were watching as well. "And they don't look happy for us."  
  
_I have dreamt of a place for you and I  
No one knows who we are there  
All I want is to give my life only to you  
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore  
Let's run away, I'll take you there  
  
We're leaving here tonight  
There's no need to tell anyone  
They'd only hold us down  
So by the morning's light  
We'll be half way to anywhere  
Where no one needs a reason_  
  
Buffy looked around and shook her head. Then she looked Tara in the eyes.  
  
"Let them watch. We're not doing anything wrong."  
  
"I know we're not doing anything wrong," Tara said with a sigh. "But people still...they might, you know, disagree...violently."  
  
"Then they'll have to disagree with me," Buffy said resolutely. Tara didn't look comforted by that. "Hey, I made you a promise. Before I even knew what a fantastic kisser you are."  
  
That got a broad smile from Tara. She looked over toward the couches and saw four faces that weren't disgusted or curious or shocked. They were happy. They were watching Buffy and Tara dance, and they were happy for them. That's all Tara needed to see before she looked Buffy in the eyes again.  
  
_Forget this life  
Come with me  
Don't look back, you're safe now  
Unlock your heart  
Drop your guard  
No one's left to stop you  
Forget this life  
Come with me  
Don't look back, you're safe now  
Unlock your heart  
Drop your guard  
No one's left to stop you now_  
  
"I promised I would never let anyone hurt you like that again. Ever," Buffy continued. "So let 'em watch. If voyeurism is their thing, we can give 'em a show."  
  
Tara smiled as Buffy pulled her closer, their hips touching as they swayed with the music.  
  
"I think dancing is enough," she said.  
  
Buffy smiled in triumph as she watched Tara's tension visibily disappear. For the rest of the song, their eyes remained locked. As far as they were concerned, they were the only ones on the dance floor. Nobody else mattered.  
  
_We're leaving here tonight  
There's no need to tell anyone  
They'd only hold us down  
So by the morning's light  
We'll be half way to anywhere  
Where love is more than just your name_


	11. Unintended Secrets

**Part 11: Unintended Secrets**

Tara walked into the Magic Box to meet Buffy and found the slayer wasn't there yet. Anya was helping a customer choose the appropriate conjuring powder while Giles completed ringing up a sale.

"Thank you for shopping the Magic Box," he said, glancing up when Tara approached. The customer left and Tara sat on the stool by the counter.

"Hi, Mr. Giles," she said with a smile.

"Tara, hello," he replied. "You're meeting Buffy here?"

"Yeah," she answered. She looked at her watch. "I'm early."

"Yes, well Buffy will very likely be late," he commented dryly. Tara nodded her head in agreement.

"Yeah, I'm starting to get used to that."

Giles smiled and then moved to his desk to start reviewing some invoices. Tara noticed an air of discomfort surrounding him. It appeared he was perpetually uncomfortable around her. It had been that way since she and Buffy had started dating. She tried to shrug it off as she pulled out a book to read, but she saw out of the corner of her eye as he kept glancing over at her.

"Mr. Giles, is something wrong?" she asked, setting her book down on the counter and turning to face him. He looked up and seemed flustered for a moment before he stood and approached her, a serious expression filling his eyes. "Are you uncomfortable that Buffy and I are dating? Because—"

"No, it's not that," he said, grinning slightly. "I know the accent is deceiving, but I'm not that uptight. That's not the issue."

"But there is an issue?" Tara asked, now concerned. She respected Giles, and she didn't want to have an issue with him. He glanced toward the shop door and removed his glasses, leaning on the counter beside her.

"I suppose this is as good a time as any to have this discussion."

"Discussion?" Tara was becoming more and more uneasy by the second.

"I think you've noticed by now that Buffy is very much like a daughter to me," he began. Tara saw where this was going immediately. She simply nodded her head. "I have come to care about her a great deal, and I know her very well. I know from experience that she often follows her heart above all else. It's part of being the slayer to run on instinct. But it's also part of being Buffy, vampire slayer or no."

Tara wasn't sure if she should interrupt just yet. She hadn't expected this at all, but it didn't surprise her. Giles' protective nature was part of what made him Giles.

"You are a very intelligent young woman, and I know you will think things through before jumping into something," he said. "So I suppose I'll just be entirely old-fashioned and ask you what your intentions are."

"My, um, intentions?"

"Yes," he said. He replaced his glasses and waited for an answer.

"Well, I-I, um…I'm not sure what you expect me to say," she said. "I care about Buffy a lot. I w-would never intentionally hurt her."

"I suppose I'm concerned based on your history with her."

"If you knew Buffy before, you-you would understand," she said. "Nobody's more surprised than me h-how different she is. Our history in Los Angeles doesn't matter anymore."

"My point is, Tara, that I've seen Buffy in love, and I've seen that love hurt her in the worst of ways," he said seriously. "I don't wish to see that again. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," she answered, becoming more serious as well. "But have you ever been in love?" Giles looked at her with a raised eyebrow, seeming slightly offended. She stumbled as she continued. "Um, I-I just…I mean, you understand that I can't, you know, know what's going to happen. I don't wanna hurt her. But sometimes what people want doesn't stop the hurt."

"Understandable," he agreed. "I just wanted you to be aware of my concern." He looked up when the bell above the main shop door rang and saw Buffy and Willow enter. He stepped back from the counter. "We're understood?"

"Yes, sir," Tara said with a nod as Buffy came up behind her, wrapped her arms around her waist and rested her chin on Tara's left shoulder.

"'Yes, sir'?" Buffy asked. "What's that about?"

"Oh, nothing," Tara said with a smile. She turned her head and gave Buffy a quick kiss. "Mr. Giles was just running something by me. Magic stuff. You'd be bored."

"Magic stuff?" Willow asked curiously. Giles nodded his head.

"Yes, just reviewing herb reactions to Styx water," he commented. "Nothing earth shattering."

"Unless you mix it with the wrong herbs," Willow said with a smirk. "'Cause if you do…boom!"

Her eyes widened and she threw her hands up for emphasis. Giles smiled, exchanged a brief look with Tara and then returned to his invoices. Tara had been thrown off guard by that conversation. Giles' concern was admirable. He really was like a father to Buffy. Tara tried to imagine what his life might have been like had he not become a watcher. She had a feeling he often tried to imagine the same thing.

"So, you ready for the big night?" Buffy asked.

"Big night?" Willow repeated, not knowing what Buffy would be talking about.

"Dinner with my mom."

"But Tara's had dinner with your mom before," Willow said, confused.

"This is different," Tara said.

"Just us and my mom. No Dawn or anyone else," Buffy explained. "It's 'the' dinner."

"Oh, the 'meet the parents even though you've met the parents' dinner," Willow said in understanding. "I did that with Oz's parents. We ended up ordering pizza and watching Dazed and Confused."

"Somehow I don't think we'll be that casual. Dazed and Confused isn't in the Joyce Summers repertoire," Buffy said with a smile, amused by the image of Willow, Oz and Oz's parents watching that particular movie together. "Mom's been all supportive, but I think she's still a little weirded out."

"It takes getting used to," Tara said as Buffy stepped to stand beside her. "Your mom's been great."

"Yeah, I guess she has, but this is new territory," Buffy said. "Not just in the obvious way, either. I haven't done the bring a date home to mom thing since we moved here."

"Not even Angel?" Tara asked, her curious tone twinged with a hint of apprehension. She saw Buffy and Willow exchanged a surprised look. "I mean, that was pretty serious…your relationship with him."

"Angel was…different," Buffy said nervously. "He was kind of a bad boy type. Not a guy to bring home to mom." She sighed and smiled, needing desperately to change the subject. "So, we should go."

Tara didn't understand why Buffy had suddenly become so nervous about Angel, but she decided to ignore it for the time being.

"Yeah, but let me use the restroom first," she said as she stood. As she walked away, Willow turned to Buffy, wide-eyed.

"Have you told her Angel's a vampire yet?" she asked. "Because it seems like she doesn't know."

"I thought she did. I thought Spike told her. 'Cause, I mean, I know Spike mentioned him, and the curse. _I've_ mentioned the curse, too. I just don't think anybody has actually said the word vampire," Buffy said. "It hasn't come up. She doesn't like talking about Angel, and I thought that was why. It's just bad. Very bad. Lots of badness."

"You've gotta tell her."

"How? I can't just say, 'Hey, Tara, I'm a necrophiliac.' Not a real big turn-on for most people."

"She's gonna find out!" Willow exclaimed. But their conversation ended abruptly when Tara returned.

"Okay. All set," she said. She led Buffy out of the shop. The slayer shot one last look of desperation at Willow, who mouthed the words, 'Tell her.' Buffy wanted to, but the question of 'how' would not answer itself for her.

* * *

The two women entered the Summers household to be greeted by the smell of home-cooked lasagna. They hung their coats up and then Buffy called to her mother as she headed for the kitchen, which was where she expected to find her.

"Mom, we're here," she called. They stepped into the kitchen, and sure enough, Joyce was there working on putting a salad together.

"Oh, hello, girls," she said, glancing at the clock. "Right on time."

"Yeah, Tara's always early and I'm always late. So between the two of us, we break even," Buffy joked.

"Well, unfortunately, I'm running late," Joyce said. "It'll be a little bit. Dawn's been a terror this afternoon. She's not even gone to Melinda's yet."

"Want me to light a fire under her?" Buffy asked. Tara noticed the mischievous grin on her girlfriend's face and couldn't help but be amused. Buffy was a little too eager to pester her little sister.

"If you could," Joyce said. "I've yelled up those stairs one too many times today."

"With pleasure," Buffy said. She smiled at Tara as she backed out of the kitchen. "Be right back."

Tara sat on one of the stools as Joyce returned to concentrating on the salad.

"Need help with anything?" she offered. Joyce smiled and shook her head.

"No, thank you," Joyce said with a smile. She started slicing a tomato and beginning a conversation with Tara at the same time. "You know, Tara, I'll be honest and say that I'm still adjusting to this new…development in Buffy's life, but I am relieved that she's found you."

"Oh?" Tara asked.

"Yes, I mean, she's probably told you she hasn't even intentionally introduced me to any of her boyfriends…um, dates…not since we moved from Los Angeles."

"Yeah, she mentioned that. She said Angel wasn't the 'meet the parents' type," Tara commented. Joyce laughed and then sighed.

"Angel. Now there's a man to have a future with," Joyce said. "I know they loved each other, but sometimes love just can't overcome some barriers. I mean, what were they going to do when she was 80 and he still looked like a young man? Immortality certainly has some drawbacks."

"What?" Tara asked. "Immortality?"

"And vampires can't exactly have children," Joyce continued. Tara's eyes widened and she stood from her stool.

"V-vampire?!" she exclaimed. Joyce stopped slicing the tomato and looked up, surprised by Tara's outburst. She then realized what she had just done, desperately searching her mind for a way to recover.

"Buffy hasn't told you that yet, has she?"

Just then Buffy entered the kitchen with a triumphant smile.

"Dawn is gone. Hey. That rhymed," she said. Her smile faded when she saw the stunned expression on Tara's face.

"Angel's a vampire?" Tara asked. Buffy's mouth gaped open and she wanted to respond, but the words wouldn't form. Then she shot an angry glance at her mother, who could only offer an apologetic smile. "You dated a vampire? You w-were in l-love with a vampire?"

"Uh…I, uh…yeah," Buffy stumbled. Tara backed away from Buffy and stared at her like she didn't know her. "It's not as bad as it sounds."

"I mean, I-I knew Angel and I had a lot of differences, but I didn't think, you know, having a pulse was one of them," Tara said sarcastically. "And I sure was wrong about why you don't have any pictures of him."

"Okay, I should've told you this a long time ago, but in my defense, I thought Spike mentioned it when he was…" Buffy stopped abruptly before finishing that sentence. Tara scowled at her.

"When he was torturing me?" she asked sharply. Buffy and Joyce both shifted uneasily. "Well, he might have, b-but I couldn't really take notes. Sorry."

She turned and walked toward the foyer. Buffy hurried after her and grabbed her by the arm when she pulled her coat off the coat rack.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm n-not really in the mood for dinner anymore," Tara said as she jerked her arm away.

"You can't go out alone. It's after dark," Buffy said, holding her hand up against the front door to keep Tara from leaving.

"God, Buffy, I'm not just some-some damsel in distress for you to save all the time," Tara said, roughly throwing her coat back on the coat rack. "I'm your girlfriend."

Buffy flinched slightly at the word, but she didn't move her position. Neither of them had actually referred to each other as girlfriends yet, and Buffy didn't like the fact that the first time was during an argument.

"I've shared everything with you. There is nothing important about my life that you don't know," Tara said. "But in order to find out something important about you, I have to almost die or find out from-from someone other than you. Ev-everything's a secret with you. I'm getting tired of it."

Buffy sighed and looked away from Tara, realizing that she was right. She hadn't intentionally revealed anything important about herself to Tara. It had all been forced to be revealed by circumstance. She took Tara's hand and led her into the living room to sit on the sofa.

"You're right. I haven't been real forthcoming with the personal history," she said. "I've been treating you like some helpless little kitten that I have to protect. I'm sorry."

Tara said nothing, simply waiting for Buffy to get back to the topic of Angel. The slayer knew exactly what she was waiting for.

"Angel isn't a typical vampire. He has a soul," she explained. Tara was noticeably surprised. Buffy continued. "It's very Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire. But anyway, a long time ago, he killed a woman in a gypsy clan and the gypsies restored his soul so he would be cursed to live with the guilt from all the people he killed as a vampire. That's the explanation. That's how I could fall in love with a vampire."

"I guess that's a little bit of a relief," Tara said with a slight grin. It was short-lived as she became serious again. "Why did he leave?"

"Aside from the fact that there's no way we could have a normal future?" Buffy asked. "It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it. Nighttime wedding. Adopted children asking why daddy always sleeps during the day. He looks gorgeous as ever when I'm a wrinkled old lady in a nursing home. He outlives me and my children and my grandchildren."

Tara nodded her head in agreement. Just the thought of Angel and Buffy together seemed absurd. Then another thought crossed her mind.

"Xander," she said.

"Is not a vampire," Buffy commented with a smirk. Tara chuckled and shook her head.

"No, he mentioned something…about loss of soul. He-he didn't mean to say it, but…well, he said it."

"That's the curse," Buffy explained. "If Angel experiences one moment of true happiness, he'll lose his soul. Unfortunately, we all know from experience."

"One moment of true happiness," Tara repeated. "What happened?"

"Look, I _promise_ that I will tell you all the gory details of that really long story," Buffy said, not entirely ready to rehash those events from her past. "But it is a _really long_ story. One I'm, again, so sorry I haven't told you about yet."

Puppy dog eyes stared at Tara and the young witch smiled. There was just something about Buffy that made it impossible to stay mad at her. She forced her smile to go away so she could scowl at Buffy.

"Tonight, after we leave here. All the gory details," she said seriously. "Deal?"

"Deal," Buffy agreed, extending her hand. Tara shook her head.

"I don't make deals on handshakes," she said demurely. Buffy knew exactly what that meant and leaned forward, kissing her gently at first and then became lost in the kiss. They forgot where they were.

"Ahem." They broke apart quickly and looked over at Joyce, embarrassed. "Dinner's ready."

"Great!" Buffy said as she stood, pulling Tara up with her.

"Looks like you two worked everything out," Joyce commented as she led them to the dining room.

"Pretty much," Buffy said. She glanced over at Tara who was smiling in embarrassment. "I've just got some storytelling to do."

* * *

Dinner was finished and the three women were enjoying a good laugh as Joyce told stories about Buffy's childhood, much to Buffy's chagrin.

"So I come back outside and there's Buffy with her hands covered in mud and Dawn looks like some kind of swamp monster," Joyce said. "Covered head to toe in mud, courtesy of her big sister."

"Hey, she didn't complain," Buffy said defensively. "People pay lots of money at spas for mud baths."

"Not quite the same thing," Joyce said. She stood and began clearing the dishes off the table.

"Does Dawn remember this?" Tara asked as she and Buffy stood to help Joyce.

"Nah. She was too young," Buffy said. "Of course, there's plenty of other stuff I've done to her since then that she does remember."

"You tormented her," Joyce said.

"It's in the big sister job description," Buffy said. "I'm just doing my job."

"If that's the case, you're doing it very well," Joyce commented. She set the dishes in the sink and then turned to take the dishes from Tara. Before she could take them, however, she scowled and grabbed the edge of the kitchen island, as if she was dizzy or in pain.

"Mom?" Buffy asked, immediately concerned. She and Tara both quickly put their dishes in the sink and moved to either side of Joyce.

"Mrs. Summers are you okay?" Tara asked. She could sense the answer to that question already, but she didn't know specifics.

"That was odd," Joyce gasped. She held one hand to her head. "I was just…dizzy, and…"

Her sentence trailed off as she started to go limp. Buffy and Tara each grabbed an arm and eased her descent as she collapsed to the floor.

"Mom? Mom!" Buffy called, resting her mother's head in her lap. She looked from her mother to Tara desperately. Tara responded by jumping to her feet, grabbing the phone and dialing for an ambulance.


	12. When Everything's Made To Be Broken

Dawn rushed into the emergency room waiting area with Giles trailing not far behind her. Tara and Buffy both stood, not releasing each other's hands at first. Then Buffy stepped forward and hugged Dawn.

"Is mom okay? What happened? Where is she?" Dawn rattled off all in one breath. Buffy stepped back, but kept one arm draped around her sister's shoulders.

"I don't know, I don't know and they're still examining her," Buffy said in response to the three questions, clearly frustrated with the waiting.

"And she just collapsed? There was no indication that she was feeling ill?" Giles asked in concern.

"No," Buffy replied.

"We were just cleaning up after dinner, she-she got dizzy and then she passed out," Tara explained. "She seemed fine all night."

"She's had a bunch of headaches lately," Dawn commented. Buffy shot a shocked look at her that said 'Why didn't I know that?' The younger girl recognized it and explained. "It's not like you're home all the time to know this stuff. You're at school and all out of the loop. I don't think mom thought they were serious anyway."

"Yeah, well looks like they probably were," Buffy said dryly. "I just wish they would tell us something."

Tara took Buffy's hand again and squeezed it, offering her a sympathetic smile. She remembered all too well what it was like waiting for the doctors to explain things. Waiting was the worst part. Not knowing, thinking the worst.

"Well, perhaps, while we're waiting…would anybody like something to drink? Coffee?" Giles offered, obviously not enjoying the uncomfortable silence or the short few minutes he had been playing the waiting game with them. Dawn shook her head.

"Coffee," Buffy and Tara said at the same time, with Tara adding a 'please' on the end. They smiled at each other and the three sat while Giles left to retrieve what was bound to be horrible caffeinated swill. By the time he had returned, there was still no word from the doctor. It was nearly a half hour before a doctor finally emerged. Buffy and Tara set their barely touched coffees to the side and everyone stood.

"Okay, we've run some tests," the doctor said. "We're still waiting for some results, but for now we'll be releasing your mother."

"She's gonna be okay?" Dawn asked.

"Nothing's definite right now, but she's looking good," he said. He turned and led them toward the examination room. "She's back here."

Joyce looked more embarrassed than anything when the group entered the exam room. She had changed back into her street clothes from the hospital gown and she was just getting her shoes on when Dawn and Buffy flanked her, wrapping their arms around her.

"Well, this was a thrilling evening," she said sarcastically. She looked to the doctor pleadingly. "Can I leave now?"

"I've got a couple forms you'll need to sign and then you'll be free to go," he said. "I'll be giving you a prescription for your headaches, and we'll call you when we get the test results back."

He left and Joyce sighed. Buffy looked to her accusingly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having headaches?" she asked, pouting slightly.

"I didn't want to worry you," she answered. "Plus, it didn't seem that serious at the time."

"Told you," Dawn commented, not really trying to be smug but coming off that way regardless.

"You all don't need to wait around like this," Joyce said. "Rupert, thank you for picking up Dawn and bringing her here, but you should go. And I know you girls have classes tomorrow. You should get back to campus."

"Forget classes, mom," Buffy said.

"Your schooling is important, Buffy," Joyce argued.

"Not more important than you," Buffy shot back. "Until the doctors figure out what's going on, I'm taking care of you for a change."

"It's probably nothing," Joyce said. She scowled sternly at Buffy. "And you are not missing any classes."

"Mom—"

"No arguing with me."

"Compromise." They all looked over when Tara spoke up. "After you get out of here, we'll go back to your place, get you in bed, I'll make you some tea and once you're settled, Buffy and I will go back to campus."

"Yeah, but what about tomorrow?" Buffy asked, not backing down. "Dawn has school."

"And you have a full day of classes," Tara said. "I only have one class in late afternoon. I'll stop by and…hang out with your mom for a while."

"Thank you, Tara, but that is really unnecessary."

"Is it?" Tara asked. She gestured to Buffy with a smile. "If you're alone in that house, you know she'll skip classes to be with you."

"She's right," Buffy said. Joyce sighed, knowing she had to concede.

"Fine then," she said, throwing her hands up in defeat. "I agree to Tara's terms."

"Then it's a plan," Buffy said, shooting a grateful look to Tara. That argument would've been a losing battle for Buffy otherwise. She knew that. It was rare that she could truly out-stubborn her mom on something serious. Tara's compromise worked brilliantly. All they needed was for the doctor to return, and then they would do everything they could to make sure Joyce was well-rested and in perfect shape.

* * *

Joyce argued the entire time, but they managed to carry out every task Tara had mentioned, right down to the tea and fluffing of the bed pillows before the two young women finally gave in to Joyce's protests and headed back to campus. They arrived at Tara's dorm room and paused in the door.

"I should probably go fill Will in on what happened," Buffy said. "I think mom's kind of a substitute mom for her. Everybody. Will and Xander's parents aren't that great. They'll wanna know about this."

"Sure," Tara agreed.

Buffy didn't move and Tara could see her reluctance to relay the night's events to anyone else. She could see the fear and helplessness surrounding Buffy in waves. It was something nobody else saw, only visible to Tara. She reached forward and grabbed Buffy's arm, gently pulling her into the room and closing the door. There was only a small lamp on, and in the darkness Buffy looked smaller and weaker than Tara had ever seen. She guided her to the bed and they sat together.

"I've never been so scared in my life," she said quietly, staring down at her hand joined with Tara's. "Mom has never been sick. Never. I don't even remember her getting morning sickness when she was pregnant with Dawn. She's like super immune lady. She never caught the flu or colds or anything from us when we caught them from other kids at school. She's never had surgery done. I've only seen her in the hospital twice before now—when she had Dawn and when she was bitten by a vampire the year we moved to Sunnydale. This is just…unreal."

"I know," Tara said. "My mom was the same way."

"Oh god," Buffy said, terrified at what that statement implied. Tara's mom had been healthy until she died of cancer. Tara's eyes widened and she realized what she had said.

"Oh, no. I-I don't mean…your mom's gonna be fine. I'm just saying…stuff like this is-is overwhelming. It's a lot to deal with and-and it's okay to be scared."

They sat in silence for a while before Buffy spoke again. She still didn't look at Tara.

"What kind of cancer was it?"

"What?" Tara asked, caught off guard by the break in the silence.

"Your mom."

"Oh, um, it-it was liver cancer," she replied. "She was on the list for a transplant, and they did the chemotherapy. It didn't work and the waiting list for transplants was so long…there wasn't enough time."

"And what did you do? Like how did you react to it?"

"Kind of like you did tonight," Tara replied with a small smile. "I promised her I would take care of her. When she was at home she was confined to bed, and I made her meals and tea and read books with her and played cards with her. When she went back into the hospital, I was there as much as I could be…a-as much as dad would let me."

"So were you there when she…?"

Tara nodded her head, remembering the last days she spent with her mother. "Yeah. A w-week before she went back into the hospital, she had a 'do not resuscitate' order set up. She told me she was tired of fighting. She went into a coma about a day before she died. At that point, dad left me alone, and I was there the whole time."

"Was she able to talk to you? Right before the coma?"

"Yeah. The last thing she said to me…" Tara paused and chuckled, having not realized the relevance of what her mother had said to her before she died. It had never occurred to her how well it connected to recent events. "She said, 'Beware the biters.'"

"Beware the biters?" Buffy repeated. "Was she talking about vampires?"

"I think so. I never realized it until now," Tara said. Then she explained. "Mom had some psychic abilities. She could read palms and tea leaves and sometimes she could just pull an impression of the future out of being close to a person."

"You never wondered what that meant? 'Beware the biters.'"

"She was pretty delirious before that," Tara explained. "She said a bunch of other weird stuff, too. I just shrugged it off."

"Well, it's good then. If you had listened to her, things might have turned out different for us," Buffy said with a smile. Tara smiled back and leaned over, kissing Buffy in response.

"I'd like to think we would've got together without the vampires," she said.

"Oh sure, you say that now," Buffy joked. The two of them enjoyed a good laugh, Buffy sighing in relief, the stress of the evening starting to dissipate with each laugh. She stood finally and Tara followed her to the door. "I better go. And you are getting up bright and early for mom duty."

"Yes, I am. Good thing I'm a morning person," she said. She placed her hands on Buffy's hips and pulled her close. "Unlike some people."

"Yeah, well, late nights at cemetaries kind of make me wanna sleep in a lot," she replied. She placed one hand on either side of Tara's face, gave her a long deep kiss and then stepped backward into the hallway. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," Tara said. She didn't release her grip on Buffy's wrist just yet. When she pulled Buffy back gently, the slayer looked to her, confused. "Hey. Your mom's gonna be okay."

"Yeah, you're right," Buffy said. "You have a habit of being that way."

"I don't try to be," Tara responded. She waved Buffy off. "Tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

Tara shut her door and laid back on her bed, hoping she was right about Joyce.

* * *

After Buffy had relieved her of Joyce duty and her class was over, Tara met Willow in the dorm room she shared with Buffy. Tara knelt in front of Amy's cage and held her hand out until the witch-turned-rat moved into her cupped hand. Then she stood, stroking Amy's fur with her forefinger. 

"Okay, so I just thought you were quirky with the whole pet rat thing," she commented. "But this is Amy?"

"Yep," Willow said. "I'm sure she'd gladly change herself back if she could, you know, talk."

"You've been trying to change her back for three years?" Tara asked.

"Pretty much. No success as of yet, obviously. I was hoping you could help with that."

"I would think a simple reversal of the spell she cast would undo it," Tara responded. She smiled when Amy sat up on her hind legs and appeared to regard Tara with a very human-like scrutiny, as if she were trying to decide if she could trust her.

"Oh, believe me, that's the first thing I tried," Willow said. "I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong."

"You might not be doing anything wrong," Tara replied. She returned Amy to her cage and the two not-so-rodent witches sat on Willow's bed. "Could be that you just need more power behind the reversal. If you have all the supplies, we could try it now."

"Actually, there's some stuff I'm out of that I was planning on picking up at the Magic Box. You wanna come along?" she asked. Tara nodded her head and the two of them left the dorm room. Willow changed gears as they headed out of the building. "How's Joyce? You were there earlier, right?"

"Yeah. She's okay, I guess. She was just taking it easy. Trying to relax till the doctor called," she replied. Willow nodded her head, satisfied with that answer.

"What about Buffy? She was kinda quiet last night after she told me what happened," Willow said.

Buffy had been stone-faced. Had Tara gone with her back to tell Willow about Joyce the previous night, she would've noticed a considerable change in Buffy's demeanor during the short walk down the hall. She did notice the change, however, when Buffy arrived after her classes earlier. She seemed very abrupt. Tara had just chalked it up to worry.

"She was okay. I think she was. You know, Buffy. When something serious is going on, she gets all protective and takes charge."

"Yeah, that's Buffy. She's a brave little toaster," Willow commented. "And what about Dawn?"

"Very Dawn-like. I think she was getting on Buffy's nerves," Tara said. "She's playing the baby of the family card. It's understandable."

"Sure. Scary unknown illnesses make you revert," Willow said. "It's just weird. None of us ever get really sick. It's always demons and evil beasties. Not viruses."

"Buffy was saying the same thing about her mom last night," Tara said. "I guess with all the demons, you guys tend to forget about real life, huh?"

"Fighting the flu kinda dwarfs in comparison to fighting vampires," Willow commented. Then her eyes widened. "Oh, but this one time, Buffy got the flu and she ended up in the hospital and having the flu helped her see this demon that only really sick people could see. Apparently the demon sucked the kids' life energy out through these two weird things that came from his eyes. It sounded really gross. I'm glad I couldn't see it."

"Wow," Tara said quietly. "There's really no limit to the scary stuff we could run into, is there?"

"Not really. Nasties come in all shapes and sizes," Willow replied. When she said 'sizes' it made her think of their encounter the previous Halloween. Gaknar had definitely been the smallest demon they had ever encountered. "Sunnydale's just a giant grab bag of evil."

* * *

The bell over the shop door jangled as Buffy and Dawn walked in. Buffy strode through the shop with purpose. Her tunnel vision was on and she didn't even see Tara and Willow to the side of the shop talking about different herbs. Dawn appeared to be angry that she was being dragged along with her older sister. She sat down at the table in a huff, tossing her bag down heavily and letting it slide almost to the other side of the large table. 

"Look, would you stop with the pissy stuff already?" Buffy asked, glaring at Dawn. "Mom said she wanted some alone time so we're giving it to her."

"I still don't see why I couldn't go over to Janice's house," Dawn said. "It's not like I'm four or something. I don't need Giles to babysit me while you patrol. This is totally stupid."

"Mom wanted you to be here. So you're going to be here. Right here," Buffy said, pointing at the spot where Dawn was sitting. "Work on your homework."

"Work on your homework," Dawn said, parroting Buffy in a nasal tone.

"Don't start," Buffy said. "Is it your mission in life to be this annoying?"

"Well, you've got your mission," Dawn retorted. "I should have mine."

"Whatever," Buffy said, shaking her head. She had had enough of Dawn for one day. She sighed and was about to head to the training room when someone grabbed her arm from behind. Without thinking, she grabbed the person by the wrist and just reacted.

Tara cried out as she went flipping over Buffy's shoulder. The wind rushed out of her lungs as she slammed on her back on the shop floor. Her vision went white for just a moment before she gasped in a ragged breath. When her vision restored she saw Buffy's shocked face.

"Oh geez, Tara!" she exclaimed, crouching next to Tara to help her up. "I am so sorry. I don't know why I…I'm so sorry."

"Are you okay?" Willow asked, wide-eyed. She couldn't believe Buffy had done that.

"I-I think so," Tara said as she and Buffy stood. She staggered a little and then found her footing, rubbing her neck. "It's okay. It was fun. Like a…like a ride."

"Yeah, the whole 'I tried to kill you' ride," Buffy said, rubbing Tara's back gently. "I am so sorry."

"It's okay," Tara said with a smile. "Just make sure there's something soft around for me to land on next time you decide to play 'flip the girlfriend.'"

"Sorry. Again with the sorry," Buffy said. "I'm just kinda…a little…on edge."

"I'd say a lot on edge," Tara observed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Well, you know, all the stuff…everything," Buffy said. Tara gently ran her hand up and down Buffy's arm, offering her a sympathetic smile. Buffy smiled uncomfortably, shrugged her shoulders and stepped away toward the training room. "I've gotta patrol."

"Okay," Tara said. "Are you gonna be back at the dorm tonight or…?"

"Um, I think…I'm probably going to stay at my mom's," Buffy answered. "It'll be late. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. See you," Tara said quietly as Buffy disappeared into the training room. She glanced at Willow and Dawn, wondering if they noticed the stand-offish presence surrounding Buffy. It was obvious that they did, and the sympathetic expression she was getting from Willow proved her suspicion that the stand-offish presence was mostly because of Tara.

* * *

As nights went in Sunnydale, this was a slow one. Buffy had regular routes that she took, varying the route each night. One route usually took her a couple hours to complete, and then she reversed it and headed home. This night she skipped her reversal tactic and hit another route. So far she hadn't come across a single demon or vampire. 

"As quiet as it is, you'd think it's Halloween," Buffy said to herself. "Of course, Halloween in Sunnydale hasn't been quiet since I moved here. Maybe this year will be different."

She entered Parkview Cemetary and allowed her mind to wander. The situation with her mother caused her to go through all the loss she had experienced over the past five years. From Jesse to Jenny Calendar to Kendra to Angel; even if Angel was only temporary, it had ended up virtually permanent anyway. All of them were lost to evil. After five years on the Hellmouth, her mother had survived a vampire bite, possession by demon eggs, Spike, zombies and various other evils because Buffy had protected her. Now she was facing a threat that Buffy couldn't save her from. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to kill something. She needed to protect someone, no matter who it was.

She strode past a row of tombstones and paused when she heard noises. A large crypt, one she knew as the McFadden crypt, stood between her and whatever was making the noise. She carefully approached it, pulling out a stake for what she assumed would be a simple fight with a newly risen vampire or at worst, a vampire nesting in the crypt. To gain the advantage she quickly climbed up a tree to the roof of the crypt.

The noises had, in fact, come from inside the crypt. Through the skylight she could see three large demons. Each one was at least six feet tall, if not taller. They were dressed in black body armor. They had sharp claws on their fingers with extra sets of claws on the back of their hands, three sharp blade-like protrusions, much like Wolverine from the X-Men. Their pale faces were gray, rectangular and smooth. Had it not been for their long, black, braided hair, Buffy would've thought they were the inspiration for the statues at Easter Island, which she knew some believed were inspired or built by aliens. As she surveyed the apparent possible strengths and weaknesses of these demons, she also weighed her odds. Three against one weren't the best odds, but they also weren't the worst she had ever faced.

"Three," she muttered to herself. She gazed around the inside of the crypt. There were various objects she could use as weapons. She knew a stake wasn't going to do her any good. She finally decided how she was going to proceed. "I can do three."

Glass showered down around her as she dropped into the crypt. As soon as her feet hit the concrete she jumped and did a backflip out of the center, landing near the front door of the crypt. The demons turned just as Buffy grabbed a nearby candle holder. She used it like a quarter staff, sweeping two of the demons off their feet. Just as she was about to go after the third she noticed that her count was a little off. Two more of the demons had been out of sight near the rear of the crypt.

She used the candlestick like a jousting stick and hit the third demon closest to her, pushing it backward over the tomb behind it. As the four others advanced on her she decided this space was too tight for her to fight five demons. She spun completely around, catching two of the demons across the jaw. Then she pushed the crypt door open and moved out into the open air. The demons didn't disappoint her as they followed her out.

"I don't know about you guys, but I work better outdoors," she said.

The demons spread out and circled her. She listened as they made clicking noises at each other. She assumed it was their way of communicating. As soon as the clicking stopped they all converged. She swept the candlestick around but they all managed to jump backward away from her. One of the five struck out and sliced off the end of the candlestick with the three claws on the back of its hand. Buffy glanced at it in amazement.

"Wow. Hugh Jackman's got nothing on you," she said.

She choked up on the candlestick and swung it like a baseball bat. Again, the demons dodged her attack. Two of them grabbed her arms while a third took away the candlestick by snapping her wrist backward. She kicked forward as the remaining two attempted to grab her legs, catching each of them in the chest and propelling herself into a backflip of the shoulders of the two that held her. As the turned around she caught them both with a roundhouse kick to the jaw. They recovered quickly and all five converged on her. One of them struck out with its claws, creating three deep gashes across her left bicep.

They tackled her and pinned her up against the wall of the crypt. One of them back-handed her across the jaw, the metallic taste of her blood spreading over her tongue, and then it kicked her in the stomach. As the wind was knocked out of her and she was sure a rib had broken, she had to struggle to lash out with her legs and kick away two of them. The remaining three launched her through the air, sending her several yards until she came crashing into an angel statue. Buffy stood and staggered away from the statue. She pressed her hand over the gashes on her arm and watched the blood seep over her fingers. She looked at the demons and knew she was out-matched. She took the only option she knew she could and she ran. She leapt over the short cemetary fence and sprinted down the street as fast as she could.

When she looked back, she saw the demons were trailing her, but what they had in strength, they equally lacked in speed. She rounded the corner and looked back again; the demons had given up. She only slowed her pace a little, knowing to get to her destination she had to preserve her energy. She hoped Giles would be able to help bring down those demons in a very painful way.

* * *

She stopped at her mother's house and crept inside, hoping that she could get in and out unnoticed. She headed up to the bathroom and removed her clothing, examining her injuries. There was a large purple bruise along her ribcage. Her wrist was slightly swollen and her jaw was starting to swell. She winced as she ran her fingers over the gashes on her arm. The blood had dried during her escape. She carefully and quietly cleaned up and then she went to her room to change. As she put on her jacket to leave the house, she noticed the light was on in her mother's room. 

"Mom?"

Joyce looked up from her reading at the sound of Buffy's voice. "Finished patrolling?" Then she noticed the swelling on her jaw, the split lip and the bandage wrapped around her wrist. "You're hurt."

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. "It's nothing. I was just about to head back to the Magic Box to get Dawn."

"Actually, I'm glad you're here," Joyce said. She set her book down and waved Buffy over. "Come sit down."

"You've got your serious face on," Buffy said with a smirk, trying to lighten her own anxiety about what her mother wanted to talk to her about. "What's up?"

"Dr. Mitchell called right after you left with Dawn," Joyce explained. "The tests revealed a…shadow on my brain."

"A shadow? What does that mean?" Buffy asked. "Is it what's causing your headaches?"

"It's a tumor pressing on my brain," she said. She rested her hand on Buffy's knee. "He scheduled surgery in three days."

"Surgery?" Buffy asked, her eyes widening in shock. "Like…like opening up your head and digging around?"

"Basically, only not so much digging as cutting," Joyce answered. "They know where the tumor is located."

"Cutting," Buffy said. "Because digging wasn't bad enough."

"Dr. Mitchell is confident that they can get the tumor out without any problems," Joyce said. "He said this procedure isn't as uncommon as you might think."

"What if they don't get the tumor out? What would happen?" Buffy asked. Her mind and heart were racing. This was more than she could possibly comprehend. "I mean, it's pressing on your brain so it could...what? Turn you into a vegetable?"

"Possibly, yes," she replied.

Buffy sighed and looked down at her hands. She couldn't believe this was happening. Of all the possible illnesses she had dreamed up in her head, none of them were close to this. She had thought treatment would involve medication, simple as that. She had never imagined surgery. It was terrifying.

"I wanted to tell you first," Joyce said. "I wanted you to have time to deal with it before I tell Dawn. I'm going to need you to be strong for me tomorrow morning when I tell her."

Buffy looked up and made eye contact with Joyce, her eyes brimming with tears. She sniffed as Joyce ran her hand through her hair.

"I'm always strong for you, mom," she said. "I always will be."

"I know that sweetheart," Joyce said. She reached forward and pulled Buffy into a tight hug. "It'll be okay."

Buffy said nothing. She simply held her mother, gripping onto her as if she would never see her again. She would be strong. Starting now she would be strong, and she would do whatever she had to in order to protect those she loved. She was the slayer. It was her job.


	13. As Closed Down As I Am Sometimes

_A/N: I have a HUGE request to ask of all of you. I'm nominated in the SunnyD Awards for this fic and the judging is done by reader votes. So PLEASE go vote for me. Since this site apparently won't let me post links, e-mail me and I'll e-mail the url where you can vote. I'm nominated for: Best New Author (Agent Alpo), Best Characterization (Tara), Best Pairing Unconventional, Best Plot, Best Romance, Best Slash and Best Unfinished (WIP). Big thanks to all who vote for me!

* * *

_

When Buffy arrived at the Magic Box she was surprised to see that Tara was still there. She was sitting at the table with Dawn looking at a book that appeared to be one that was not a text for school. The two looked up when Buffy approached them, and the slayer pointed at the book.

"That doesn't look like algebra," she said.

"I finished algebra three hours ago," Dawn said. "Tara's been showing me magic stuff."

"Magic stuff?" Buffy asked, shooting an annoyed glance at Tara.

"Just history and background stuff. No spells," Tara explained, knowing how particular Buffy and Joyce were about making sure Dawn didn't get into something she couldn't handle. Then she noticed the bruises on Buffy's face and the bandage on her wrist. She stood and walked around to Buffy's side. "What happened? You're hurt."

"I'll live," Buffy said. She winced when Tara wrapped her arm around her, and she stepped back. She tried to alleviate Tara's concern. "I'll be good as new by tomorrow. I've just gotta fill Giles in on the new big uglies and then get Dawn home."

"New demons?" Giles asked as he emerged from the back of the shop. He saw her injuries and a concerned expression crossed his face. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Buffy said. "But they got away. Or more like, I ran away and they couldn't keep up."

"You ran?" Tara asked. She knew it wasn't often that Buffy ran from a fight.

"Had to. Giles, these things were super strong. There were five of them," she explained. "They had these claws. It was like Wolverine without the cuddly charm."

"Wolverine doesn't have cuddly charm," Dawn said.

"Exactly."

"And what did they look like, aside from the claws?" Giles asked.

"Uh, pale faces. Kinda like those statues. You know, on Christmas Island?"

"You mean, Easter Island?" Giles corrected. Buffy nodded her head.

"Yeah, them. They also were in major need of new hairstylists," she commented. "Big on the leather and the teamwork. They really ganged up on me."

"I'll see what I can find," he said. "You should get Dawn home and get some rest. I'll let you know if I find anything."

"Okay, Dawn, get your stuff," Buffy said. Tara took the slayer's uninjured hand and looked her in the eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked. "You seem really freaked out."

"You know, it's those demons," Buffy lied. She wasn't as concerned about the demons as her mom. "Evil things are supposed to run away from me, not the other way around."

"You'll get 'em," Tara said with a reassuring smile. Buffy nodded her head.

"Do you want me to walk you back to the dorm before I go home?" she asked. Tara shook her head.

"That's okay," she responded. She gestured to her bag on the table. "Got my stake, cross and holy water. I'll be okay." She smiled. "You know, I didn't even carry pepper spray when I lived in L.A."

Buffy smiled, but the smile was short-lived when she saw Dawn was ready to go. Her expression returned to a serious one as she backed away from Tara to leave.

"Well, we should get going. Be careful going back," she said to Tara, who nodded her head and watched the Summers girls leave.

As Buffy and Dawn walked down the street, Dawn kept shooting confused looks at Buffy. Finally the elder of the two noticed and decided to find out what was going on.

"Do you want to ask me something or are you going to keep boring holes into my head?"

"What's your problem?" Dawn asked abruptly.

"In general?" Buffy asked sarcastically. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"You know what I mean," Dawn said.

"Actually, I really don't," Buffy said. "Clairvoyance isn't a slayer power."

"You and Tara," Dawn said, annoyed that Buffy didn't realize what she thought was completely obvious. "What's the deal?"

"There's no deal," Buffy lied. She hated that she couldn't be discreet. Everyone was seeing what she didn't want them to see. They were seeing her walls go up. "And even if there was, you wouldn't know anything about it."

Dawn chose to drop it even though she knew Buffy was lying. They continued their walk home in silence with Dawn contemplating the situation between her sister and Tara, and Buffy contemplating the situation with their mother.

"I'm going to be heading out as well, Tara," Giles said as a signal that she should get going as well. He noticed the concerned scowl on the young woman's brow and looked to her curiously. "Everything all right?"

"Uh, yeah," Tara said, pulled out of her thoughts. Buffy didn't say good bye or goodnight or anything. She just left. She didn't understand what was going on. It was like Buffy was changing into a different person.

"If you'd like, I could give you a ride to your dormitory," Giles offered, not convinced that everything was all right. He had noticed the tension from Buffy as well.

"No, thank you," Tara said quickly. She turned and grabbed her bag to leave. "Goodnight, Mr. Giles."

"Goodnight," he said quietly as he watched her go.

He wasn't quite sure what it was between Buffy and Tara that night that had him on edge. He hadn't previously sensed anything amiss between the two women. Their relationship had been progressing nicely. He knew Buffy had a lot of things on her mind at the moment. He hoped that he was wrong about the tension between them, and he tried to put it out of his mind as he chose a few volumes to take home with him in order to research the new demons Buffy had encountered.

* * *

Buffy and Tara entered Tara's room together after class. Tara closed the door behind them and tossed her bag on the floor at the foot of her bed. She stood next to Buffy and ran her hand down the slayer's arm. Buffy gave Tara's hand a gentle squeeze and then stepped away from her to stand beside the desk. Tara stared at her back in confusion. She had no idea what was going on.

"Buffy, did I do something to...?" she began to ask, trailing off on her question. Buffy turned and waited for her to finish.

"What?" she asked.

Tara shook her head. "Nevermind." She forced herself to plaster on a smile. "Willow and the others and I were going to, um, catch a movie tonight. You should come."

"I don't think so. I'm patrol bound," Buffy said reluctantly, sitting on the end of Tara's bed. She wasn't sure she was up for a group outing. "But you guys should go have fun."

"You should come," Tara said, doing her best to persuade the slayer. She knelt on the bed behind Buffy and gently rubbed her shoulders. "You've been really stressed the past few days, and you really need to relax."

"How can you possibly expect me to relax when my mom is sick and I've got five demons on the loose doing god knows what?" Buffy asked, standing and walking away from the bed. Tara's disappointed and confused scowl didn't go unnoticed by the slayer. But it did go ignored. "I'm incapable of relaxing right now. It's barely in my vocabulary."

"Look, I know things are crazy right now, and I know it's hard for you," Tara said, trying to be sympathetic. She was trying not to get annoyed with the way Buffy was acting lately because of the family circumstances. It was hard to not get annoyed. "But you're still recovering from your first fight with those demons, and Giles hasn't pinned down what they even are yet. Relaxing really could be the best thing for you right now. It'll only be for a couple hours. If you really feel like you have to, you can patrol after the movie and maybe even before it."

Buffy didn't say anything, but it was obvious she was still hesitant to let her guard down with everything that was going on.

"Come on, it'll be fun," Tara said. "Xander, Anya and Oz wanna see Underworld. It's a vampire movie. We can make fun of how unrealistic it is."

"Underworld? That doesn't seem like your kind of movie," Buffy said, her eyebrow raised in doubt. Tara just shrugged her shoulders and Buffy smiled in realization. "You like Kate Beckinsale, don't you?"

"Well…hey, there's-there's nothing wrong with that. She's a very talented actress," Tara said defensively. Buffy laughed finally and conceded.

"Okay, we can go to the movie so you can make googly eyes at the pale woman dressed in black leather."

"I don't make googly eyes," Tara argued, pretending to be appalled at the mere suggestion.

"Right, and all that time before you got with the smoochies on New Year's you were just admiring my pants," Buffy shot back. Tara blushed.

"Xander is so dead for telling you that," she said. She climbed off the bed and stepped in front of Buffy, wrapping her arms around the slayer's waist. She did her best to ignore it when Buffy tensed up. "So you're coming tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll go," Buffy agreed. She allowed Tara to kiss her briefly and then backed away, looking at her watch. "Mom wanted me to pick Dawn up from school. I should get going."

"Okay," Tara said quietly.

"Weren't you gonna meet Willow for some Wicca thing or something?" Buffy asked as she grabbed her bag from where she had set it on the floor.

"Yeah. We're still working on changing Amy back," she said. "I think we're getting pretty close."

"Well, that's cool," Buffy said. She opened the door and shot a brief smile. "I'll see you tonight."

"Okay," Tara responded as Buffy left. Buffy was out of sight before she also muttered to herself, "See ya."

* * *

The gang left the movie theater together on their triple date. Buffy walked arm in arm with Tara on one side and Willow on the other. Oz walked slightly behind Willow, and Xander and Anya trailed them, their arms wrapped around each other's waists.

"What's with all these vampire movies that try to change parts of the legends?" Xander asked. "It's hard to enjoy a good vamp movie when they change the rules."

The group had spent most of the movie muttering sarcastic commentary to each other.

"Just tell me I don't look like that when I change into a wolf," Oz said.

"No, you don't sweetie," Willow said, reaching back with her right hand to grab his left arm. "You're more like a really big puppy."

"A really big and really angry puppy," Xander said.

"I have to say ultraviolet bullets might come in handy," Buffy commented. "Think we could pick some of those up, Will?"

"Sure thing, Buff," Willow said sarcastically. "I'll get right on that."

As they passed one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries, a scream interrupted their conversation. All of them jumped and turned in the direction of the scream.

"What was that?" Tara asked.

"That was a blood-curdling scream," Anya said nonchalantly. "You'll get used to it."

"I better check it out," Buffy said, stepping away from the group.

Another scream pierced the silence and Buffy took off running. The others glanced at each other briefly and then they followed after her into the cemetery. She had a good lead on them, and when they finally caught up to her, they found her standing near a crypt, staring at the crypt wall. When they followed her gaze the other's jumped back in shock. Xander, Willow and Tara all cried out at the sight.

The crypt wall was splattered with blood, and pinned, spread-eagle to the wall was the skinned body of a woman. It was hard to tell, but she appeared to be young, possibly not much older than all of them. Above her head a symbol was etched in blood. It was an upside down pentagram with an eye in the center.

"Eugh," Willow said, observing the gruesome sight before them from the safety of Oz's arms.

"I'll see your 'eugh' and raise you an 'egads,'" Xander said. "Whatever did this makes the Predator look like something cute and fluffy."

"Where's Arnold Schwarzenegger when you need him?" Oz commented.

"Okay," Buffy said, being the first to overcome the astonishment of what they all were looking at. "I don't have to be Giles to know that symbol looks ritualistic. Looks like we've got another new big nasty in town." She noticed their group was short one person. "Where'd Tara go?"

"She's vomiting behind that tombstone over there," Anya said frankly as she pointed in the direction that Tara had retreated, as if it were the same as relaying the time of day or the location of a gas station. They all finally heard the sounds of her retching, and Buffy moved over to check on her, the others following close behind. Buffy knelt next to Tara and held her hair back as she finished. Finally Tara sat back, and Buffy gently rubbed her back, noticing that she looked equally sick and embarrassed. Willow offered Tara a tissue to wipe her mouth off.

"That…that wasn't very Scooby-like, was it?" Tara asked sheepishly.

"Psssh," Xander said, dismissing her embarrassment with a wave of his hand. "Who here hasn't tossed their cookies behind a random tombstone?" Slowly Oz, Willow, Anya and Buffy all raised their hands. Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Well, at least I'm not alone anymore."

"It's okay," Willow said as Buffy eased Tara up off the ground, wrapping her arm around Tara's shoulders. "We've all seen some pretty barf-worthy stuff. Your stomach will adjust."

"I hope so," Tara said as they all started walking. She gestured to the grave they were leaving behind. "I don't think that guy's family is going to be happy if they come by to leave him some flowers tomorrow."

Buffy shot one last look at the symbol on the wall of the crypt before they all left the cemetery to report to Giles.

* * *

Giles paced in the Magic Box, looking at the sketch of the symbol that Buffy had drawn for him. He removed his glasses and looked to the group who was sitting around the large table.

"And you saw nothing else?" he asked.

"I think we saw enough," Tara muttered, her stomach still unsettled by the horrible sight of that girl.

"I'm sorry. I meant, perhaps, the demon or creature that flayed the girl," Giles clarified.

"Whatever did it took off fast," Xander said.

"We heard her screaming barely a minute before I found her," Buffy said. "It had to be something pretty powerful."

"What about that symbol? Does it mean anything?" Willow asked.

"It's vaguely familiar, but I'll need to reference my books," he said. "Anything else distinctive about this, other than the symbol and the, um, method in which the girl was killed?"

"Nothing really," Buffy said. "I should get out and patrol. The thing that did this could be out there doing it again."

"I don't know, Buffy," Willow said. "Like you said in the cemetery, this all looked way ritualistic. Ritualistic stuff usually all happens in the same place at the same time."

"Willow's right, generally speaking," Giles said.

"Still, I should try to find this thing," Buffy said. "If this is a ritual, I'm thinking I definitely want to stop it before it gets any further." She saw Giles was going to continue to protest. The others looked ready to join as well, especially Tara. "Look, I need to find this thing. You know I'm better at the killing than the studying."

"Buffy, maybe you should at least wait until we know what the symbol means," Tara said, attempting to make a sensible, compromising argument. She tried to lighten the mood slightly. "I don't mean to be superficial, but I really prefer my girlfriends with the skin on."

"I'll be fine. If I get in over my head, I'll do the retreating thing," Buffy said. "I just need to get out there."

"Okay," Tara conceded. "Just be careful."

"Always," Buffy said as she stood. She headed back to the training room to retrieve an axe before going out to patrol. The others turned to their research, hoping to figure all of this out before they had another skinless body on their hands.

* * *

After several hours of patrol, Buffy found no sign of the demon or demons that she was hoping to find. She did come across one stray vampire, which she quickly dusted in order to return to her primary hunt. Finally, a couple hours before sunrise she made a quick stop at home to change clothes. Then she returned to the Magic Box. It appeared the others had all taken breaks at some point to change clothes and refresh. A box of donuts rested in the center of the table, surrounded by books. Most everyone had a cup of coffee in front of them, and there were several empty To Go cups on the table as well. When Tara saw Buffy, she smiled, relieved to see her still in one piece. But when Buffy simply stood at one end of the table, barely giving Tara a second glance, the young witch was slightly confused.

"Hey, Buffy, did ya kill anything?" Xander asked. Before Buffy answered, he paused and considered his question. "In any other town, I would be disturbed that I even asked that question."

"No such luck," Buffy answered. "Well, I dusted one vampire. No demons with a skin collection, though. What about you guys? Figure out the symbol?"

"Yes, we did," Giles said. "It's the symbol of the Ordinatio de Letum. It's a possibility they left the symbol simply as a calling card, but we aren't ruling out a ritual."

"Okay, I forgot my whatever language that is to English dictionary at home," Buffy said. "What does Ordinatio de Letum mean?"

"Order of Annihilation," Giles answered. "It's an order of demons bent on destruction and ruin."

"I thought all demons were bent on that," Buffy said.

"Pretty much, yeah," Willow said. "But this order is a specific species of demon. They're called mesklar demons."

"The order used to be really big back in the day," Anya said. "There were hundreds of thousands of them. But then they started to die off. Now there's probably less than a dozen of them left. Nobody really knows what killed them. But anything that could make that many mesklar demons just croak has got to be pretty gruesome. Personally, I wouldn't want to find out what did it."

"Why? What are mesklar demons like?"

Giles shuffled through the stacks of books and found the one he was looking for, opening it to a marked page and handing it over to Buffy. She looked at the illustration of the mesklar demon and her gaze darkened, disappointment and anger obvious.

"What is it?" Tara asked, noticing Buffy's expression.

"That's the kind of demon I fought the other night," Buffy answered. She dropped the book on the table and shook her head. "That girl didn't have to die."

"You did your best, Buffy," Giles tried to reassure her. "Mesklar demons are notoriously strong and fierce, and unlike most demons, they work in groups. You were out-matched. I doubt there was anything else you could've done."

"I could've killed the demons. That would've been a start," she said. "I shouldn't have run."

"Sweetie, they practically killed you," Tara said. "If you hadn't run, you might've been the one up on the crypt instead of the girl."

"Still doesn't change the fact that she's dead and the demons are still out there," Buffy said dejectedly. She picked up her axe again and backed away from the table. "I have to go back out there and find these things. I don't care what kind of order they belong to."

"You shouldn't do that just yet," Giles said. "You shouldn't go alone against them, Buffy."

"They'll kill you," Tara said, worry and fear in her tone.

"Not if I don't let them," Buffy said. "I'm not letting them get away this time. I'm not letting them kill again."

"You said yourself that you can't stop them alone," Giles said. "What do you expect to do?"

"I already told you. I expect to kill them," Buffy said. "I ran into them at the McFadden crypt the other night. It's not the same crypt where we found the girl. Any idea why they'd be there?"

"I know the McFadden crypt," Giles said. "It's rather large. I suppose they might be nesting there."

"It has sewer access in the back, too," Willow said. The others were confused. "What? I got it off the city plans."

"Then I'm going there," Buffy said. She started to head for the door, but Tara stood and followed her.

"Buffy, I think you should really listen to Giles," she said. "At least let us try to find some kind of weakness or something."

"It truly would be best," Giles said. "It's best to have a plan before charging into the fray."

Buffy sighed and decided not to argue. Tara smiled and the two of them went back to the table to research some more.

* * *

It didn't take long for Buffy to find an excuse to leave the shop and get away from the research. She saw that everyone was out of coffee and volunteered for a coffee run. Tara was uneasy about letting Buffy go, but she had a feeling there wasn't a good way to stop her. It was close to sunrise so she hoped that would make a difference.

"Has Buffy talked to you at all about her mom?" Willow asked as she and Tara looked over some spells that could help with the mesklar demons. "With the surgery coming up she's been all quiet and stuff. She's been making Oz look chatty lately."

"Surgery?" Tara asked.

"Yeah, you know, to get the tumor out," Willow said. "In a couple days."

Tara was stunned. She knew nothing about the surgery or any tumor. Buffy hadn't told her anything about any of that. She tried to play it off. "Uh, no. No, she-she's been really quiet about it. Because she's, um, scared, I guess."

"I'm kinda worried about her," Willow said.

"Me too," Tara agreed quietly.

She returned to research for all of one minute before the nagging feeling at the back of her mind forced her to go after Buffy. She announced that she was going to help Buffy with the coffee run and no one argued as she hurried to catch up. When she arrived at the 24-hour coffee shop, Tara found Buffy was not there. She knew exactly what that meant. The cemetery that housed the crypt where Buffy had first encountered the demons was nearby. Giles had said that the demons were possibly nesting there. It was the only other place Buffy could be.

She debated whether or not she should go back to tell the others. On the one hand, Buffy would probably find the demons and be in serious danger before she could rally the troops. On the other hand, Tara wasn't sure how much help she would be to Buffy by herself. She had a few spells up her sleeves, but if any of the demons got a claw on her, she was as good as dead. Her internal debate raged on for about a minute before she made her decision and headed for the cemetery.

The McFadden crypt was one of the largest crypts in the entire cemetery. Tara knew exactly where it was, and even if she didn't, she could easily identify it by its size. She hurried through the tombstones and before she could see the battle, she could hear it. She heard growls and blows landing and things breaking. She heard Buffy's grunts and shouts as she fought. Tara came up beside the crypt and saw five of the huge mesklar demons battling against the out-matched slayer. Buffy was holding her own, but it was obvious to Tara that she was already tired. She had a few cuts on her arms already. Tara wasn't sure what to do. Then one of the demons stabbed Buffy in the stomach with one of its protruding claws. Buffy staggered backward and fell with her back against the front of the crypt. The demons started to advance but stopped short when Tara stepped between them and Buffy. They only stopped for a moment before they began advancing again.

She dug through her memory for the proper spell and then she began chanting in latin, holding her hands out in front of her. Suddenly a translucent spherical field encased the demons. They began to swing at it and it flashed when their claws hit it. Tara knew it wouldn't hold for long and she turned back to Buffy, discouraged to find that she was unconscious. Tara looked back to see that the field would collapse soon. She couldn't carry Buffy. She could drag her, but that wouldn't buy them any time. Quickly she remembered another spell. They had to make a stealthy escape. She chanted again in latin, holding her left hand toward the demons as she wrapped her right arm around Buffy, preparing to drag her. Once she completed her chant, a thick white smoke shot from her left hand, obscuring the demons' vision and providing a sufficient enough cover for her to drag Buffy into the McFadden crypt.

Once inside, Tara looked around frantically for a way to barricade the door. Thanks to Willow's adept way of accessing security-protected city schematics, Tara remembered that there was sewer access in the back of the crypt. She just had to delay the demons long enough to make that escape. A statue near the door was her best bet. She stood to one side and pushed with all her strength. At first the statue didn't budge, but she gave it another try and it started to tip. She stepped back as it wobbled and she stepped forward again, using her momentum and the wobbling to make the statue fall over across the width of the doorway. It was only a temporary solution, but it was the only thing sufficient enough to be a door block.

She turned back to Buffy, wishing the slayer would regain consciousness. She had no such luck and resigned herself to dragging Buffy toward the door that led to the sewer access. The door squealed as Tara pushed it open to reveal stone stairs leading down to the sewer tunnels. She dragged Buffy through the door and then shoved it closed. The demons were just starting to bang against the front door of the crypt as Tara made her slow descent down the stairs with Buffy in tow.

At the bottom of the stairs, Tara tripped and the two of them fell backwards into about a foot of sewer water. She made sure Buffy's face wasn't submerged in the water and then took only a brief moment to rest. So far the demons weren't following her. She knew that was only a temporary relief. She resumed dragging Buffy along, noting the natural gas lines that were running along the walls, until she found a small alcove. She leaned Buffy against the wall and crouched down in the darkness, trying to formulate a better plan. She was hoping the demons would go in the opposite direction than she had gone, but she had a feeling she wouldn't be that lucky.

She looked across the sewer tunnel from her hiding spot and saw a broken gas pipe. She held her breath and listened intently, a plan formulating when she heard the slow hiss of the gas. In part the plan was pure genius, but it was also extremely dangerous. However, she knew they were as good as dead if she didn't do something fast. She glanced down the sewer tunnel and then crept over to the pipe. She began to force the pipe to turn it in the direction from which she had just come. She got it turned and looked for something metal to strike it with. She discovered a piece of wrought iron from a sewer gate and picked it up, immediately swinging at the gas pipe and trying to make a spark. As she swung, the demons emerged from the staircase. She saw them and they saw her. She swung harder, frantic to get this to work.

Just as she thought she was dead, a spark flashed and the gas from the pipe ignited. The explosion threw Tara backward, the intense heat and flames lighting up the dark tunnel. When she was certain she herself wasn't on fire, she looked up and smiled at her success. The flames were obstructing the entire width of the tunnel, causing the demons to recoil backward. She had hoped that the fire would engulf the demons, effectively killing them, but she was satisfied with the fact that it held them back to allow her escape.

"Just call me MacGyver," she said with a chuckle before moving over to Buffy. Thankfully, the slayer was starting to regain consciousness. Tara helped her stand and they moved back out into the tunnel. Buffy noticed the fire and demons and was shocked. Tara saw Buffy's confused look and nudged her in the opposite direction of the fire. "I'll explain later."

With her grogginess and injury, Buffy was willing to accept that response, and the two of them turned to make their way out of the sewer.

* * *

Buffy sat on Tara's bed and inspected her injuries while Tara made her last check-in phone call.

"Yeah, Joyce, she's here with me," she said, glancing over at Buffy. "I promise she's fine. A few cuts and bruises, but nothing major. Okay. Bye."

She hung up the phone and moved over to her dresser to retrieve all her first aid supplies. After finding out about Buffy's nighttime activities, Tara felt it was a good idea to be prepared for injuries. They seemed to be a common thing. She paused for a moment with her back to Buffy.

"Hey, thanks for not giving her too many details," Buffy said. She winced as she moved, holding her hand to the puncture wound on her stomach. "If mom knew I had actually passed out—"

"What the hell were you doing?" Tara asked, spinning around and scowling at Buffy. She caught her completely off guard. "Were you trying to get killed? Is that it?"

"What? Tara…"

She watched in confusion as Tara knelt on the floor near her and lifted up her shirt to tend to her wound. The young witch was obviously very upset, but Buffy didn't entirely understand why.

"I mean, Giles told you how dangerous those demons were. You know from experience how dangerous those demons are. You still went off to try and fight them on your own," Tara said as she cleaned the wound. She placed a gauze pad over it and then started wrapping more gauze around Buffy's waist. "You didn't wait for-for back-up or anything. You just went off without telling us, without telling me."

Buffy sighed. That was it. Tara felt hurt because she had done this behind her back.

"It's not about that. You guys would've gotten hurt. I couldn't let that happen," Buffy explained. "I'm the slayer, Tara. What do you expect me to do? Those demons are dangerous. Honestly, you got damn lucky tonight."

"I got lucky? What about you?" she asked. "You got skewered by that-that thing. You would've died if it hadn't been for me."

"Do you want a gold star?" Buffy asked sarcastically. "You escaped some demons. Go you."

"How many times would you have died if it hadn't been for your friends?" Tara asked angrily. "I know I'm the junior partner in the Scooby gang. I haven't been around as long as Willow or Xander or Giles, and I'm not a werewolf or ex-demon like Oz and Anya. But it's not like I don't know anything. They've told me about demons you've faced, times you've almost died and the time that you actually did die. Haven't you learned anything from that?"

"I've learned that sometimes you guys ignore the risks and do things that you really shouldn't be doing."

"Like you did?" Tara asked, making eye contact with Buffy, who quickly looked away. Tara stood and threw away the bloody gauze before putting the first aid supplies away. "You always have to do everything on your own, right? Things get tough and you turn into reckless loner girl. Your mom's sick, you can't deal with it and you-you go and nearly die. It's how you operate."

"How would you know? You haven't seen enough of this to know how I operate," Buffy said.

"I've seen enough to know it's a pattern."

"You don't know anything," Buffy growled.

"Because you won't let me know," Tara shot back. "What do you think relationships are like? Do you have any idea?"

"I've got a pretty good one."

"Do you? Because it's not a one-sided thing."

"I have been nothing but supportive of you. I've been there for you," Buffy said. She couldn't believe that Tara was having issues with their relationship. She couldn't understand how this went from the demons to their relationship.

"There's more to it than that. Real girls don't want a knight on a white horse," Tara said. "You've been so independent for so long. You've forgotten how to depend on other people. You don't have to be the hero all the time. It's not healthy."

"What? Are you going to psycho-babble me now? I thought you were an English major," Buffy said sarcastically. "And don't talk to me about not healthy. You came around and got all attracted to me and you told me your deepest darkest secrets. Made yourself all vulnerable. Worked like a charm."

"That's n-not why I told you all that," Tara said, her voice low and hurt.

"You spent 18 years getting emotionally kicked around by your dad and then you expect me to depend on you? A couple years on your own and you think you're stable?" Buffy asked. She was speaking without inhibition now. It was starting to wear Tara down, but not completely yet. "So, tell me Miss Dependable. How do you think you can help me? Why do you think depending on you is going to change anything in my life?"

"I just don't understand why you won't let me in. You didn't even tell me your mom was having surgery. Again, I found out from someone else," Tara said. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, not that again. I'm not trying to keep secrets from you," Buffy said sharply. "I just didn't get around to telling you. Sometimes I don't have time to give you a detailed picture of everything that's going on."

"How about a blurry picture? Or a sketch? Something would be nice," Tara said. "I probably wouldn't have known your mom was sick if I hadn't been there when she fainted. You're closed off, alone. Just give me one reason why you have to be alone. Why are you like this?"

"Why am I like this?"

"Why do you help me when I need it and push away when you need it?" Tara asked. "What did this to you?"

"Angel," Buffy said. She was still angry. Tara was softening, but Buffy wasn't. "You wanna know the story about Angel? No more secrets, right? Well, here you go. Angel's one moment of true happiness was when he was having sex with me."

Tara said nothing. She hadn't been expecting that. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting. Buffy continued.

"He lost his soul, killed the love of Giles' life and tried to destroy the world. And I sent him to hell," she said. She glared at Tara. "My mom found out I was the slayer and practically disowned me. I sent Angel to hell, and that's when I knew I was alone. In the end, I would be alone. That's why I'm like this. That's why I take charge. That's why I don't depend on people. I let them help, but in the end, I'm alone. We all are. If mom dies, she'll die alone. Even if I'm there or Dawn's there. Your mom died alone, and you were there. We are all alone."

"You don't really believe that," Tara said, a stunned expression dominating her face.

"You don't know what I believe," Buffy said. She backed to the door. "Thanks for the rescue and everything. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go clean up. I smell like a sewer."

When the door slammed behind her, Buffy jumped at the noise. She just stood in the hallway for a moment as she let everything that the two of them had just said sink in, wondering if Tara would come after her. When Tara's door didn't open, the slayer turned and moved toward her own dorm room. She was thankful when she saw Willow was still at the Magic Box. She wasn't ready for more confrontation. She hadn't anticipated that fight with Tara, and she was too drained emotionally and physically to deal with anything more.

She moved over to the sink and looked in the mirror at herself. Her eyes were dark and tired. Dirt, blood and bruises marked her features. She really looked like hell, and in the back of her mind, she knew she had been an idiot to go after the mesklar demons alone. But facing a tangible evil was easier for her than facing all the other problems in her life. As she thought of her mother's illness and her fight with Tara, she began to succumb to tears.

She leaned on the sink and sobbed, almost relishing the pain it caused her from her fresh injury. She could accept that. The sting and pain of that wound was physical and real. It was understandable. It wasn't like the abstract and more difficult pain of emotion. The physical pain would go away. It wouldn't last forever. She feared that the emotional pain would.


	14. At the Risk of Burning

Later that morning, Buffy knocked on Tara's door before heading to the Magic Box, but there was no answer. She guessed that Tara had already left, and wished she had had a chance to talk to her before facing the rest of the gang. Part of Buffy was still angry. Her pride was getting in the way of her more sensitive side, the side that felt Tara was right. She was just tired of being asked to reveal herself, to open up. She wished Tara could get that she didn't work that way. It wasn't who she was.

When she arrived at the shop, everyone else was there. Oz, Xander and Anya were sitting at the table, looking through some books. Giles was standing at a bookshelf nearby, and Willow and Tara were by the counter, discussing a book in front of them. They all looked up upon her arrival, but nobody said anything. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and sighed.

"Okay, Giles, go ahead. Give me the lecture," she said. "I was reckless and stupid and foolish and other words that'll make me feel like I'm three inches tall."

"I think you've got a fairly good grasp of the error in judgment that you made," he said calmly. "And your injury should serve as a temporary reminder."

"We're just glad you're still alive," Xander said, trying to be understanding and non-judgmental.

"Yes, because if you died then we wouldn't have a slayer to stop the demons from raising their demon god and overrunning the world," Anya said.

"Demon god? What'd I miss?" Buffy asked.

"Willow discovered other similar murders in the area," Giles said. "Four more, in fact."

"So five total," Buffy said. "Does that mean anything?"

"We weren't sure at first, but then Tara figured out each of the murders occurred on a location that represents one of the five spiritual elements," Willow explained. "Earth, air, fire, water and metal. The cemetery represented earth."

"Okay, I feel like I'm riding the short bus here," Buffy said. She glanced at Tara, but then quickly looked away, not able to bring herself to keep eye contact with her. Tara was avoiding eye contact as well. The two of them could feel the tension between them, but they did their best to not let it get in the way.

"The five locations are the points of a pentagram, like in the symbol we saw on the crypt," Tara explained. Oz, Xander and Anya moved their books off the table and Buffy saw there was a map spread out on it. The locations of the five murders had been marked and lines connected them to form a pentagram. A sixth marker was placed in the center of the map.

"So someone else is going to die in the center of the pentagram," Buffy guessed. Giles shook his head.

"We don't believe so," he said.

"This demon god, Parthos," Anya began to explain. "It's been rumored for centuries that it was buried deep in the earth near a hellmouth. There are a bunch of hellmouths all over the world, so nobody ever really knew where to look."

"Evil needle in a haystack," Xander commented.

"It's going to rise at the hellmouth," Buffy said. She looked closer and saw that the center location actually wasn't anywhere near the hellmouth. "Or not."

"The rumors said it was buried near the hellmouth," Willow said. "Not on it. The caves outside of town are close enough to work."

"When are they going to try to raise it? And how do I stop it?" Buffy asked. She didn't see it, but she could feel Tara scowling at her. She decided to correct herself. "How do _we_ stop it?"

"We're not sure on the when," Willow said. "We're still working on that."

"As for how to stop it, it should simply be a matter of killing the demons before they can perform the ritual," Giles said.

"Easier said than done," Tara said. She crossed her arms over her chest and shot daggers at Buffy with her gaze. This didn't go unnoticed by the others.

"They've gotta have some kind of weakness," Xander said. "We just need to find their kryptonite."

"You said you got away by starting a fire," Oz said to Tara.

"Yeah, I blocked the tunnel with it," she replied. "They didn't try to follow us."

"So we need flamethrowers," Xander said.

"There might be a spell we can do that would be like a flamethrower," Willow said. "Is there anything you noticed about the demons, Buffy?"

"Not really," Buffy commented. She noticed Tara was still staring at her. No more avoidance on her end. Buffy couldn't bring herself to look in that direction. "Just that they're strong. Really strong. And they really thrive on the teamwork."

"We'll keep researching Parthos and the demons, and I'll do my best to find out when this ritual will take place," Giles said.

"What if it's today?" Buffy asked.

"I'll work as quickly as possible," he replied. "We'll figure this out."

"And what happens if we don't?" Buffy asked. "What happens if Parthos rises?"

"Standard apocalyptic stuff probably," Anya said casually. "Destruction, fire, stealing souls, torment and torture."

"I don't have enough information on Parthos just yet to know for sure," Giles said.

"We'll stop it, Buffy," Willow said confidently. Buffy nodded her head and then sighed.

"I'm gonna go do some rehab," she said, gesturing to the training room. She couldn't stand being under Tara's gaze any longer. She retreated to the safety of her world and began stretching out. She was about to begin throwing punches at the large punching bag when Xander came in.

"So…what's up with you and Tara?" he asked, getting straight to his point.

"Nothing," she lied. He smiled and moved behind the punching bag to hold it while she hit it with every combination of punches she had in her repertoire.

"Okay. Now tell me the truth," he said. She glared at him and punched the bag harder. "The tension out there between you two was thick enough to cut with a chainsaw. It's been kinda thick with you two for a couple days."

"You don't know what you're talking about," she said.

"I think I do," he said. "I know you, Buffy. You're closing off, and I'll bet you anything Tara called you on it. I'll give her credit for getting up the nerve to do it."

"I'm closing off?" Buffy asked, scoffing at the comment. She punched the bag harder, causing Xander to stagger a little.

"Your mom's sick and you're doing the whole independent woman thing," he said. "It's understandable, but it's not what you need."

"Look, Tara tried to pull this same crap on me last night," Buffy said angrily. "So don't start."

"I knew it," Xander said with a smirk. Buffy reared back and punched the bag so hard it came off its chain and Xander fell back a couple feet, the bag landing on top of him. He took a moment to regain his composure as he pushed the bag away. Then he stood.

"What do you all expect me to do? Burst into tears and cry on her shoulder? I'm supposed to indulge her by making her feel useful? I don't have time for that," Buffy said angrily.

"It's not about making her feel useful. It's about making her feel like you really have a relationship," Xander explained. "It's about getting over your pride for two seconds and letting someone else in. It's about getting over your fear."

"My fear?" Buffy asked, confused and agitated. "What the hell are you talking about now? Did that bag hit you on the head?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Xander said. He paused a moment, knowing he was about to run into dangerous territory. "You let Angel in and he left. You let Parker in and he turned out to be the biggest creep in the world. Now here's Tara knocking on your door, but you're afraid to open it. You're afraid to let her in and lose her."

"And when did you become a psychiatrist?" Buffy asked, too proud to admit that Xander was pretty dead on with what he was saying.

"Okay, I'm no expert," he said. "My track record's worse than yours. But I've watched you over the years. I've seen you follow your heart and get burned. This time you're holding back because you know it'll burn worse than any time before. Because Tara's not like Angel and Parker. You know the only way Tara would leave you was if she died."

Buffy said nothing. All she could do was look down at the floor, starting to concede to what he was saying.

"Problem is that the times when it'll burn the worst are the times when it's worth the risk," he said. "Tara's the best thing to happen to you in, well, pretty much ever, in my opinion. She's beautiful, sweet and completely devoted to you. Not to mention how she kept you from becoming a Buffy-kabob last night. I'm probably risking life and limb saying this, but you're stupid if you're going to screw this up with her."

The two of them stood in silence, facing each other. Buffy simply tried to process everything he said. He wasn't wrong. But she wasn't sure how to change herself. She was used to the independence. It wasn't often she actually asked for help. Her friends helped, but never because she asked them to. They just did it. That's what she was afraid of. She wasn't asking for Tara's help, but she was getting it, no questions asked.

"Uh, hey," Oz said from the doorway. The two of them looked over. He pointed his thumb over his shoulder back into the shop. "Giles figured out when Parthos is going to rise."

"When?" Buffy asked. Oz's face only betrayed him slightly with a conveyance of worry.

"Tonight."

* * *

"Parthos is a form of basilisk," Giles explained to the group. "Pliny the Elder described the basilisk simply as a snake with a golden crown. By the Middle Ages it had become a snake with the head of a cock."

The girls all looked to Giles with raised eyebrows. Anya's gaze was accompanied by a smirk. Xander cleared his throat.

"Head of a what?" he asked. The others chuckled slightly.

"Good lord, do you always have to be so juvenile?" he asked, his tone agitated. "A rooster. The head of a rooster." He removed his glasses and began cleaning them as he often did when Xander made an inappropriate comment. "Anyway, according to legend, there are two species of the creature. The first kind burns everything it approaches, and the second can kill every living thing by simply making eye contact. Both species are so dreadful that their breath wilts vegetation and shatters stones."

"So, which kind is Parthos? Pyro or non-pyro?" Oz asked.

"Are we gonna need fire proof clothing?" Willow asked.

"Firemen wear rubber," Anya commented. It was innocent enough in her own mind, but the others—excluding Giles—had difficulty stifling their laughter.

"Why do I even bother?" he asked. He gestured with his glasses. "This is serious, you know. Parthos is rising tonight. Remember?"

"Okay, sorry Giles," Buffy said, clearing her throat and doing her best to stop her own laughter while the others had a harder time following suit. "We're done. Parthos…how do I kill it?"

"As far as I can tell, standard weaponry should work," he replied, replacing his glasses to return to his lecture mode. "Only problem is that you can't make eye contact with the demon. Parthos is the second kind of basilisk. If you make eye contact, it will annihilate you."

"Hence the Order of Annihilation," Oz commented.

"How's she supposed to kill it if she can't look at it?" Tara asked, concerned for Buffy's safety during battle.

"I've fought invisible girls before," Buffy said. "I think I can handle fighting something without seeing eye to eye with it."

"So we mount up and we kill this thing, right?" Xander asked.

"I'd prefer to stop the mesklars before they manage to raise Parthos," Giles said. "But weapons for everyone, yes. Tara, perhaps you and Willow could cast a grander version of the smoke screen spell you used to help Buffy escape last night. Give us a bit of advantage."

"Sure," Tara agreed. She glanced at Buffy, noticing the slayer's discomfort upon mention of the rescue. "Shouldn't be a problem."

"Yeah, we can change a few words and make it totally smoky," Willow said with a smile. "It'll be smoke-tacular."

"You're the smokiest," Oz commented, gripping Willow's hand affectionately.

"Yes, well, we should get to it then," Giles said. "We'll still need to locate the precise cave where Parthos is buried once we get there."

Xander and Anya stood to go collect weapons for everyone. Willow began mentioning books to Oz that she wanted to consult for spells other than just the smoke screen spell. Buffy and Tara simply looked at each other, holding eye contact for a moment. Tara couldn't read Buffy at the moment. She figured her own emotions were clouding her ability to sense what Buffy was feeling. Finally, without a word, she broke eye contact and stood to discuss spells with Willow. Buffy sighed and turned to Giles. Her relationship problems would have to wait. They had bigger demons to fry.

* * *

The group arrived at the caves in Oz's van and piled out, everyone toting a club, axe or sword of some kind. Willow and Tara had performed a locater spell, so they had a pretty good idea of where the demons were located. Buffy led the group and it wasn't long before they reached the cavern occupied by five ritual-performing demons. Buffy held her hand up, signaling for everyone to hold back for a moment. Then she turned back.

"Okay, Will and Tara, you're up," she said. "Let's get smoking."

The two witches stepped forward and were about to begin their chant when the ground and the cave walls around them began to shake. The entire group was suddenly very aware that they could get buried in a cave-in. A bright light appeared in the cavern within the center of the circle that the mesklar demons had formed for their ritual. It wasn't long before the light dissipated and a loud screech pierced the air.

The Scoobies watched in awe as Parthos appeared in full glory. As Giles described, it had the body of a snake with the head of a rooster, along with two arms with razor sharp claws. It wasted no time in demonstrating its power. After only a few moments it looked upon each of the mesklar demons, setting them all ablaze with the power of its gaze.

"Kinda ungrateful," Xander whispered. "After all they did for him…"

"I guess that saves us the trouble of killing the mesklar demons," Anya commented.

"Just leaves us with a really big chicken," Oz added.

"Willow. Tara. Best get that smoke screen going before Parthos spots us," Giles said.

The two of them knelt just at the edge of the tunnel and held their hands up with their palms facing Parthos. They chanted quickly and quietly, managing not to draw the attention of the demon until smoke began forming. The cave filled quickly with white smoke.

"Okay, all of you stay back," Buffy said. "This rooster's mine."

She could see Parthos' shadow in the smoke as it screeched and howled. Thanks to the smoke, it couldn't see Buffy well enough to use its power. She swung her axe in a high arc, bringing it down to hit Parthos near what could be considered its neck. She was shocked when she felt the axe practically bounce off the demon. Judging from the impact, she guessed that she only scratched it.

"Giles, I'm gonna need a sharper axe!" she shouted as she dodged a swipe of Parthos' claw.

The others jumped into action with their weapons, but Parthos' tail swung wide and knocked all of them backward into a pile. The smoke was starting to clear, and Buffy knew she didn't have much time before Parthos worked its power on her.

She fell to her back as Parthos loomed over her, and she tried not to look at the demon as she had been instructed. But it was hard to fight when she couldn't look at her opponent. She blocked a swipe of Parthos' claw and kicked her legs upward, hitting the demon in the chest and causing it to rear backward. She stood and jumped, hitting Parthos in the side of the head with a flying kick. It screeched loudly and swept its tail around, knocking her into the cave wall.

"It's a basilisk," Tara muttered as she and Giles got to their feet from where they had fallen earlier. She turned to him, suddenly remembering something she had read. "Mr. Giles, basilisks die if they see their reflection, right?"

"That is what the mythology says. Although, there's no confirmation on that. It's simply said they die of fright," he answered. He realized what Tara was getting at. "Buffy needs a mirror."

"And we've got one," Tara said.

She rushed out of the cave past the others, who were regrouping to help Buffy fight Parthos. When she got outside she ran the few yards to Oz's van and looked around. She found a thick tree limb and picked it up, using it to knock the driver's side mirror off the van. She picked up the mirror, relieved that she hadn't cracked it and then returned to the cave and the battle in progress. The entire group was swinging blindly with their clubs, swords and axes in an attempt to wound or deter Parthos from killing them all. None of them looked at the demon for fear of instant death. Tara saw Buffy was cornered, trying to crawl away from the demon and regain an advantage. When she stood, Tara called to her.

"Buffy!"

The slayer looked over and Tara tossed the mirror underhanded to her. Buffy caught it with ease, was confused for just a moment and then made an educated guess as to why Tara would give her a mirror. If they couldn't look at the demon, then it couldn't look at itself. As Parthos advanced on her, Buffy turned her head to the side and held the mirror toward the demon. An ear-piercing screech caused the others to drop their weapons and cover their ears. Buffy winced, but she didn't change her position, wanting to be sure Parthos was dead. The beast's cries echoed in the cave as it burst into flames. The others jumped backward and shielded themselves from the heat and brightness of the fire. After several moments, Parthos' painful cries ended and the fire was gone. They all looked over to see only a pile of black ash where the demon had stood.

"One order of rooster demon extra crispy," Xander said jokingly.

"Excellent thinking, Tara," Giles commented as they all gathered closer around the pile of demon ash.

"I just remembered something I read," she said with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Is that from my van?" Oz asked, looking at the mirror in Buffy's hands. Tara smiled apologetically.

"Yeah, sorry," she said. "We, um, needed a mirror."

Buffy tossed the mirror to Oz and he looked it over. "No problem. I can probably put it back on."

"So vampires don't have a reflection. Basilisks can't look at their reflection," Willow said, an incredulous smirk curling on her mouth. "Mirrors really do come in handy in this line of work."

The gang gathered their weapons and started to move out of the cave, chatting about the fight. As they walked, Buffy kept glancing over at Tara, knowing she was ready to take a risk.

* * *

The walk back to the dorm was dominated by silence. Tara and Buffy simply walked side-by-side, not even holding hands. Tara had the feeling Buffy was only escorting her home out of obligation. Buffy wasn't entirely sure what to say just yet.

"You saved my life again back there," she commented as they came to Tara's room. Tara opened the door and turned to face Buffy. "You're on a roll."

"Pretty much makes us even," Tara said. "Next time it's your turn."

"Goody," Buffy said with a less than enthusiastic tone. "I'm sure it won't take long for that to happen in this town."

"I-I know I can't force you to trust me," Tara said quietly out of the blue. "I, um, really don't know what else to do. So I'm just gonna back off. I'm done pushing."

Buffy sighed and stepped through the door to Tara's room, closing it behind her. Tara wasn't sure what Buffy was going to say.

"You can't change me. I'm not going to curl up and play the victim. I'm still me," she explained. Tara looked down at her hands and said nothing. "But you weren't entirely wrong. I was pushing you away, and not just because of my mom being sick. Things were getting too…between us it was...it was just too close. I got scared."

"Scared because you were close to me?" Tara asked, confused.

"Scared because I love you," Buffy said abruptly. Tara was shocked. Buffy's eyes widened and she suddenly felt very on the spot. "I, uh, I've…fallen in love with you. And-and it scared me and I was afraid that I would lose you."

"Why would you lose me?"

"Because it happens. I let people in. I let them get close. Then they go away. One way or another," she explained. "That's why I got so mad about you showing up in the cemetery. Even if you saved my life. I love you too much to let what I do get you killed. I mean, all the people…Jesse, Jenny, Kendra, Angel."

"Giles, Willow, Xander, Anya, Oz. They're all still here, and I know you love them," Tara said. She smiled a little. "Even Anya, in a way."

"Yeah, but I don't love them the way I love you," Buffy said. "Angel's the only other…and we know how fantastic that turned out."

"I'm not a vampire. I'm not cursed to lose my soul for any reason, and I love you, too," she said. She stepped forward and took Buffy's hands in hers. "I'm not going anywhere, and neither is your mom. None of us are. We're all staying put. I'm staying so put, I'm practically glued here."

"Glue, huh?" Buffy asked with a smile. "Could be fun."

Tara laughed, gave her a quick kiss on the lips and slipped her arms around Buffy's waist, pulling her close.

"I'm sorry I went off on you," Tara apologized. "The whole thing with you almost dying freaked me out, and I just kinda let loose."

"Don't apologize. I'm the one who should be sorry," Buffy said. She sighed. "You were reacting to me and all my tenseness. It just really surprised me. I don't blame you for being cranky with me."

"You gonna be okay?" Tara asked. Things seemed okay between them now, but she knew Buffy still had a lot ahead of her. "And no brave slayer stuff. I want Buffy without the slayer."

"You don't want Buffy without the slayer," she replied jokingly. "Buffy without the slayer is the Buffy you hated."

"Not anymore," Tara said. "Seriously. I want the truth. Especially with your mom's surgery tomorrow."

"The truth is…" Buffy began as she rested her arms on Tara's shoulders. "The truth is that I'll be okay. As long as you're there tomorrow."

"I'll be there tomorrow," Tara said. She kissed Buffy on the neck. "And the day after that." She kissed Buffy on the cheek. "And the day after that." Then she gave Buffy a long kiss on the lips. Buffy smiled when they separated. "So on and so forth."

"I like the so on and so forth," Buffy said. Tara smiled back.

"I thought you might."

Buffy sighed, thinking about their argument again. "God, I really was a bitch last night, wasn't I?"

"You really were," Tara agreed. Buffy scowled in a mockingly offended way.

"What's the psychology term for going back to old habits? Regression?" she asked.

"I wouldn't know," Tara answered mischievously. "I'm just an emotionally unstable English major."

"Ugh!" Buffy exclaimed. She leaned her head on Tara's shoulder momentarily to hide her embarrassment. When she looked up she was offering an apologetic smile. "Will you ever forgive me for my horrible talent of taking touchy subjects and using them as ammo?"

"You'll have to make it up to me," she replied with a coy grin.

Buffy responded by pulling her into an intense kiss. She guided Tara toward the bed until her legs hit the edge and she was forced to sit. They parted only long enough for Tara to scoot backward on the bed and Buffy to kneel over her. Then they resumed their kiss, Tara lying back on the bed and Buffy positioning herself over her. She leaned on her left elbow while running her right hand along Tara's neck.

As Buffy moved to kiss along Tara's neck, Tara massaged Buffy's hips with her hands. Slowly her left hand slid up Buffy's shirt, but as she approached her breasts, Buffy stopped what she was doing and gripped Tara's wrist to stop her. They were both breathing heavily as they made eye contact. Tara could see nervousness in her eyes. She could also see embarrassment. She understood.

"It's okay," she whispered. "It's okay."

Buffy sighed and flipped over onto her back. "God!"

"It's okay," Tara repeated. She sat up and rested her hand on Buffy's shoulder. "It wasn't a quick thing for me my first time, either."

"This shouldn't be so hard," Buffy said, her tone exasperated. "It's not like I don't...I can't think of any other woman that I would want to be my first. It's just...I don't know."

"It doesn't mean anything. It's not that important," Tara responded, trying to reassure Buffy. "Deena and I never even, you know, said 'I love you' to each other and we...well, we went far. It goes either way."

"Deena?"

"Ex."

"Right," Buffy said. She sighed and rested both her hands on her forehead. "We've been together for months and we haven't even...I mean, all we do is kiss and..."

"It's not a huge thing. It's not school. There's no deadline," she said with a chuckle. She lowered the tone of her voice and her face took on a mock serious scowl. "The final exam in lesbian sex is in two weeks."

"I think that class would have high enrollment," Buffy joked as she rested her arms on her stomach. Tara laughed and laid back down beside her, propping herself up on her left arm. She gently brushed a strand of hair away from Buffy's face with the back of her hand and the two made eye contact. "I really do love you."

"I know," Tara said quietly. They kissed softly and then Tara sighed. "What time is your mom's surgery?"

"She has to be at the hospital by seven tomorrow morning," Buffy replied quietly. She closed her eyes and exhaled, trying not to let herself cry. She was still falling back on that habit of keeping up walls. "God, they are actually going to be going into her head. They're going to see her brain. It seems so wrong. Brains aren't supposed to be seen. Unless they're demon brains on an axe, and really, I could do without that, too."

"Did your mom say anything about how the doctors thought the surgery would go?"

"She said they do this kind of thing a lot and that they seemed confident," she replied, looking up at the ceiling. "But I don't know. I have this horrible feeling in my gut. Like I ate too much pizza and tried to run a marathon. It just..."

Her voice wavered and she closed her eyes again, biting her lip. A few tears escaped and Tara gently wiped them away. She rested her hand on top of Buffy's and then gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"You're just scared. That's what that feeling is," Tara said, trying to reassure her. "It's normal."

Buffy's tears went unabated now. She couldn't stop them, whether she wanted to or not. "I don't know what I would do if I...there aren't a whole lot of people that I can't live without. Less than ten. She's one of them. A big one. If she..."

She couldn't bring herself to say it. Tara pulled Buffy over to her and coaxed her to lie next to her. Buffy rested her head on Tara's left shoulder and wrapped her arm around Tara's waist as Tara wrapped her arms around her and held her tight, doing her best to comfort her.

"Shhh. It'll be okay," she whispered as Buffy wept on her shoulder. The slayer cried herself to sleep in the young witch's arms, and Tara laid awake, hoping she could be strong enough for both of them.


	15. Not a Prediction

Buffy and Tara sat cross-legged on the sofa in the waiting room, their college algebra texts and notebooks between them. Dawn was reclined in a nearby chair reading a Teen People magazine. Suddenly Buffy grunted in frustration and threw her pencil down.

"I can't do this," she said. "X's and Y's and squared stuff. It's all too complicated."

"Don't give up. You'll get the answer," Tara said. She leaned forward slightly and looked at the problem Buffy was working on. Then she used her pencil as a pointer, tapping Buffy's notebook with the eraser. "You have to get x by itself. So to get rid of the 2 from 2x, you need to do what?"

"Erase it?" Buffy asked, half-serious.

"You divide both sides by two," Dawn said from behind her magazine. Buffy shot a glare at her little sister that went unnoticed.

"I was gonna say that," she said defensively before sighing in defeat. "Why do I need college algebra? I'm not gonna use this stuff."

"It's to get a well-rounded education," Tara said. Buffy raised an eyebrow in skepticism, noting how unconvinced Tara sounded. "Okay, yeah, it's stupid, but it's required. You can do it."

"No, I can't. And I'm gonna stage a protest in the Quad next week. Big anti-algebra rally. I'll make signs and everything. Ooh, and buttons," she said, firmly making her stance on the issue known.

"If I can do this, you can do this," Tara said. Buffy shook her head.

"You're way smarter than me. This has been well-established over many years," Buffy said. "One subject I'm good at is history. Especially our history."

"I almost failed trig in high school," Tara said. Buffy was visibly shocked by this news. She didn't think Tara could fail anything. "Only reason I passed is because Mr. Detmeyer is a big pervert."

"No arguments there, but how did that help you pass trig?"

"It was after everybody found out I was gay," she said with a smirk. "The whole lesbian thing got him off so he gave me a C-minus."

"Ew," Dawn said, finally lowering her magazine to shoot Tara a look that was a combination of disgust and disbelief.

"Yeah, but at least it didn't destroy my gpa before college," Tara commented with a shrug. She returned to pointing at Buffy's notebook while Dawn returned to her magazine. "Now, Buffy, if you divide both sides by two, what does x equal?"

"Uh, y minus 3," she said. She looked at the rest of the problem and started the gears in motion. "So…if I put y minus 3 in for x in the equation we started with I can get the answer for x and y."

"See, I told you could do it," Tara said with a smile. Buffy smiled triumphantly as she quickly figured out the numerical values of x and y. Then she dropped her pencil and looked to Tara in gratitude. A little bit of pride was mixed into her gaze as well. Tara became curious about her expression. "What?"

"You're gonna be an amazing teacher," the slayer said, reaching across their books to grasp Tara's hand.

The loving exchange was brief as the rest of the gang entered the waiting room. Willow, Oz and Xander were each carrying two To Go cups from the Espresso Pump while Anya carried her own. Oz and Willow handed their extra cups to Buffy and Tara while Xander handed his to Dawn.

"We did a quick patrol," Xander informed the trio. He spoke with a little bit of pride. "I almost slayed a vampire."

"Until Oz pointed out it was actually a life-size angel statue," Willow said with a smile. Xander became defensive.

"I swear that thing moved!"

"I hate that you guys are out there patrolling by yourselves. It's dangerous," Buffy said, concerned for her friends.

"Don't worry, Buffy," Willow said. "We know our limits. We wouldn't attempt anything slayer-like that could get us killed. Remember our motto from before? Don't get killed."

"So far, so good," Oz commented. "Obviously."

"Xander and I have practiced our running away technique many times," Anya said. "When we're done running away, we go back to our apartment and—"

"Watch Wheel of Fortune," Xander interrupted nervously. Anya shot him a confused glare. "You know An. She loves that Wheel."

"Any news about your mom?" Willow asked. Buffy shook her head.

"The doctor said this kind of surgery takes a long time," Tara said.

"But it's been all day," Dawn said with a pout. "I'm really getting tired of waiting. I just wanna see mom."

"So do I," Buffy said, offering Dawn an understanding smile. "Hopefully we'll know something soon. The longer the better, right? Means they're being extra careful fixing her up." She looked to Tara. "They were fast with your mom, right?"

"Uh, yeah," she replied quietly. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unnoticed by most of the group. "Couple hours."

"So if things weren't going well, they would've been out real quick like bunnies," Buffy said. Upon the glare she received from Anya, she corrected herself. "Or something else really fast."

Tara smiled at Buffy and gently rubbed the slayer's knee before she stood. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Sure," Buffy responded. She slammed her text shut. "We should take a break from algebra."

She excused herself and headed down the hall to the women's restroom where she splashed her face with cold water and then stared at herself in the mirror. She cried out in surprise when Xander's reflection appeared behind her. She spun around and glared at him.

"God, Xander, what are you doing in here?" she asked. "You know this is the women's room, right?"

"Yeah, I stole the 'closed for cleaning' sign and stuck it to the door," he said. "You looked like you could use a talk."

"No," Tara said, shaking her head. "I'm okay."

"Bad memories?" he asked, ignoring her denial. She scowled at him, not understanding how he could be so sure. "I saw how you reacted when Buffy asked about your mom."

Tara sighed and leaned back against the sink. "It's not her fault. I've been really open about it when she's asked me before. It's just, you know, here…"

"Makes it more vivid, live and in color," he said in understanding. "Maybe you should tell Buffy that."

"No, I don't wanna do that," she said adamantly. "I don't want her to worry about tip-toeing around me. She's got enough to worry about."

"Yeah, I guess she does," he agreed. "What about you? You got enough to worry about?"

"Huh?" Tara asked, clueless as to where Xander was going with this.

"It's just…you've been super supportive of Buffy…and Dawn and Joyce and everything," he said. "You've been like super woman lately, and I think the rest of us are kinda forgetting that you're just a regular person like us. Who's supporting you?"

"Buffy's got this fear of ending up alone. Even with all these people to support her, she's got that fear," Tara said. Xander nodded his head knowingly. "Thing is I know exactly what she's afraid of. I-I lived it. I was alone with my mother. I had no one to support me, and when she-she died, that was it. Solitary me."

"You're not solitary you anymore," he responded. "The thing with a group of friends is that there doesn't have to be one supporto person. We all support each other." He got a disturbed look on his face for a moment. "And I really need to steer this in a different direction because I'm getting bra images."

She looked down at the bathroom tile, wringing her hands in front of her. "I just don't want Buffy to truly know what it's like…her fear. I don't ever want her to experience that. It was horrible."

Xander stepped beside Tara and draped his arm around her shoulders. "And she won't because we're all here. Not just you. You don't have to do it all yourself. Don't be afraid to be a little selfish and actually have a problem of your own. Okay?"

"Sure," she agreed with a smile. "Buffy's lucky to have a friend like you."

"She sure is," he said with a smug smile. Then it turned into one of endearment. "You're on that luck train, too, you know."

She nodded her head to acknowledge that fact and then pushed away from the sink. "So, you ever been in a women's bathroom before?"

"Don't think so," he said as they headed for the door. "It's a lot cleaner than the men's room. I think I might start coming in here more often."

"Somehow I think the women of the world will have a problem with that," she responded as they headed back to the waiting room. They saw Buffy and Dawn hugging as a doctor walked away. Tara looked questioningly to the group. "What's up?"

Dawn pulled away from Buffy and tackled Tara in a bear hug, catching the witch off guard and causing her to stagger. "Mom's gonna be okay! He said everything was perfect."

"Oh, that's great, sweetie," Tara said, relief washing over her as she returned Dawn's hug under the amused and relieved gaze of Buffy. Finally the teenager released her grip and Tara moved over to embrace Buffy.

"You know, if this wasn't the best news ever, I would be getting annoyed by this whole you being right all the time thing," Buffy said sarcastically. Tara laughed and stepped back, holding her hand.

"Okay, next time there's something to be right about, I'll try to let you have a turn at it," Tara said. "So, you guys are gonna get to see her soon?"

"Yeah, he said it'd be like a half hour," Buffy replied. Then she addressed the group. "You know as soon as Dawn and I get in there, we'll probably be here all night, or at least until they make us leave by force. You guys can all go." She noticed a concerned look begin to creep onto Tara's face and added, "And this is not me pushing people away, this is just me knowing that all of you would really rather be somewhere that's not here."

"You're sure?" Tara asked, still willing to stay as long as Buffy needed. The slayer nodded her head and ran her hand gently up and down Tara's arm.

"Yeah, we'll be fine," she said. "I know you thought I didn't notice, but I know this is all rough for you. You know, the hospital and the everything. Your mom. I want you to get out of here and forget all this stuff for a little bit. Do something you love. Like read some Shakespeare or something crazy like that."

Tara smiled and gave Buffy a quick peck on the cheek. "Okay, I will. You'll say hi to your mom for me?"

"Absolutely, and I'll see you tomorrow," she replied. She kissed Tara on the lips. "I love you."

"I loved you first," Tara said with a smile as she backed away. Xander gave Dawn and Buffy quick hugs before the whole group filed away, chatting animatedly about the good news. As they exited, Tara shot one glance back at Buffy, the two of them exchanging a smile before they were out of each other's sight.

* * *

A couple weeks passed and life more or less returned to normal. Everyone was healthy and happy. Random demons here and there did little to disturb any of them. Joyce had even been asked on a date, much to Buffy and Dawn's chagrin at first. Dawn's initial reaction had been to squeal in horror, "Moms don't date!" Once the initial mortification had passed, the girls warmed up to the idea, seeing how happy their mother was to even have the date. Along with Willow and Tara, the girls helped Joyce pick out an appropriate dress to wear and answered any questions she had about appropriate dating protocol. Having been out of the dating game for so long, the older woman was more than a little nervous about how to act.

"I still don't understand why you don't want to celebrate your birthday," Tara said as she and Buffy walked into the Magic Box. They had just left Joyce to her own devices before her date and were now moving on to other topics that Buffy seemed adamant to avoid.

"Okay, let's do the Buffy party rundown, shall we?" Buffy said sarcastically. Giles nodded his head in greeting to the two women as they sat at the table. "Arm in a box tried to strangle me, Angel lost his soul, zombies, no slayer powers while locked in a house with a psychotic vampire and last year I almost killed Giles when he turned into a demon."

Tara looked over at Giles curiously.

"It was temporary. Long story," he said, still embarrassed that he had ever left himself vulnerable to Ethan Rayne's magic.

"Parties and birthdays in Sunnydale tend to go crazy," Buffy continued.

"It doesn't have to be a party," Tara said. "Just a little thing, the-the Scoobies and your family. All of us get together at your house, you get presents and cake. Plenty of fun."

"That sounds very much like a party," Buffy said with a raised eyebrow.

"It's just a gathering of your close friends to celebrate the day you came into existence," Tara said with a scowl. "In w-what crazy dictionary is that a party?"

"Every dictionary," Buffy said. She shot Tara a playful smile and they kissed briefly before Tara turned to Giles.

"Mr. Giles, what do you think? Don't you think there should be a party?"

"Well, Buffy's history aside, birthdays are always an excellent time to unwind and just enjoy yourself," Giles said. "It's good to celebrate."

"See, he's on my side," Tara said.

"Giles is always on your side," Buffy said, shooting a look at her watcher. "It's like the Giles and Tara team. And actually when it comes to parties in my honor, my friends tend to forget history and go with it. They don't seem to learn."

"It'll be fun and free of craziness. Well, bad craziness, anyway," Tara said. "I promise."

Buffy reached over and laced her fingers between Tara's. "If you promise."

"Besides, your mom really wants to do something, too," Tara continued. "After everything that's been going on, she wants lots of happiness and stuff."

"All right, I agreed already," Buffy said in defeat. "You don't have to pull out the mom card."

"Just wanted to make sure, in case you were thinking about changing your mind," Tara said with a grin. Buffy shook her head.

"Nope. No mind-changing," she said. "I like my mind the way it is."

"Good," Tara said. Then a playful scowl creased her brow. "Now, what to get you for a present. I was thinking maybe The Canterbury Tales or maybe a collection of poetry. Oh! The complete works of Franz Kafka."

"You know I'd hate for you to spend so much money on books that you know I'd love since those sound like they're all hard to find," Buffy said, playing along. "I could probably live with, you know, jewelry or clothes. Don't spend too much time looking for just the right book. It's totally the thought that counts."

"Well, then I better put a lot of thought into this," Tara said. "But on the topic of present buying, I need to go do that. Xander said he needed girly assistance, since you're girly and he's not. His phrasing, although he was more defensive about it."

Buffy chuckled as Tara stood. "Just remember I like all things shiny and frilly…and sometimes in combo."

"I'll remember that," Tara said with a smile. She leaned over and kissed Buffy briefly before waving goodbye to Giles and leaving the shop. Buffy didn't notice Giles shaking his head as he observed her watching Tara's departure a little too intently.

* * *

Buffy sat on the sofa, flanked on either side by Willow and Tara. Wrapping paper and ribbons littered the floor at her feet while assorted already unwrapped gifts covered the coffee table and the others watched her tear into a present marked as being from Xander. Willow, Tara and Xander all had mischievous grins on their faces as Buffy lifted the lid to the clothing box. Her eyes widened and she quickly slammed the lid down again.

"Xander!" she exclaimed in shock. Most of the others remained confused. Dawn moved over, seemingly to lift the lid of the box, but Buffy had a death grip on it so no one else saw the contents.

"What is it?" the younger Summers asked curiously.

"Nothing you need to see," Buffy said sharply before returning her appalled gaze back to Xander.

"Tara said you liked all things shiny and frilly. So we agreed you'd look great in that," he said. This caused Buffy's gaze to fall on her girlfriend next to her.

"You what?" she asked. Tara laughed and couldn't keep up the ruse any longer.

"Sweetie, put your eyes back in your head," she said, rubbing the slayer's shoulder. "It's a gag gift."

"That's not your real present," Willow added amidst her own laughter. Buffy's posture relaxed a little, although her eyes were still very wide.

"Thank god," she said, turning back to Xander. "Because you were moving into very inappropriate territory."

Xander reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope, which Buffy gratefully accepted. Tara took the box containing the gag gift and placed it behind her on the couch.

"I think we'll hang onto that," she said quietly to Buffy, who blushed slightly as she tore into the envelope and pulled out a gift certificate.

"A certificate for a manicure and pedicure," she said with a pleased smile. "Much better. Very friend appropriate."

"You know, I figured you're breaking nails all the time fighting the demons and vampires," he said. "Might as well make them all nice and pretty before next time."

"Yes, I'm sure the vamps will really appreciate a French manicure before I turn them to dust," Buffy said in mock seriousness. She looked around, seeing that there appeared to be no more presents. "Oh, no more? Darn. Maybe we should've invited more people."

"And that pouting would be the universal signal for cake time," Joyce said with a smile as she began to retreat to the kitchen.

"Oh yay!" Buffy said happily. "Sugar with my name on it."

"Literally," Oz commented.

Joyce returned with the cake and Buffy blew out her candles after a fairly off-key rendition of happy birthday coming from most of those present. The main exceptions were Giles and—much to Buffy's surprise—Tara, who was harmonizing with the watcher. Once the cake had been doled out, Giles and Joyce retreated to the kitchen to allow the younger attendees their space to have their fun.

After a while, Tara excused herself to get a drink refill. She entered the kitchen to find Joyce and Giles chatting and sipping wine. They smiled at her presence, but Tara stopped short. She stared at Joyce, and the two others immediately were concerned. They could see shock and fear in Tara's gaze.

"Tara, is something wrong?" Joyce asked. Tara took a moment to find her voice.

"Are you feeling okay, Mrs. Summers? I-I mean, Joyce," she stammered. Joyce had insisted long ago that Tara drop the formalities and call her Joyce. She said Mrs. Summers made her feel old.

"Fine," Joyce said in confusion. Then she smiled and gestured with her wine glass. "I mean, the wine might just be getting to me, but otherwise…"

"Why do you ask, Tara? That seemed a little out of the blue," Giles observed.

"It's just…" she trailed off and looked over her shoulder. The others were all still out in the living room enjoying the party. "Can-can we talk out back?"

"Sure," Joyce said. She was becoming more confused by the second. Giles was right there with her.

"Both of us?" he asked.

"Uh, no…well, I guess…it-it doesn't matter," Tara said. She led them out onto the back deck and Giles closed the door behind them. Tara turned to them and saw two expectant faces. "One of the things I can do, as a witch, is that I can see auras."

"Of course, that tends to be a common power," Giles said. Tara nodded her head.

"You see auras?" Joyce asked. "Like you see how people are feeling?"

"Yeah," Tara answered. "But something happened a while ago where I saw a relative who-who didn't have an aura. I was about ten. It was my Aunt Doris. It scared me because I had seen everyone's auras all my life. I'd never seen somebody without one. Then a day later, Aunt Doris, um, died of a stroke."

"I assume there's a point to this story," Giles said, both confused and intrigued.

"I realized later that, um, in people I care about, I can see when they're going to die soon. Their aura goes away. It's not always definite. Sometimes it's like-like a flicker. Like a bad light bulb. But when it's gone…it's gone. It happened with my mom. The day she died, her aura was gone," Tara said. She paused and swallowed hard. Her voice wavered slightly when she looked at Joyce. "Just like yours is now."

Joyce and Giles stood in stunned silence. Giles looked at Joyce as if he was attempting to see her aura.

"I think maybe you should go back to your doctor," Tara said. "Usually it happens within 24 hours. Maybe he can, you know, find something. Maybe it can be stopped."

"You're wrong. It's a mistake," she said, her voice wavering. There were tears in her eyes, but she had an angered expression on her face. "It's just too dark. That's why you can't see it."

"Lighting doesn't matter," Tara said, saddened that she had to tell Joyce this. "I can see them in light or dark. You don't have one."

"I'm telling you, you're wrong. I feel fine," Joyce argued. "The doctor said I was fine just last week."

"Maybe it doesn't have to do with the tumor, but something's going to happen to you," Tara continued. She didn't know what else to do. She didn't want Joyce to die. She had prevented it from happening once before. "Just start with the doctor."

Joyce shook her head.

"Maybe you should," Giles said finally, agreeing with Tara. Joyce shook her head.

"Well, if I have no aura is there really any preventing it?" she asked. Tara could tell by her tone that she was still not believing this. "What's the point in trying?"

"I've stopped it before. Once," she said. "When I was with my first girlfriend in high school, her aura disappeared. I trusted her enough to tell her about it and that she'd believe me. She went to the doctor and he found a blood clot on her brain. If she hadn't gone to see him, she would've had an aneurysm and died. He took care of it and her aura came back. Please, see your doctor."

"And what am I supposed to tell him? That my daughter's girlfriend predicted I was going to die?"

"It's not a prediction, it's the truth," Tara said bluntly. Joyce turned and started to go back inside. "Joyce, I've seen it too many times for it not to be true."

Joyce paused at the door, shook her head and then went inside. She hurried up to her bedroom before anyone else saw her. Outside, Giles turned to Tara, his eyes filled with concern.

"Tara, are you absolutely sure about this?" he asked.

"I'm positive," she said. "I've only prevented it that one time. Every other time, it happened."

"Then tell Buffy," Giles said. He saw Tara's skepticism and shook his head. "I know you don't want to, but if anybody is going to convince Joyce to see her doctor, it's Buffy."

Tara sighed and agreed with him. She would have to tell Buffy. They started to walk inside and she looked over at Giles with a sad smirk.

"So much for a craziness-free party."

* * *

Blank eyes stared at the floor. Everyone was silent. Dawn and Buffy sat beside each other on the sofa. Giles had protested Dawn's presence, but Tara, who had become quite close to Dawn, knew how much the youngest Summers girl despised being treated like a child. She had just as much right to know as Buffy.

The others were still trying to grasp the gravity of the situation. Xander and Anya stood by the fireplace. Willow sat on the opposite side of Buffy from Dawn while Oz rested on the arm of the sofa beside Willow. Amazingly, the commonly stoic werewolf was the first to speak.

"So, you could just walk out the door, see someone and, like, know they're going to die if they don't have an aura?" he asked.

"No, not just anybody," Tara explained. "It has to be somebody I care about. It's never happened with a stranger."

"And you're sure Joyce doesn't have an aura?" Xander asked. Tara nodded her head.

"But you said you've saved someone once before," Willow said, pointing the conversation toward its intended purpose. "So it's not a definite."

"She saved someone _once_," Anya interjected, putting the pessimistic spin on the situation. "How many people have you seen lose their auras?"

"Too many to count," Tara replied quietly. It was the truth. Even with this frightening power, she continued to open herself to people. She was very shy, but once someone met her, she began caring for them. Even Deepak, the boy she had spent her first college New Year's Eve with, had qualified.

"So, one person saved out of a whole bunch more people who weren't," Anya said.

"All it takes is one time to know it can be prevented, Anya," Giles said, trying to inject some hope into the conversation.

"You've tried to stop it every time, right?" Xander asked. "And you only stopped it once."

"I tried to stop it almost every time. The first few times, I didn't understand it," Tara explained. She paused, thinking about the one time she intentionally didn't try to stop it. "And with my mother…I saw it, but there was no helping her. She-she was sick, in pain."

Buffy and Dawn had said nothing. Tara sat on the coffee table in front of them and looked at them pleadingly.

"You have to talk her into seeing her doctor," she said. "She'll listen to you."

"Especially you, Buffy," Giles said. "She trusts your opinion on these matters."

"She wouldn't listen to you, Giles," Buffy responded. "What makes it any more believable coming from me?"

"You're her daughter," he replied.

"He's right, Buffy," Willow said. "At the very least, you can guilt her into going to make you and Dawn feel better."

Buffy sighed and looked into Tara's sad and sympathetic eyes. She knew Tara wished she was wrong. The one person in the room who knew the pain of losing a parent was the one person who had to deliver that pain to the woman she loved.

"You're sure about this?" Buffy asked her, wanting to see in Tara's eyes as she said it.

"I am," she replied quietly, not breaking eye contact with Buffy.

Buffy looked over to Dawn, who had been silent the entire time. When she felt Buffy looking at her, Dawn blinked and spoke finally.

"I trust Tara," she said. "I wanna help mom."

Buffy gave Dawn's shoulders a comforting squeeze and then stood, pulling her sister with her. "Then let's go."

* * *

Joyce had insisted on going to the doctor alone. Dawn had school and Buffy had class. She didn't want her daughters pushing off their education for this. When the two Summers girls arrived home that afternoon, Joyce hadn't returned from her appointment yet. But the entire gang was there to meet them and find out if there was any news. There were no messages on the machine so they all sat in the living room in an awkward silence.

"We could play a word game," Anya suggested. Xander sighed. Anya noticed the looks on everybody's faces. They were annoyed with her. "What? It could be fun and distracting. Or we could play Monopoly. That's a very enjoyable game."

Xander was about to explain to Anya that nobody wanted to play a game when the phone rang. Buffy leapt up from the sofa and grabbed the phone after the first ring. Dawn and Tara both stood, moving over to stand by Buffy.

"Mom, hi. What'd the doctor say?" Buffy asked. She noticed everybody watching her and interrupted Joyce. "Actually, the gang's all here. It'll save me some breath if I put you on speaker phone."

Buffy did so and everyone listened as Joyce spoke about the results from the doctor.

"Clean bill of health," she said. They all could hear the relief in her voice. However, Giles and Tara exchanged a look, knowing that if it wasn't Joyce's health that was going to kill her there was still something else. "The doctor was confused, but he ran every test he could think of and there's nothing wrong with me."

"Thank god," Buffy said with a sigh of relief. She hugged Dawn and then noticed the worried look on Tara's face.

"Joyce, where are you right now?" Giles asked.

"I'm about to leave the doctor's office," she replied. "Why?"

"You should come straight home," he suggested. "If Tara still can't see your aura when you get here, that means there may still be some danger to your life."

"Please, drive carefully," Tara added.

"Okay, I will," Joyce said, her momentary relief being replaced with worry again. She hung up her cell phone and Buffy turned to the gang.

"You know, you all don't have to wait here," she said. "I can call you after mom gets back if there's anything you might be able to help with."

"Nah, that's okay, Buff," Willow said. "We wanna wait. Because if Tara does see your mom's aura when she gets back, I wanna be here to go 'Woo hoo.'"

"Yeah, me too," Oz said with a slight grin. Willow smiled and squeezed his hand.

"So this means more waiting," Anya said, feeling awkward. "Waiting in horrible silence."

Dawn noticed that Anya wasn't very pleased with Willow volunteering the entire group to stay and wait. She offered to distract Anya.

"I'll play a word game with you, Anya," she said. "It actually might help me with my English homework."

"Okay," Anya said with a smile. Dawn motioned for Anya to follow her to the dining room where her school books were.

"I'll join you," Oz said, following the two. "I like word games."

"Oz playing a word game?" Xander asked sarcastically. He also followed into the dining room. "This I gotta see."

The four remaining members of the group smiled and decided they couldn't resist the fun. They all went into the dining room, hoping this game would momentarily ease their tension until Joyce returned home.


	16. Things Fall Apart

Anya's game had turned into an all out tournament. The entire group had begun playing and they had completely lost track of time. When the phone rang a half hour after the game had started, Buffy looked at her watch.

"Mom's not back yet," Dawn said, finally realizing what nobody had noticed.

"Maybe that's her," Willow said, gesturing to the phone as Buffy went to answer it. "Maybe she got stuck in traffic."

"This is Sunnydale, Will," Xander said. "There is no traffic."

"Hello," Buffy answered. The others were silent as she listened to the person on the other end. They watched the expression on her face change to one of confusion. Then tears started to form in her eyes. She shook her head and the phone started to slip from her hand. Giles quickly grabbed it and took over the conversation. Tara could see Buffy's aura radiating sorrow. She moved over to her and wrapped her arm around her waist. When Giles finished the phone conversation, he looked sadly to everyone. Then he focused on Dawn.

"There was an accident," he said, his voice shaking as he spoke. "Your mother's car…she was hit by a truck. She was killed."

"No," Dawn said, shaking her head. Tears quickly filled her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. Willow, who was sitting next to her, quickly took Dawn into her arms. Buffy was too much in shock to think about her sister. Then the slayer looked up angrily and pushed Tara away.

"You. This is your fault!" she shouted. Everyone was stunned. Tara didn't know what to say. "She was fine. The doctor said she was fine. She was on her way home. You and your stupid auras."

"I-I don't understand," Tara said. She wasn't alone in her confusion.

"Understand this," Buffy said in a growling tone. "If you hadn't told her she was going to die, she never would've gone to the doctor today, and she never would've been where she was to get hit by that truck."

Tara looked down at the floor. It was a point that never would have occurred to her. Normally Joyce would have been at work at this time of day. She would have been safe at the gallery. Instead she was driving home from a doctor's appointment that Tara had asked Buffy to convince Joyce to go to. She wondered if the one time she had saved her girlfriend in high school had been a fluke, if all the times she had tried to save her loved ones she had actually caused their deaths somehow.

"You said you were sure," Buffy said sharply. "I trusted you."

"She said she was sure that Joyce would die," Anya said. Buffy glared at her and Anya spoke cautiously. "She wasn't sure she could save Joyce. She said that she didn't know how it happened."

"Anya, shut up and stay out of this!" Buffy shouted.

"I'm just saying—"

"Well, don't," Buffy interrupted. She turned back to Tara who was staring down at the floor. Nobody noticed as Buffy's eyes flared with fresh accusation. "Did you plan this?"

"What?" Tara asked, looking up in shock.

"Did you make up all this aura crap? Is this payback?"

Nobody could believe what they were hearing. Buffy was getting into insane conspiracy theory territory.

"You weaseled your way into my family, into my life. You don't have a mom, so you took mine away," Buffy said, stepping toward Tara. The young witch backed up a step. That was a low blow and it hurt her to hear Buffy say that. "Was this all a set up?"

"Are you kidding? Do you really think I wanted your m-mom dead?" Tara asked. "_You_ approached _me_ in class that day."

"Or so you'd have me believe," Buffy said. She took another step and Tara backed up again. She was nearly backed against the wall. "Maybe I'm not even in love with you. Maybe you cast a spell to make me love you. Is that it?"

"Buffy, stop for a second and think about what you're saying," Xander said, trying to help Tara out. "Tara loves you and Dawn and your mom. She wouldn't want to hurt any of you."

"Yeah right," Buffy said. Suddenly she shoved Tara up against the wall roughly and shouted at her. Giles, Oz and Xander hurried over and struggled to get Buffy off of the frightened witch. "Who are you? Huh? What do you want from us?"

The three men pulled Buffy off and Tara stood there, her eyes wide with fear. She watched as they dragged Buffy backward. Giles looked to Tara.

"I think it would be best if you left, Tara," he said.

It wasn't an order or demand. He believed Tara. Buffy was literally insane with grief. He was looking out for Tara's safety. Right now she was Buffy's scapegoat and there was no telling what the slayer would do if Tara stuck around. She understood that and looked between Buffy and Dawn, who was sobbing in Willow's arms through all of this. She spoke in a whisper as she backed to the door.

"I'm sorry."

She left the house quickly, wiping at her tears as she walked. The doubts Buffy had planted were swimming around in her mind. She wasn't sure what to believe anymore. Part of her thought Buffy was right. Guilt was winning out.

* * *

Buffy had never been to a funeral where it didn't rain, not until she went to her mother's funeral. The sun shined down on all of the mourners as the preacher recited the typical 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' passages. As the casket was lowered into the ground and the dirt was thrown on top of it, Dawn leaned heavily against Buffy, sobbing. Buffy held her sister loosely, staring at the dirt on the wood six feet below.

The funeral ended and everyone conveyed their condolences to Buffy and Dawn before they filed off to their cars. In her will, Joyce had requested no wake. The Scoobies were the last remaining. Dawn was to go with Willow to spend the night. She had felt uncomfortable around Buffy. Ever since Buffy had attacked Tara and blamed her for their mother's death, Buffy had been cold, detached. Dawn didn't like being around her like that. Buffy simply nodded her head as everyone left. She assured them she would be okay and that she just wanted to stay at the cemetery a little longer. Oz, Willow and Dawn were the last to leave and she stood beside the grave, staring down at the dirt, wishing she didn't feel so utterly alone.

Night fell and she didn't even notice. He walked up beside her and stood quietly for a moment. She knew he was there but she said nothing. He broke the silence.

"Sorry I couldn't come sooner," he said. She reached over and took his hand gently.

"I'm glad you came."

They sat by a nearby oak tree and Buffy rested heavily against Angel. He simply listened while she talked, venting her feelings.

"It was brutal," she said, describing the funeral. "Dawn's a mess. Everything's a mess, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get through this. I fight demons, sure, but when it came to the real life stuff, mom was the slayer."

"You'll figure it out."

"I don't think so," she said skeptically.

"You will. If there's one thing I know about you, it's that you're a fighter, and not just a fighter of demons," he explained. "When you went to LA that one summer, you were on your own. You took care of yourself."

"Not the best example," she said ruefully.

"You survived."

"I have to do more than survive," Buffy said in frustration. "I have to take care of Dawn. I want her to be able to do everything she would be able to do if mom was still around."

"She will," Angel said confidently. "You'll figure it out."

"How can I when I could barely get through today?" she asked. "And the one person I wanted here most of all wasn't here."

"Tara," Angel said.

When Willow told him about Buffy and Tara, he had been shocked to say the least. It was the last thing he had expected to hear. But the more Willow talked about the two women together, the more Angel could tell that it was the right thing for Buffy. She had sounded really happy with this girl, and that's what he wanted for her. No matter what happened between him and Buffy, all he really wanted for her was for her to be happy. Then Willow had explained the accusations Buffy had made. He understood why Tara hadn't come to the funeral. He honestly would be surprised if the poor girl was still in Sunnydale.

"I drove her away just like I drive everyone away. God, the things I said to her," Buffy said, appalled at herself when she remembered what she had done. "I accused her of planning my mom's death. I was out of my mind."

"You were hurting. I'm sure Tara understood that," he said, hoping he was right about that. He didn't know Tara, but he was hoping she would react to Buffy's insane accusations the same way he would have reacted. "She's giving you some space. I'm sure she'll come around."

"Everything's so messed up," Buffy said quietly.

"Things will work out," Angel reassured her. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"Oh."

* * *

Tara hated going to the cemetery after sunset, but she wanted to make sure everyone was long gone. She didn't want to run into Buffy for fear of more of Buffy's accusations. As she walked toward Joyce's grave she looked up and stopped abruptly, moving to hide herself partially behind a statue. She saw Buffy sitting against a tree near the grave. She was sitting with a man who had no aura. Tara knew instantly who he was. A man she had never met who had no aura could only be a vampire, and Tara knew the only vampire Buffy would sit like that with was Angel. Her heart sank at this realization and she turned, not able to face Buffy now.

When she got back to her room she couldn't concentrate on anything. She tried to read and do school work. All she could do was turn on her stereo and sit in the chair by the window, staring out at the moon as Ani DiFranco played from her speakers.

_it's rock paper scissors as to whether  
I will get over you at all  
it's hand against hand and both hands are mine  
it's standing in a circular line  
which is not to say that I'm not also happy  
a happy meal with a surprise inside  
surprise surprise here's another bright light in your eyes  
exposing all the stuff you're not calculating enough to hide_

The image of Angel and Buffy sitting together was burned into her brain. She had never been attracted to a man before, but she wasn't stupid. She knew Angel was very attractive. Most girls would swoon over him and be extremely jealous that Buffy won his eternal love. And there she had been, sitting with him like they had never been apart, like he had never left her behind.

_"Maybe I'm not even in love with you."_

Buffy's words echoed in her mind, creating fresh tears to sting at the corners of her eyes. She remembered what Spike had said about Angel and Buffy, about how if it weren't for the gypsy curse they would be together. Buffy didn't love her; she was settling. Buffy's true love could never be with her. Tara was the consolation prize.

_this melancholy that I carry makes me feel so grown up  
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation  
I never thought I'd see the day when I would say I give up  
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations  
I do not want to know you this way  
surrounded by so much pain  
but how am I supposed to let go of you this way  
like a bird into the sky of my brain?_

She barely even noticed as sunrise neared. All she could think about was Buffy, sitting with Angel, probably telling him that Joyce's death was all Tara's fault. The more she thought about it, the more Tara knew that she had some responsibility in Joyce's death. She was a lightning rod for dead mothers. No sooner did she fall in love with Buffy than Joyce died. She knew she couldn't stay in Sunnydale.

_I think I could accept all these dark colors  
as just part of some bigger color scheme  
if it wasn't for the drippy string quartet of sadness  
underscoring each smiling scene  
desire drags me right out of myself  
a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal  
and I'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side  
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole_

A knock on the door startled her. It was so early, she had no idea who could possibly be visiting her. She moved to the door and opened it. She recognized Angel from the cemetery and was stunned to see him standing in her doorway.

"You're Tara, right?" he asked. He had a slip of paper in his hand with her name and room number on it.

"Yeah, and you're Angel," she said quietly.

"How'd you know that?" he asked.

"I have my ways," she responded. "I saw you at the cemetery…w-with Buffy. What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Buffy," he said.

"It's close to sunrise," she mentioned, gesturing to the window.

"There's sewer access in the basement," he said. "You don't have to worry about me."

"I wasn't," she said. He noticed she was very edgy. He could understand why.

"Buffy and I were just talking in the cemetery," he said. "There's nothing that could happen between us." Tara just stared at him, waiting for some reason for his presence. "Can I come in? Or are we going to have this conversation in the hall?"

She sighed, not really wanting to talk to him. She turned away from the door and he was confused.

"You actually have to say it," he said as she bent down to reach under her bed. When she stood and turned, he realized what she was doing. In her hands she had a small crossbow and a large wooden cross. She stepped into the sunlight that was starting to shine through the window.

"Come in."

He entered her room and looked around, sticking to the shadows and avoiding the sunlight. He gestured to the crossbow. "You know how to use that thing?"

"Buffy taught me," she said as she leveled the crossbow so it was aimed at his chest. "So, um, what exactly did you come here for?"

"Buffy needs you," he said.

"Right," Tara said, a bitter tone filling her voice. She looked down at the floor. "I doubt that. After all, she's got you."

"She and I are never going to be together. There's nothing left but friendship between us," he explained. "I'm out of the picture. You're not."

"She hates me. She thinks I'm responsible for her mom's death. She's right."

"It was a car accident. Willow explained to me what happened," he said. "And Buffy doesn't blame you."

"It doesn't matter," Tara said dejectedly. Then she glared at him. "And what do you care? Why did you bother coming here?"

"I care about Buffy. I will always love her, but that's not going to change the situation between us. Nothing can," he said. "I want her to be happy. You make her happy."

"How do you know that?"

"I can tell by the way her face looked when she talked about you," he said. He sighed and looked down at the floor. "I saw that look on her face once. There was a day when Buffy came to see me in L.A., and for a day, I became human. We were together. We were normal. I had never seen her that happy about being with someone and I haven't seen it since…until now."

"You w-were human? What happened?"

"Not important. I'm not human anymore, and Buffy doesn't know that day happened. She is not going to know that day happened," he said sharply. Tara hesitated and then nodded her head in a silent agreement. "My point is that during that day I got to see Buffy in a normal relationship. She felt safe. And she feels that way with you."

"I'm safe," Tara repeated, not really believing everything Angel was saying. He saw she was skeptical.

"She loves you. Whether you trust or believe anything else I've said, trust that," he said. He moved toward the door, having said everything he had come to say. "Take care of her."

He left without another word and Tara watched as he closed the door behind him. She was surprised that Angel would encourage their relationship, but what he said made sense. He just wanted Buffy to be happy. She had a feeling he knew well what made Buffy happy. Tara knew anything that resembled a normal life made Buffy happy. Anything that was not related to her slayer duty made her happy. She just couldn't believe that Buffy needed her. How could anybody _need _her? Tara hadn't felt that important to one person since her mother died. Somehow, she had become that important to Buffy.


	17. Let Me Be a Dream

Dawn opened the front door and was surprised to see Tara there. Tara could see the sadness in Dawn's eyes and in her aura. It was obvious that she had been crying a lot. She looked accusingly at Tara.

"You weren't there yesterday," she said. Tara nodded her head.

"I know. I'm sorry," she apologized. "I-I wanted to be there, I just…"

"Yeah," Dawn said understandingly. She hadn't expected Tara to be at the funeral, but she was still disappointed that she hadn't come. "She needed you to be there."

"Is she here?" Tara asked nervously. Dawn nodded her head and stepped back, allowing Tara to step into the foyer. Dawn closed the front door.

"She's up in her room. I think she might be asleep," she replied. "I think she was out all night last night."

"Oh, I should come back…maybe," Tara said. She saw the lonely, sorrowful look in Dawn's eyes. "Unless you want me to stay."

"You don't have to," Dawn said. She wasn't very convincing. "I'm okay."

Tara took Dawn's hand without a word and led her to sit on the sofa in the living room.

"You don't have to be all brave with me, Dawnie," Tara said. "I know you're not okay."

"How did you…deal with it? How'd you deal after your mom died?" Dawn asked quietly.

"I tried to self-destruct," Tara replied. "I started acting differently and-and dressing differently. I got a fake ID. I would stay out all night and hitchhike to bars. I did everything I could to dig myself into a hole that I hoped to never get out of."

"I can't see you doing that stuff," Dawn said, trying to imagine Tara dressing in revealing clothes and going to bars.

"I turned into a different person because I-I didn't have anybody who cared enough to help me through it," Tara explained. "I was trying to escape the life that I had been left behind to live. I felt like my mother abandoned me. So I wanted to abandon everyone else."

"What got you to stop self-destructing?" Dawn asked curiously. The Tara in front of her was obviously nothing like the Tara that was being described to her.

"That girlfriend I told you guys about, the one whose death I managed to prevent," Tara said. "I met her when I was out one night and we just connected. I didn't really change much after that until her aura disappeared. That woke me up."

"Why aren't you still with her?"

Tara sighed and thought about that. She knew exactly why. She was almost glad that Buffy and her family knew about the supernatural. She wouldn't have told them about Joyce's aura disappearing if they hadn't.

"After the near death thing, she was freaked out. She wasn't very comfortable with the idea that I could see when she was going to die," Tara said quietly. "After we graduated, she moved to New York and I moved here."

The two of them sat in silence for a moment, each of them thinking about people they had lost over time, either to death or to a rift in the relationship. It seemed like people passed in and out of each other's lives so easily. Dawn was having trouble grasping the point of it all.

"How do I keep living the same life without her?" Dawn asked quietly.

"You keep a place for her in your heart," Tara replied. She stroked Dawn's hair and brushed it away from her face. "You live your life the way she would want you to live it."

"I miss her so much," Dawn said, tears springing in her eyes. Tara leaned forward and embraced her.

"I know," Tara said, holding Dawn gently and soothingly. "But you're not alone. You have Buffy and me and all the Scoobies. We'll all help you through this."

Buffy sat at the top of the stairs and listened to Dawn and Tara talk. She wanted to run down the stairs and just collapse in Tara's arms, but she held herself back. She knew Dawn needed this. Tara was giving Dawn the attention Buffy couldn't give at the moment. She hoped Dawn understood why she had stayed at the cemetery. She couldn't help Dawn grieve until she grieved. She had to be in control of herself first. She was glad Tara was there. She had been afraid she would never come back. She couldn't imagine going through this whole process without Tara. She would be their strength. She would get them through the hard time, and then somehow she would make everything seem okay.

* * *

Dawn finally reassured Tara that she'd be okay and Tara left her in the living room to head up to Buffy's room. She hesitated, staring at the door of the bedroom apprehensively. She feared Angel had been wrong. She feared she was setting herself up for disappointment. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Buffy opened the door and they came face to face. Dawn had been right about Buffy being asleep. She was wearing flannel pajama bottoms with fluffy cartoon sheep on them and a light blue t-shirt. Her hair was tousled and her eyes were dark, as if she had just woken up.

"H-hey," she said, exhaling in surprise.

"Hey," Buffy responded back. They stood in silence for a moment and then Buffy stepped back, gesturing for Tara to enter her room. Once Tara had hesitantly crossed the threshold, Buffy closed the door behind her. Neither of them made a move to sit. Tara was gazing down at a random spot on the carpet and Buffy was wringing her hands nervously. Finally she spoke. "I didn't think you'd come by here this soon…or ever."

"I wasn't going to," Tara admitted. She looked up briefly to gauge Buffy's reaction. "Angel said you needed me."

"Angel?" Buffy asked, her curiosity peaked.

"He came by my dorm room to plead your case," Tara explained. She looked back down to the carpet and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess that mysterious, dark thing can be attractive to some people, huh?"

Buffy smiled for the first time in days and chuckled lightly. "He had his charms."

"He reminded me of Mark Jacobs," Tara commented, sharing a smile with Buffy. Mark Jacobs was one of the more popular and more attractive baseball players at Hemry, but none of the girls at the school had the privilege of dating him. He was very quiet and claimed to have a girlfriend who was a freshman at UCLA. Tara was the only person at Hemry who knew that girlfriend was actually a boyfriend. After the fiasco with Liz Lopez finding out about Tara's orientation, Mark had come to Tara's house to ask her for advice.

After their brief reminiscent chuckle, the two fell into another awkward silence. Buffy was trying to find the right words to express how she felt about what had happened, but everything sounded inadequate in her head. She decided she just needed to go with it.

"Look, about the things I said…"

"You were upset," Tara said quietly. "I-it's okay."

"No, it's not okay," she replied sharply, feeling even more angry with herself. "I was insane. I was gearing up for my very own pretty white jacket with buckles up the back." Tara smiled slightly before Buffy continued in a more serious tone. "And one thing especially…what I said about you taking my mom away because you don't have a mom…" Buffy paused and looked Tara in the eyes. She took Tara's hand and spoke sincerely. "I am so sorry I said that. I can't think of anything more horrible that I could've said."

"There might be some truth to what you said," Tara began. Buffy looked confused. "I mean, none of this was intentional, but what if…w-what if I did cause this? What if by trying to stop her death, I actually caused it? What if that's what I've been doing every time I try to-to help someone? What if my girlfriend in high school was a lucky break?"

"We can't play the what if game," Buffy said. "If I did that every time I couldn't save somebody from a vampire or demon, I really would be wearing a straight jacket right now. You did what you thought was right. We all did. This was nobody's fault. Especially not yours."

"I just wish you didn't have to go through this," Tara said. She pulled her hand away and picked Mr. Gordo up off the bed, absently playing with his little stuffed pig ears. "I was hurting so much when I lost my mom, and I did some stupid stuff because of it. I don't want you or Dawn to feel the way I felt. I don't want anyone to feel that way."

"You can't really avoid it," Buffy said. She sat on the bed and Tara sat next to her. They sat in silence for a moment. It wasn't awkward. It was just silence until Buffy broke it again. "Thank you for talking to Dawn. I just…I hate that I'm saying this, but I can't give her what she needs right now."

"Do you know what she needs?" Tara inquired, hoping to get Buffy to open up more about her relationship with Dawn. Tara knew Buffy loved her sister, but it was rare that she really talked seriously about Dawn.

"She needs someone who knows what she's feeling but isn't too wrapped up in herself to listen," Buffy said. She looked Tara in the eyes and saw understanding there. "Does that sound selfish?"

"It sounds very much like someone who has just lost her mom," she replied. "I know you and Dawn are so different compared to me. But I didn't care what anybody else felt either. It's understandable that you feel you can't help Dawn."

"I care what she feels, but I just…I can't…"

Buffy's voice cracked and she was finally starting to let go. Tara could tell that this had been held in for the past couple days. Buffy was the strong one, always the fighter. Breaking down felt like being weak to her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," Buffy said. Her eyes filled with tears and Tara wrapped her arms around her. "Mom always knew what to do. Always. I don't have a clue how we can go on without her."

"I'm gonna tell you a little secret that your mom probably would've let you in on sooner or later," Tara said softly. "About five percent of the time, people know exactly what they're going to do in life. The other ninety-five percent of the time, they make it up as they go along."

Buffy chuckled lightly through her tears and leaned her head on Tara's shoulder, wrapping her arms around her waist. Tara held Buffy while she cried, just trying to be there for her. Tara was starting to realize Angel was right. Buffy did need her. She needed her to be strong, so she didn't have to be. She needed to be able to break down in front of someone. Tara was that someone.

Finally, Buffy sat up and Tara made eye contact with her, seeing the wanting in those sorrowful eyes. She wanted to feel something other than pain, something other than grief. She wanted to feel like her world hadn't just turned entirely upside down. Tara knew that wanting all too well. She knew she could do for Buffy what no one could do for her, what Buffy needed her to do for her. She knew she could make Buffy feel safe, even if it wasn't permanent.

Slowly she leaned forward and their lips met. Tara could taste the salt of Buffy's tears on those lips, the taste of grief. She could feel more tears moving down Buffy's cheeks and she wiped them away with her thumbs, resting either hand directly along her jaw line.

"I just…want to feel safe," Buffy whispered, locking her tearful gaze with Tara's. "How do I…?"

"Shh."

She brushed Buffy's hair away from her face and moved forward, kissing her again, more forceful this time. She could feel Buffy relax in her arms and settle into the moment. Buffy closed her eyes, but Tara kept hers open for a moment, watching Buffy's aura change. The sorrow slowly faded away and was replaced with desire, wanting. Finally she guided Buffy to lie back on the bed. Tara kissed along her neck, carefully moving her hands up Buffy's t-shirt as her lips stimulated the slayer's trembling skin.

Every touch and caress chipped away another piece of Buffy's wall of sorrow and hopelessness. Each kiss brought with it the idea that things weren't so bad, that there still was the possibility that she could get through her life. Every new sensation that Tara caused her to feel forced the pain to retreat and give way to feelings of passion and love and hope. As they made love into the night, Buffy felt safer than she ever had before.

"Don't leave me," Buffy said quietly later as they simply laid in each other's arms, tangled in the covers. Tara tightened her hold around Buffy and kissed the top of her head.

"Never."

The relationship with Tara was different than Buffy had ever experienced. It wasn't like her pointless boyfriends at Hemry, her status jocks that she clung to. It was definitely not like Parker. No use her and lose her. It was far from being like Angel. Not to say they didn't have their intense moments. There were times when their eyes would meet and Buffy could see a fire in Tara's eyes that nobody else would ever notice. Hidden behind every shy smile was a quiet intensity of a passionate lover.

It took Buffy a while to pinpoint what exactly it was that was different about Tara, aside from the obvious fact that she was a woman. Then she found it. There was no disappointment. There was no end of the world. The good didn't always precede the bad. She could have a great moment with Tara, and she wouldn't expect a fall out. They loved each other, and it would stay that way without the drama or angst. They could have arguments and fights, but Buffy knew Tara was still there and Tara knew the same about Buffy. The emptiness was filled, and Buffy couldn't imagine it ever being empty again.

* * *

Tara had fallen asleep, but Buffy laid awake, watching her slumber. She watched as her chest rose and fell with her even breathing, watched her eyes move beneath her lids, signaling REM sleep. There was a moment when she whimpered slightly in her sleep and her brow furrowed. Buffy simply slipped her arms around her and watched her facial features relax without ever waking her up.

She enjoyed watching Tara sleep. They had slept together several times before—without the sex—and sometimes Buffy would wake up first. She discovered Tara talked in her sleep sometimes. There were times when it was amusing, and there were times when it was just plain weird. Early one morning they had held an entire conversation about polka dancing while Tara slept.

"Don't bring the shrimp," Tara said quietly. Buffy looked down at her and smiled. Then she saw that the expression on Tara's face signaled anxiety or fear. Tara spoke again in a quiet whine. "In the cocktail sauce."

Buffy had to keep herself from laughing. She wasn't quite sure how Tara could be afraid in a dream about shrimp and cocktail sauce.

"What about the ketchup?" Buffy asked, trying to see what she could get out of Tara.

"Fifty-seven by the clams," Tara said, louder and more frantically. Then she jolted awake, looking around in confusion. She saw Buffy smiling at her and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "What?"

"Don't bring the shrimp?" Buffy asked with a chuckle. Tara sighed and realized why Buffy was smiling.

"I'm, uh, allergic to shellfish," she explained.

"And you have scary dreams about them?" Buffy continued to tease her.

"You'd be scared too if you had giant butterfly shrimp trying to drown you in cocktail sauce," she said defensively. Buffy couldn't control herself anymore and burst into laughter. Tara smiled and joined in the laughter.

"You have a very strange mind," Buffy said once the laughter had died down.

"Are you complaining?" Tara asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No complaints. It's fun. I live for the strange," she replied. "I live for you."

"Do you?" Tara asked, smiling at the slayer. Buffy nodded her head and her smile faded.

"And I do love you," she said, remembering another one of the many crazy things she had said to Tara after finding out about her mother's death. "The only spell you've got on me is completely metaphorical."

Tara raised herself up until she was lying over Buffy. They simply gazed into each other's eyes for a long while. Buffy reached up and ran her hand through Tara's hair. Then she gently pulled Tara down into a soft kiss. When they separated, Tara noticed the clock. It was almost midnight.

"Wow, we've been here for a long time," she said. Buffy looked at the time and smiled. "I guess we got carried away."

"Just a little," Buffy responded. Then she looked to the door. "We should check on Dawn."

"She's probably asleep," Tara said.

"Yeah, probably," Buffy agreed absently. Tara saw the concern in Buffy's eyes and smiled understandingly.

"You should go check on her."

She rolled away from Buffy and watched as the slayer slipped on her pajama bottoms and t-shirt that they had thrown on the floor. As she opened her door, she looked back to Tara, who just nodded her head in encouragement. Then she headed down the hall, not sure what she would say if Dawn was actually awake.

Buffy pushed the door open gently and saw Dawn was lying on her side with her back to the door. She walked in quietly and sat on the edge of the bed, just watching her little sister in silence. Tara was right about one thing, about people knowing what they were going to do. Buffy knew she was in a 'five percent' moment right now. Looking at Dawn, she knew exactly what she was going to do. She was going to do whatever it took to keep Dawn happy and to give her the life she always wanted. She would sacrifice anything to give that to Dawn.

"Buffy," Dawn said, pulling the slayer out of her thoughts.

"Yeah," Buffy said quietly. She stroked Dawn's hair away from her face, but Dawn didn't turn over or make eye contact.

"Remember when we were little and dad went on business trips? Mom would set up a big slumber party with just the three of us and we would watch stuff like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or The Great Muppet Caper while pigging out on candy and junk."

"Yeah."

"Can we do that tomorrow night?" Dawn asked.

"Absolutely."

"Is Tara staying?" Dawn asked. It almost seemed like an abrupt change in subject. Buffy looked over her shoulder at the door to see Tara standing there, wearing Buffy's thick, white terry cloth robe. The two of them exchanged a smile.

"Looks that way," Buffy responded, not breaking eye contact.

"Okay. She can come to the slumber party too," Dawn said. Tara stifled a laugh, wanting to make sure Dawn didn't know she was there. She and Buffy simply continued smiling at each other. "Buffy?"

"Yeah," Buffy responded to Dawn.

"Will you stay here tonight? With me?"

Tara nodded her head and mouthed 'Goodnight' to Buffy before closing Dawn's door behind her and returning to Buffy's room. The slayer laid on the bed and wrapped one arm around Dawn. They laid together and slowly drifted off to sleep, starting to understand that they would make it forward together.


	18. Epilogue

Tara walked with Dawn up to the top of the hill in Devon, each of them carrying bouquets of wild flowers until they came to the edge of the woods. There at the edge were several tombstones, all marked with various names. Each one had the same date of death. Every time, the two of them stood in silence and read each of the names to themselves until they got to the last one. First the new slayers that had fallen in battle. Then the last three.

Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins, dear friend and hero.

Daniel 'Oz' Osbourne, cherished husband and friend.

Buffy Anne Summers, beloved sister, partner, friend.

It had been four years since the battle with the First Evil had turned Sunnydale into a crater, taking all the people whose names they had just read with the town. Tara, Dawn, Xander, and Willow had followed Giles back to England to rebuild the Watcher's Council, along with the surviving potential-turned-full slayers and Andrew. Faith remained a fugitive from the law and couldn't risk leaving the United States, not until Willow managed to get that record conveniently erased. A month later, Faith and Robin Wood joined the others in England. Their main goal initially had been to track down all the slayers that had been activated. Now they were training them, as well as new watchers, in order to have the slayers assigned to various locations where demon activity was known to occur.

During all of this, Dawn had nearly completed college. Robin, Andrew, Willow and Xander planned to stay on as watchers with Giles as the head of the council. Faith had grown fond of Wood, and decided she could do some good as the senior slayer. As she phrased it, she wasn't about to leave the new slayer trainees in the hands of a group of people whose collective asses she could kick while wearing a blindfold. But Tara and Dawn both had different plans. The pain of losing Buffy had been too much for both of them, and they knew now that Buffy was gone, they didn't want to be involved in the slayer business anymore. It had already been too long, too much.

"Hey, Buffy," Dawn said. It was their ritual. The two of them would come every year with flowers and they would tell Buffy what was going on in their lives. It was the only way they knew how to cope. They placed their flowers by Buffy's tombstone and sat side by side nearby. "I'm almost done with school. I'll be graduating from Oxford in a month. I probably should be working on my final project right now, but it can wait. Actually, Tara and I are both putting off stuff. We get to graduate at the same time."

"I'm almost done with my dissertation. Once I've finished my doctorate, Dawn and I are headed back to the states," Tara continued the life update. "I've already received an offer to teach at Yale."

"And I got accepted to the graduate program in anthropology at Yale," Dawn said. "Bet you never thought I'd be all academic, huh?"

"You'd be so proud of her, Buffy," Tara said with a smile. She was quite proud of Dawn herself. "She's one of the top students in her class. Giles is kind of disappointed that she won't join the Watcher's Council, but I think he understands."

"He says the council needs my brains to balance out against Andrew," Dawn said.

She and Tara chuckled. Andrew had actually grown on the whole group, as annoying as he was. He knew when he was pushing boundaries and he truly wanted to do good. After Anya had saved his worthless life, he felt he owed it to the ex-demon turned hero to do the right thing.

"Willow and Xander are actually starting to get really close again, like smoochies close," Dawn continued. "They're taking it slow. I think they're both worried about whether or not it's too soon, with Oz and everything. I keep telling them that Oz would understand. They're still hung up on that thing that happened in high school, though."

The two of them sat in silence, not sure what else they could say. Dawn saw that tears were forming in Tara's eyes and she took her hand. It was time to finish up their annual ritual.

"May you be happy wherever you are," Tara said with a wavering voice.

Dawn finished, "May you be at peace."

"We love you," they said together as they stood. Then they walked back down the hill, trying to find some way to move on from their loss, knowing they would be back next year.

_I sing to life  
And to its tragic beauty  
To pain and to strife  
And all that dances through me  
The rise and the fall  
I've lived through it all_

THE END

_Author's Note: So, that is the end of Beyond Expectation, but fear not, it is not the end of the story. There is certainly more to tell. I've got all kinds of ideas floating around in my brain. I also went a little crazy and wrote an author commentary. You can read or listen (yes, I did audio) to the commentary if you go to my fiction site, The End and find Beyond Expectation in the Buffy section. Thanks for sticking with me and for all your comments. I'm glad you all enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it._


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